Single mom panicking - should I call off the wedding?

knottied7214ddeb7ab8319

My fiancé and I are both single parents. Our wedding is set for this August, venue is booked. I’m starting to have severe anxiety because my kids and I have to move. (New job, new school district, new house.) My fiancé was completely opposed to moving but one of us has to make that sacrifice. His kids would be staying in their current schools. I was fine with it but now that things are feeling very real, I’m looking at everything through a magnifying glass and starting to panic. My daughter has special needs and her current school is phenomenal. Transferring her IEP is a risk. But lately I’ve noticed some behavior from my fiancé that concerns me. I’ve caught him in several white lies. (Money, prior relationships, lying about where he is, and ex wife stuff.) On top of that, he cusses in front of the kids. He teased my daughter and made her cry. He also makes rude comments...like there was a nasty smell and he told the kids I farted. He also drinks on occasion. My ex had problems with addiction so I have a hard time deciding what’s normal and not. Last time he got drunk and the kids saw him stumble down the stairs. He also drives after drinking sometimes. He’s driven his son to sports practices after having several beers. I have lots of examples of stuff but I keep telling myself everyone is flawed. He’s a great provider and makes me laugh like no one else. And he has showed up for my kids in ways their dad never does. When things are good, they’re SO good. But am I being blind to the red flags? My kids and I built an amazing life after my divorce. I have sole custody and have worked crazy hard to get them to where they are. Stable, emotionally healthy, rave reviews at their parent-teacher conferences last week. We’re happy. Why risk it all for a man that is acting like that? Am I being dramatic or are these reasons to call off the wedding? I think I feel guilty for bringing a man into their life and then breaking up with him. 

levioosa

knottied7214ddeb7ab8319 said:

My fiancé and I are both single parents. Our wedding is set for this August, venue is booked. I’m starting to have severe anxiety because my kids and I have to move. (New job, new school district, new house.) My fiancé was completely opposed to moving but one of us has to make that sacrifice. His kids would be staying in their current schools. I was fine with it but now that things are feeling very real, I’m looking at everything through a magnifying glass and starting to panic. My daughter has special needs and her current school is phenomenal. Transferring her IEP is a risk. But lately I’ve noticed some behavior from my fiancé that concerns me. I’ve caught him in several white lies. (Money, prior relationships, lying about where he is, and ex wife stuff.) On top of that, he cusses in front of the kids. He teased my daughter and made her cry. He also makes rude comments...like there was a nasty smell and he told the kids I farted. He also drinks on occasion. My ex had problems with addiction so I have a hard time deciding what’s normal and not. Last time he got drunk and the kids saw him stumble down the stairs. He also drives after drinking sometimes. He’s driven his son to sports practices after having several beers. I have lots of examples of stuff but I keep telling myself everyone is flawed. He’s a great provider and makes me laugh like no one else. And he has showed up for my kids in ways their dad never does. When things are good, they’re SO good. But am I being blind to the red flags? My kids and I built an amazing life after my divorce. I have sole custody and have worked crazy hard to get them to where they are. Stable, emotionally healthy, rave reviews at their parent-teacher conferences last week. We’re happy. Why risk it all for a man that is acting like that? Am I being dramatic or are these reasons to call off the wedding? I think I feel guilty for bringing a man into their life and then breaking up with him. 

You guys have some serious stuff to work out. Lies never make for a good relationship. And where is his compromise?

Drinking and driving is a dealbreaker for me, let alone when children are involved. The fact that he doesn’t see any problem driving his children while under the influence is extremely worrying. 

Talking things out with a therapist sounds like the way to go here. You have a lot to process. And uprooting your children (especially with your daughter’s history) is a lot to process too. Either way it sounds like wedding planning needs to be put on hold right now. 

downtondiva

Is this all a recent change in your FI's personality, or have these things been going on throughout your relationship and you are feeling more aware of and bothered by them lately?

At the very least, I think you should postpone the wedding and go to counseling to determine what may be causing this behavior and whether you can and want to move past it.  

maine7mob

Sure, everyone is flawed, but you do not have to marry a person whose flaws give you this much concern. It doesn't matter what a bunch of internet strangers think about your fiance's issues. It matters what you think. Is what you gain from this marriage worth what you will lose? Is this worth disrupting your and your children's lives? You're the only one who can answer these questions.

missJeanLouise

How long have you guys been together? How old are your kids? Have you lived together before or has it always been long distance?

I would be very hesitant to change my child's providers unless I knew they would be receiving equal or better care. The red flags with your FI are real. Someone who teased my child until they cried would have a very hard time getting me to ever talk to them again.

ILoveBeachMusic

I agree therapy is in order. Your kids are part of the equation here and the red flags concern their lives and safety. IMO driving while under the influence is a deal breaker as is teasing my child until they cry.

STARMOON44

You clearly know you should not marry this man. He drives drunk. He’s mean to your children. He’s mean to you. He lies about money. 

Break off the wedding. Break up. Break off contact with him. Get therapy to understand how you got to this point. 

It is your job as a mother to keep your children safe. Marrying a man who drives drunk would be a massive failure of your job. 

kvruns

You know you need to end it. Save this post if you need the reminder

mrsconn23

I don't have much to add to what's been said above. 

Look at what you've said about how he treats you and your kids.  Now if a friend told you that, what would you tell her? 

Also, I'd make arrangements yesterday for your kids never to be alone with him and ensure he never drives your children anywhere.  You should try to find a way tell his ex-wife he's putting their kids in danger.  

climbingsingle

These are not flaws. They are red flags. I ignored all the red flags and I'm now getting divorced. 

Cancel the wedding. Do not marry this man. These problems IMO will not get better, and will probably get worse over time. 

Also the fact that he wasn't even willing to compromise on moving is a SUPER red flag, especially if you have a child with special needs and she's currently in a great school/program. 

charlotte989875

This must be really hard- thinking you’re building a life with someone who shared your values and to have red flags come up that make you question that. I know that you can love someone even if they do things you know are wrong. But I think these are more than doubts- and I’m guessing you do too? 

You asked why risk it for a man acting like that (and that is a really important question!) but I wonder does he know what he’s risking (his kids lives, his life/ career, YOU) by acting the way he does? Does he see a problem with the drinking and lying? If he doesn’t or if he won’t talk about it or take responsibility that is a huge problem. 

All of these can be reasons to call off a wedding. You’re not being dramatic. 

mrsconn23

climbingsingle said:

Also the fact that he wasn't even willing to compromise on moving is a SUPER red flag, especially if you have a child with special needs and she's currently in a great school/program. 

This too!  I have a child with an IEP and has a fabulous SN teacher.  I cannot imagine uprooting him from it for anything less than an emergent situation. 

Also, I remember being teased as a child to the point of tears a few different times. There's one particular incident that was traumatizing and I still can't look back on it as anything but that.  It's an area where I am fiercely over-protective of my kids because I am still a terrified child seeing everyone laughing at me and I can't stand the thought of them having that memory too. 

MyNameIsNot

He teased your child to the point that she cried. That's a hard no for me. 

There are a lot of red flags here, but that one would put me over the edge. You're considering taking your child out of a good program where things are going well for her, moving her to a new town, and making her live with a man who treats her like that. Hell no. 

ei34

10000% don’t marry him.  I’m sorry you have to make this decision but I wouldn’t marry him.

CharmedPam

I honestly think if you took the time to write this post, and had to write it to begin with - you kinda already know, don’t you? 

GBCK

There's flawed and there's "recklessly endangers his child and others' lives by drunk driving'.

We all decide what flaws we put up with and you listed a bunch that shouldn't be on anyone's 'ok to put up with' list.

MesmrEwe

Remember - if it's a red flag losing the deposit and contracted amount is far less than a divorce attorney would cost...  You're seeing red flags and it's okay to acknowledge them!  Drinking and driving is a serious question on judgment issue!  Teasing a Special Needs kid to the point they cry - SERIOUS question on judgment...  

The refusing to move, especially at a time that's a seller's market that you could both move into a different home together, there's another deal breaker type flag...  

Premarital counseling at the minimum and NO signing any additional contracts until you make the determination that proceeding with getting married is healthy for you and your child.  Yes, we all have flaws, however some things are just deal breakers that yes, good friends, but there are those lines in the sand and it's okay to make them DEEP!

katinakwalker

Red flags are being thrown all over the place. But, as several have mentioned, I think you know the answer here. Too bad that it took so long for all of this ugliness to rear it's head. But sooner is definitely better than later when more is at stake. Wishing you well.