Umm...everyone has ebbs and flows?

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I am a married, middle-age man with children. My wife and I love each other very much. We have excellent communication on things we can do to continue to develop our relationship. However, since we got married, our sex life has been lacking fire. My children often spend weekends away, and we have ample opportunities for doing all the stuff we would like to do. We just don’t. Our sex drives are not in sync. We’ve tried a few things: Once we watched porn, and a few times I blindfolded her. But it’s rare. Our sex has a very low erotic factor. Her body is not what it used to be, which makes her insecure. (I find that she is sexiest when she feels sexy.) I also don’t necessarily give her the regular attention she deserves, with the expectation that I can just turn up the heat at night. So how do long-term couples continue to have a passionate, healthy, fun and intimate sex life?

—Stuck in Neutral

MyNameIsNot

If your communication is so excellent, why aren't you talking about this? It sounds like she's told you something that would help: give her regular attention, but you're not doing it. So maybe try that. 

charlotte989875

You don’t give her the attention she deserves but you expect *her* to turn up the heat and night just because you can. Nope. 

mrsconn23

Who wants to fuck a dude that's not trying?  And is also critical of your body?  Plusalso, only wants you to do what he wants you to do in bed?  

My vag would be a dusty cave and clamp shut at the thought of him trying get it on with me.  I can take care of myself, thankyouverymuch.

CharmedPam

I think LW said she thought her body wasn’t what it used to be, but he still finds her sexy.

what about itimacy retreats?  They ain’t cheap.  I looked into them before.  

MissKittyDanger

The critical parts of this about their spouse is just ... urg. What? You find them sexy when they feel sexy?
Can you put fucking effort in and make sure your spouse feels attractive still!?

climbingsingle

I don't give her the attention she needs, but I expect to have sex every night or whenever I want. Yep, sounds about right. 

banana468

Ugh.

Some of this is my H and I have to remind him that looking at me with a cute face or rubbing my back and then grabbing a boob are not ways to get me in the mood.  

You need to use your words. "I would like more sex.  What can I do to show you that I would like this to be a mutually enjoyable arrangement?" may be a good start. 

charlotte989875

banana468 said:

Ugh.

Some of this is my H and I have to remind him that looking at me with a cute face or rubbing my back and then grabbing a boob are not ways to get me in the mood.  

You need to use your words. "I would like more sex.  What can I do to show you that I would like this to be a mutually enjoyable arrangement?" may be a good start. 

This is my H, too. 

banana468

I can't find the clip but there's a line in Everybody Loves Raymond where Debra asks if he'd like it if she said, "So um..do you want to?  Huh?"  Ray's response is, "I would LOVE it if you talked like that!"