Invite him to come to therapy with you?

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My sweet husband (together about 15 years, both in our 40s, no kids by choice) has been struggling with anxiety for a while now, mainly due to a toxic and difficult work environment, from what he says, though it’s bleeding into his daily life and even at home lately. He started seeing a psychiatrist about six months ago, on his own initiative. This doctor has only really offered antidepressants so far and a mild anti-anxiety drug that he’s still taking but doesn’t really seem to help much. He’s tried a few different SSRIs and SNRIs now, with various side effects (some quite scary), so the doctor just keeps having him try different ones. None of the antidepressants have helped at all, and only make him feel worse, which seems to be just making him feel more and more helpless and like he’ll never feel better.

I’m trying my best to be supportive but have my own history of mental health issues in the past, so it’s sometimes difficult for me to sincerely encourage him to keep trying them. I’ve mostly tried to keep my opinions to myself and to try to be supportive, in case they did help him.

From what I’ve been reading, it sounds like cognitive behavioral therapy can be as, or sometimes even more, effective than medication, and I have also had very good results from it, so much that I am no longer medicated and doing well (which he is aware of). I would really like for him to give therapy a chance, but he doesn’t believe that “just talking” would help and brushes me off whenever I bring it up. One time a few months ago, he agreed to go if I helped him make an appointment, but when I found someone I thought would be a good fit, he backed out and said he’d changed his mind, because he thought it wouldn’t work and would be a waste of time and money. Is there any way to talk him into giving therapy a shot that I’m missing? I’m at my wits’ end and just want my sweet, happy, carefree husband back.

—How to Help

missJeanLouise

This is my husband too. Sees a psychiatrist (great!) but won't go to a psychologist. So I don't have any mind-blowing advice but when counseling was covered on our insurance I got him to go because it was 100% covered so basically free. Maybe LW could get additional insurance to cover it and then it would be a waste of money to not go??

Excited to hear others advice.

MyNameIsNot

The thing about therapy is that just going doesn't do anything. You have to do the work. That means being honest and open with your therapist, but also listening to what they tell you and making the changes. I don't think getting him there is really going to help him if he's not mentally open to it. I have no idea how to get him to open his mind. 

My mom essentially forced me to go to a faith based grief therapist after my brother died. I wasn't ready. I didn't want to work with someone faith based. There were a bunch of other things, but I just wasn't open to it. So I phoned it in and just said what I thought I was supposed to say, all while continuing to spiral into depression and self destruction. I think LW's H is probably a bit more mature and self-reflective than my college self, but if he has already convinced himself that it won't work, it won't work. 

short+sassy

I've heard stories about how challenging it can be to get the right mix of meds to deal with depression.  I wish there were easier answers for people, especially with how abysmal and stigmatized that getting help for mental illness already is.

I agree that, as frustrating as it is, she needs to let her H come to the conclusion to at least give cognitive therapy a try.  Keep talking about the benefits without being overbearing and occasionally re-recommend at least trying it.

But the other thing I find striking about the letter is it doesn't sound like her H has always suffered from depression.  The depression has been brought on by his job.  There aren't any details about his work situation and why he stays in a miserable job, but maybe an even better focus would be for him to find another job.  The depression might disappear, once he is happier in his work life.

mrsconn23

I tried anti-anxiety drugs and they made me feel so off.  I could not handle how they made me feel and decided to not take them.   But I'm also in talk therapy.  My anxiety is under control and I'm in the maintenance phase of talk therapy.  Much research suggests that talk therapy + meds is the best combo, however you have to want to participate.  

However, I get where LW is coming from with regard to seeing their H try all the medicinal things and reject probably what would help him the most (talking it out and getting validation). I think LW needs to find their deal breaker.  I know that there's a lot tangled up in this, but LW must protect themselves and their mental health. 

VarunaTT

I feel for this LW, b/c this is a lot of what happened in my former marriage.  ExH wouldn't go to therapy until I was out the door.  I hope therapy did help him for his future, but it was too late for our relationship. I had to make the decision to protect myself b/c I was becoming depressed and his deterioration was putting us into personal and financial issues I was tired of handling by myself.

I don't think there is much LW can do.  Like someone else said, therapy takes a desire to do the work.  CBT really takes work because it's about recognizing and then reframing those thoughts.  Sometimes I have to repeat things my therapist has said over and over.  He often tells me, "You aren't going to believe me right now.  You'll go off and think about this for awhile, then either try putting it into practice or not.  If you do, I'll be able to help...if you don't, this won't help."  Medication doesn't help you reframe thoughts.  For me, the meds kept the overwhelming emotions at bay, so I could do the work.  I'm debating whether or not to start reducing mine and intend to have that conversation with my doctor at my annual, since my therapist is also recommending starting to scale back.

Also, being in a depressing/stressed job can really take a toll.  I left a job in my mid 20s because of that.  Situational depression is definitely a thing.  When I hit the darkest spot of my 2 months of hell, my therapist flat out told me he didn't even think I was my regular depressed anymore, this was totally different  and a different diagnosis and I needed to think of it in that manner.  So, it might be easier for LW to help him find a new job.

downtondiva

Is there any chance your husband could find a new job? I'm not saying that will solve everything, but I think only so much will be solved if he's in such a miserable work situation, even with therapy and medication. 

MesmrEwe

downtondiva said:

Is there any chance your husband could find a new job? I'm not saying that will solve everything, but I think only so much will be solved if he's in such a miserable work situation, even with therapy and medication. 

The old saying... "Sometimes you're just surrounded by AH" really may be what's going on with LW's H and why the meds aren't doing anything productive to solve the problem..

Instead of a Psychiatrist, the CBT, Havening, Tapping, EMDR, NLP, etc. or even a new job/workplace is likely a better approach and more efficient use of time and money, the only question is how to get the LW's H linked up with the right practitioner for them!