Classic: It's your wife's home, not your mother's.

mrsconn23

A few years ago, I bought my girlfriend (now my wife) a print of a photograph she liked: a black and white portrait of a young woman wearing only a dinosaur mask and cowboy boots. We framed it and hung it on the wall of our bathroom. Now, 99 percent of the time I have no problem with it hanging there; it’s only an issue when my parents visit. My mother is fiercely, vocally anti-pornography, and while I don’t feel the picture is pornographic, it is explicit, and I don’t believe she’ll see it the same way we do. Up until now, we’ve agreed to take it down when my parents visit (although it’s been a bigger and bigger argument each time), but this time my wife insists that we leave it up, her argument being that this is her space and if someone doesn’t like the picture, that’s their problem. My concern is that my mother will not only hate the picture, it will put her in a sour mood and spoil much of the visit, and that knowing this is the sort of thing we like may alter my relationship with her. My wife feels this will help my mother see me more as the man I am. I only get to see my parents a few days a year, and I just want to keep the peace. Is my wife being unreasonable, or am I worried for no reason?

STARMOON44

I think your wife is being wildly unreasonable. There’s nothing wrong with just removing it for a few days a year. Your relationship with your parents isn’t perfect, hardly anyone is, but it is ok to take the position that you don’t want to alienate them over a home decor decision. I think your wife needs to hear that it is not “her space” it is “our space” and that the same way you’d let her call more of the shots with her family, you expect her to do this for you. 

missJeanLouise

I would cut a bikini out of a magazine and tape it to the glass in the appropriate spots. I agree with Starmoon though. It is only a few days a year to make someone feel comfortable. It is a sacrifice I would be willing to make.

Something tells me that this is not the only issue the LW has about standing up to their mother on though. THAT might be the real issue.

Casadena

I think you're both right.  I think you're wife is being unreasonable, but I also think LW is catering a little too much to their mother's taste.  I personally wouldn't care about taking something off the wall for a few days at a time, but at the same time i totally understand why your wife does not want to do that.  I guess my final answer is who would rather be more upset? Your wife or your mom?

mrsconn23

IDK. If this is ONLY thing LW caters to their mom on, then yes...wife needs to chill and take it down.  But if it's a lot of things they have to do to accommodate LW's mom, then I kind of understand how she's decided to take a stand. 

It's definitely a communication and compromise issue between LW and their wife.  I just think I need to know more about these visits with mom to wonder if she's really being ridic or if she's just done with her MIL's shit. 

banana468

I think you're onto something @mrsconn23.  Is this the ONLY thing that is an issue or is it one of many? 

FWIW, I wonder about the age of the LW and wife in this.  If they eventually have kids or hang out with people who have them I would question the choice to hang that photo in the bathroom.

I wouldn't consider myself a prude but would call a first floor bathroom that company uses a more common space.  I'm trying to consider how I'd feel if I took my kids to someone's bathroom and they had a photo of a naked person on a wall.  It would probably get a lot of giggles and we'd be talking about that kind of conversation piece.   Something like that I'd save for a space that is not nearly as public.  

banana468

I also say this as someone with a tattoo that I often keep covered and my MIL rarely sees it even in the summer when we're both in bathing suits.  It's just not worth opening that can of worms so I try to pick and choose battles. 

Jstump2

Growing up, my best friends dad has a clock with a topless women in the basement. I was a bit taken a bock at 12 or 13 seeing that hanging next to the family computer (where we would sit to do school-work) I never told my parents about it because I knew it wouldn't go over well. I did find it rather disconcerting though.

levioosa

I have a sneaking suspicion this is only the tip of the iceberg where MIL is concerned. 

MyNameIsNot

This is the part I can't get over:  My concern is that my mother will not only hate the picture, it will put her in a sour mood and spoil much of the visit, and that knowing this is the sort of thing we like may alter my relationship with her. 

If a photo is really going to alter your relationship with your mother, that relationship is far from healthy. Hard agree that LW sounds like someone who jumps through hoops for fear of altering mommy dearest's moods. 

charlotte989875

I don’t think this is all about the picture. 

But if it is only the picture- your wife is being a little unreasonable. If the picture is one of many things y’all are doing to placate your mother then you’re being unreasonable. 

mrsconn23

MyNameIsNot said:

This is the part I can't get over:  My concern is that my mother will not only hate the picture, it will put her in a sour mood and spoil much of the visit, and that knowing this is the sort of thing we like may alter my relationship with her. 

If a photo is really going to alter your relationship with your mother, that relationship is far from healthy. Hard agree that LW sounds like someone who jumps through hoops for fear of altering mommy dearest's moods. 

Yep.  It's weird LW knows how much their mom hates porn.  I hate assuming gender with letters, but I just imagine that LW is a man that was raised by a mother that was not very sex positive either due to religion or some other negative history with men/porn/cheating/sex work/etc or all of the above.  It sounds like getting older and/or his relationship with his wife has somewhat liberated him, but mom's still got a hold on his emotions/actions. I can see, as his wife, how anything that's done 'for her' could be difficult to do after all this time if she's always so precious during her visits. 

kerbohl

My guests don't use my bathroom.  But maybe they only have the one bathroom.  I have the insane luxury of having two.  If they have two, tell the mother not to use your bathroom.

Though I was "house shopping" (more house snooping because it was $5 million house and I was just curious) and it had 5 bedrooms and 11 bathrooms.  11!!  Even if each bedroom had two people, that's more bathrooms than people!  

short+sassy

kerbohl said:

My guests don't use my bathroom.  But maybe they only have the one bathroom.  I have the insane luxury of having two.  If they have two, tell the mother not to use your bathroom.

Though I was "house shopping" (more house snooping because it was $5 million house and I was just curious) and it had 5 bedrooms and 11 bathrooms.  11!!  Even if each bedroom had two people, that's more bathrooms than people!  

I'm glad it's not just me!  I always think it's weird when a house has more bathrooms then bedrooms.  One more bathroom then bedrooms, a little weird, but not too bad.  But 5 vs. 11!

missJeanLouise

They are so hyped on bathrooms here. Our first place here was a 3 bedroom with 5! bathrooms. Each bedroom had a full bathroom, the office/maids room had a full bathroom, and there was a powder room. 

Casadena

@missJeanLouise I think that's a fabulous thing and wish it was more common here!

mrsconn23

My #1 hated thing to clean and that I avoid at all costs is the bathroom.  I will overlook some pretty gross bathroom stuff because I hate cleaning bathrooms so much.  DH usually cracks way before I do and ends up cleaning the bathrooms.  The only time I will clean a bathroom is if we're having company and DH is off cleaning something else and it has to be done. 

If we had more bathrooms than we do now, I'd have to have a house cleaner to come do them.  I'm hoping I can hire someone later this year that will come do floors and bathrooms 2x/month. 

missJeanLouise

@mrsconn23 I would clean the master and the powder room, but that was it. The 2 in the other bedrooms never/rarely got used, and DH was in charge of the one in his office. I don't do boy bathrooms. 

mrsconn23

You're better than me @missJeanLouise.  I will let them all go and wait for DH to get a bug up his ass to clean them.  I'm terrible.  LOL 

banana468

I am the default cleaner.  Toilets need to be cleaned weekly or between the dribbles from Chiquito and the hard water it's gross.   Well water here means that eventually I'll get a ring and I HATE it. 

I just cleaned my shower last weekend upstairs.  We only use one bathroom for bathing and I had to put down baking soda to bleach the caulk and grout and then spray the grout between the tile.  10 years in this house and I'm the ONLY one who has done it.  I keep asking for a cleaning lady and I got a goose egg.

ILoveBeachMusic

I hate cleaning bathrooms but I do it because I'm the only one who cares that they are clean. Since H has retired, it has become apparent how his eyesight and aim is lacking (sorry TMI!). I think boys (men) should always sit down! I had a cleaning lady until H retired but gave her up as a cost savings at that point. I have hired someone occasionally for special circumstances.

banana468

ILoveBeachMusic said:

I hate cleaning bathrooms but I do it because I'm the only one who cares that they are clean. Since H has retired, it has become apparent how his eyesight and aim is lacking (sorry TMI!). I think boys (men) should always sit down! I had a cleaning lady until H retired but gave her up as a cost savings at that point. I have hired someone occasionally for special circumstances.

We used to have a toilet that was lower and DH complained that sitting was not great on it because....things got wet. 

So I can at least give dudes a pass if they can avoid that to do so!

short+sassy

banana468 said:

I am the default cleaner.  Toilets need to be cleaned weekly or between the dribbles from Chiquito and the hard water it's gross.   Well water here means that eventually I'll get a ring and I HATE it. 

I just cleaned my shower last weekend upstairs.  We only use one bathroom for bathing and I had to put down baking soda to bleach the caulk and grout and then spray the grout between the tile.  10 years in this house and I'm the ONLY one who has done it.  I keep asking for a cleaning lady and I got a goose egg.

We have very hard water in NOLA also.  Like, "doesn't pass EPA standards" for hard water levels, but I guess that's just a "suggestion" because it has always been like that and there has never been talk to do anything about it.

I have a whole house water filtration system to solve the problem.   But it's not a cheap or an easy solution.  Mine is Rainsoft, which is the creme de la creme system.  It's been super dependable, I've had it for 15+ years and it is still going strong, but it was really expensive and there is an annual servicing that needs to be done.  THAT was a scary issue to run into...after the fact...because there needs to be an independent company in the area to service the lifetime warranty and do the annual servicing.  The independent distributer I originally bought mine from went belly up a few years later.

For about another two years, I was up s**t creek without a paddle and didn't really know who to contact.  Until another Rainsoft distributor contacted me with, "Hey, it's time for your annual service. Blah, blah."  Turns out, they'd bought the previous business.  But they are a real PITA to get in touch with.  It's time for our annual servicing again...we are actually two years past due because of the pandemic...but no one answers the phone and they haven't returned my call yet.  If history repeats itself, they will eventually.  I just might have to leave multiple messages and/or psycho call them because they do randomly answer the phone.  It's one of those kind of service industries.

Nowadays, there are much, much cheaper whole house water filtration systems you can buy online.  But then the onus is on you to hire a plumber to install the piping to where you want it to go and then install the system.  And a lot of plumbers won't touch them.  Which runs a few hundred bucks, though most of that is the initial piping that only needs to be done once.  Then you better cross your fingers the system works and stays working for a few years.  Because, sure, they have warranties.  But it's a chunk and a PITA to ship them back and forth.

As long as they work just fine, they are AWESOME.  But it's the installation and servicing that can be touchy.

banana468

short+sassy said:

banana468 said:

I am the default cleaner.  Toilets need to be cleaned weekly or between the dribbles from Chiquito and the hard water it's gross.   Well water here means that eventually I'll get a ring and I HATE it. 

I just cleaned my shower last weekend upstairs.  We only use one bathroom for bathing and I had to put down baking soda to bleach the caulk and grout and then spray the grout between the tile.  10 years in this house and I'm the ONLY one who has done it.  I keep asking for a cleaning lady and I got a goose egg.

We have very hard water in NOLA also.  Like, "doesn't pass EPA standards" for hard water levels, but I guess that's just a "suggestion" because it has always been like that and there has never been talk to do anything about it.

I have a whole house water filtration system to solve the problem.   But it's not a cheap or an easy solution.  Mine is Rainsoft, which is the creme de la creme system.  It's been super dependable, I've had it for 15+ years and it is still going strong, but it was really expensive and there is an annual servicing that needs to be done.  THAT was a scary issue to run into...after the fact...because there needs to be an independent company in the area to service the lifetime warranty and do the annual servicing.  The independent distributer I originally bought mine from went belly up a few years later.

For about another two years, I was up s**t creek without a paddle and didn't really know who to contact.  Until another Rainsoft distributor contacted me with, "Hey, it's time for your annual service. Blah, blah."  Turns out, they'd bought the previous business.  But they are a real PITA to get in touch with.  It's time for our annual servicing again...we are actually two years past due because of the pandemic...but no one answers the phone and they haven't returned my call yet.  If history repeats itself, they will eventually.  I just might have to leave multiple messages and/or psycho call them because they do randomly answer the phone.  It's one of those kind of service industries.

Nowadays, there are much, much cheaper whole house water filtration systems you can buy online.  But then the onus is on you to hire a plumber to install the piping to where you want it to go and then install the system.  And a lot of plumbers won't touch them.  Which runs a few hundred bucks, though most of that is the initial piping that only needs to be done once.  Then you better cross your fingers the system works and stays working for a few years.  Because, sure, they have warranties.  But it's a chunk and a PITA to ship them back and forth.

As long as they work just fine, they are AWESOME.  But it's the installation and servicing that can be touchy.

We have a softener too.  The bags of salt we go through SO MUCH. 

mrsconn23

We have a softener and sediment filter.  We put bleach tabs in all our toilets to keep the funk away.  We also have to drain our water heater once a year to flush it.  The joys of being on well and septic.   However, I've heard our town water is complete BS and they charge astronomical rates. 

levioosa

I am desperate for a water softener/filtration system. I don’t care what our city says, there’s no way the tap water can be good for us. I have never lived anywhere else where there is a literal black ring around the toilet if you don’t clean it every three days. 

kvruns

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000BPRDCW/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1

I got this for the toilet ring from hard water. It works pretty well, not perfect but I've been pleasantly surprised

MNNEBride

We installed a water softener last month and it has made a huge difference.  I also hired someone to clean when we moved.  Had one gal for a couple of months - 1 x a month.  But she took a full time job elsewhere and so I had to start again.  This one is good.  She does all floors, bathrooms, wipes down kitchen and dusts.  I clean toilets in between as needed and keep the kitchen clean.  Scheduling her is also a good incentive to keep the clutter picked up and keeps me accountable for that.

kerbohl

mrsconn23 said:

My #1 hated thing to clean and that I avoid at all costs is the bathroom.  I will overlook some pretty gross bathroom stuff because I hate cleaning bathrooms so much.  DH usually cracks way before I do and ends up cleaning the bathrooms.  The only time I will clean a bathroom is if we're having company and DH is off cleaning something else and it has to be done. 

If we had more bathrooms than we do now, I'd have to have a house cleaner to come do them.  I'm hoping I can hire someone later this year that will come do floors and bathrooms 2x/month. 

I have two bathrooms (thank heavens since the one is still being renovated), but I only clean the one.  We do not use the other at all, it's only for guests.  I will clean it one in a blue moon, and even then it's not really that dirty.

I used to clean my bathroom twice a week when I lived alone.  But hubby didn't seem to care about a clean bathroom, and now it's significantly less.  Maybe I should get back into the habit one of these days.

kvruns

@kerbohl and you don't get a ring in the toilet of the spare bathroom? I used to do that too when I lived alone and had 2 but inevitably I'd get the ring just from the water sitting there and it would suck to try to get rid of 

kerbohl

kvruns said:

@kerbohl and you don't get a ring in the toilet of the spare bathroom? I used to do that too when I lived alone and had 2 but inevitably I'd get the ring just from the water sitting there and it would suck to try to get rid of 

@kvruns I flush it every once in a while, and so far no issues.  I've been lucky!