It's not his ex or even these kids, it's your fiancé.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My fiancé has been divorced for two years. He has shared custody of his 7-year-old daughter, “Cat,” and I have an 8-year-old girl. We have been trying to slowly integrate our girls into the new family situation. Cat has a bedroom at my house, and her father is maintaining his apartment until the lease runs out. We were on the road to success until his ex was forced to take custody of her 5- and 10-year-old nephews. My fiancé and I stepped up to help with child care on an “emergency” basis, but his ex keeps milking it. We have to take two cars to go anywhere, our limited budget for treats is gone, and there is a fight every night the boys stay over. We only have three bedrooms and neither of the girls want to give theirs up. The boys have been careless and destructive of girls’ toys, and the youngest wets the bed. They aren’t bad kids, but it is too much. My fiancé feels guilty because these boys were family once. I told him he needed to figure out what matters more: his future family or his old one. He told me that our family was his focus, but the boys still come over on the whims of his ex. It is stressing out everyone. Even Cat complains she just wants it to be us again. What do I do?

—Stressed

banana468

The FI needs to grow a backbone and also figure out what is and isn't a reasonable amount of helping here. 

A major talk with the FI is what's in order and fast. 

mrsconn23

LW's FI needs to cut off with the ex besides talking about Cat and her needs.  FI is allowing  himself to be guilted to the detriment of their relationship with his daughter and LW.  If a CTJ doesn't change anything, then LW needs to decide what they're going to do if the situation doesn't change. 

And LW needs to realize there's very little they can do for Cat if FI doesn't change and LW decides to leave.  LW should not feel guilty about this at all and should not stay just because of Cat.  They have their own kid to be concerned with. 

charlotte989875

I’m curious if the FI & ex were both guardians for the boys and now that they’ve come to live with ex she’s expecting some help. It does sort of suck for the kids if Cat gets to do things the boys don’t and while I know life isn’t fair these kids have probably been through a lot and need adults to be there & patient with them. 

I get LW is frustrated but an ultimatum of “those kids or us” sucks. The situation seems far from ideal but it’s not the fault of the boys who are probably just needing some support these days. 

mrsconn23

@charlotte989875, I think it's a delicate situation all around.  If they did help these kids out heavily in the past when they were married, I can kind of understand the FI's sense of obligation to be there for the kids.  But the mom decided to take them in recently (because I know you can turn down the request to take in a family member's kids if you can't make it work, even though family placements are preferred) and from LW's perspective, is expecting a co-parenting relationship from FI.  And it sounds like the situation has started taking a toll on FI's daughter.  Plus it's affecting their finances.   If it's a temp placement, it's entirely possible mom is getting money for keeping the kids if they are in the system.  

Yes, the kids need to be supported.  But it sounds like the FI is leading entirely with their heart or sense of obligation to the detriment of his household.   LW and FI did not sign up to take these kids in.  It's over and above of them to support FI's ex and these kids this way, but LW's feelings are completely valid and getting a good feeling from being charitable is not paying the bills. 

short+sassy

charlotte989875 said:

I’m curious if the FI & ex were both guardians for the boys and now that they’ve come to live with ex she’s expecting some help. It does sort of suck for the kids if Cat gets to do things the boys don’t and while I know life isn’t fair these kids have probably been through a lot and need adults to be there & patient with them. 

I get LW is frustrated but an ultimatum of “those kids or us” sucks. The situation seems far from ideal but it’s not the fault of the boys who are probably just needing some support these days. 

From reading the letter, the ex's custody sounds like it happened recently and after her and the LW's FI broke up.

As such, to an extent, I disagree with this.  The FI has no obligation to his ex's nephews.  It is wonderful that he sees these little boys need more love and support in their lives and has stepped up to help.  That is the moral thing to do.  But it also can't be at the expense of his own family.

I don't even think the LW is upset the nephews are still in his life.  She's upset at how much these nephews are in their lives and that is perfectly valid.  The only person who agreed to be these boys caregiver is the ex.  So she needs to figure out how to do that, without sloughing the responsibility off on her ex all the time.

The FI absolutely needs to start putting his foot down.  No more agreeing to watch the boys at the snap of a finger.  The LW and FI can compromise on the amount of time they will watch the boys.  Like maybe one weekend a month and one night a week.  But, other than that, they can no longer help the ex with her childcare.

It sounds like the boys are over often enough to be a drain on their finances.  Which is especially lowdown of the ex, if she is receiving government money or help to care for these boys and not passing some of it along.

charlotte989875

mrsconn23 said:

@charlotte989875, I think it's a delicate situation all around.  If they did help these kids out heavily in the past when they were married, I can kind of understand the FI's sense of obligation to be there for the kids.  But the mom decided to take them in recently (because I know you can turn down the request to take in a family member's kids if you can't make it work, even though family placements are preferred) and from LW's perspective, is expecting a co-parenting relationship from FI.  And it sounds like the situation has started taking a toll on FI's daughter.  Plus it's affecting their finances.   If it's a temp placement, it's entirely possible mom is getting money for keeping the kids if they are in the system.  

Yes, the kids need to be supported.  But it sounds like the FI is leading entirely with their heart or sense of obligation to the detriment of his household.   LW and FI did not sign up to take these kids in.  It's over and above of them to support FI's ex and these kids this way, but LW's feelings are completely valid and getting a good feeling from being charitable is not paying the bills. 

I guess I’m wondering if FI did sign up in some way to help with the kids. Maybe not taking them in but I’m curious if he did in some way indicate he would help co-parent them. 

It sounds like there hasn’t been much of a discussion between the adults here on what, if any, a relationship with the boys looks like. That is, IMO, on the FI for not being clear about what his expectations were for helping out with the boys. I don’t think LW is wrong for being concerned about the situation but I do side eye the all or nothing approach especially if the FI has said it’s important to him to support the boys. That obviously doesn’t mean they have to take them in & pay whenever the ex wants but I don’t think it’s fair for her to say he can’t be in their lives either. 

charlotte989875

short+sassy said:

charlotte989875 said:

I’m curious if the FI & ex were both guardians for the boys and now that they’ve come to live with ex she’s expecting some help. It does sort of suck for the kids if Cat gets to do things the boys don’t and while I know life isn’t fair these kids have probably been through a lot and need adults to be there & patient with them. 

I get LW is frustrated but an ultimatum of “those kids or us” sucks. The situation seems far from ideal but it’s not the fault of the boys who are probably just needing some support these days. 

From reading the letter, the ex's custody sounds like it happened recently and after her and the LW's FI broke up.

As such, to an extent, I disagree with this.  The FI has no obligation to his ex's nephews.  It is wonderful that he sees these little boys need more love and support in their lives and has stepped up to help.  That is the moral thing to do.  But it also can't be at the expense of his own family.

I don't even think the LW is upset the nephews are still in his life.  She's upset at how much these nephews are in their lives and that is perfectly valid.  The only person who agreed to be these boys caregiver is the ex.  So she needs to figure out how to do that, without sloughing the responsibility off on her ex all the time.

The FI absolutely needs to start putting his foot down.  No more agreeing to watch the boys at the snap of a finger.  The LW and FI can compromise on the amount of time they will watch the boys.  Like maybe one weekend a month and one night a week.  But, other than that, they can no longer help the ex with her childcare.

It sounds like the boys are over often enough to be a drain on their finances.  Which is especially lowdown of the ex, if she is receiving government money or help to care for these boys and not passing some of it along.

Sure he doesn’t have a legal obligation to the kids but it sounds like he wants to have some role and does feel a responsibility to them. 

mrsconn23

charlotte989875 said:

short+sassy said:

charlotte989875 said:

I’m curious if the FI & ex were both guardians for the boys and now that they’ve come to live with ex she’s expecting some help. It does sort of suck for the kids if Cat gets to do things the boys don’t and while I know life isn’t fair these kids have probably been through a lot and need adults to be there & patient with them. 

I get LW is frustrated but an ultimatum of “those kids or us” sucks. The situation seems far from ideal but it’s not the fault of the boys who are probably just needing some support these days. 

From reading the letter, the ex's custody sounds like it happened recently and after her and the LW's FI broke up.

As such, to an extent, I disagree with this.  The FI has no obligation to his ex's nephews.  It is wonderful that he sees these little boys need more love and support in their lives and has stepped up to help.  That is the moral thing to do.  But it also can't be at the expense of his own family.

I don't even think the LW is upset the nephews are still in his life.  She's upset at how much these nephews are in their lives and that is perfectly valid.  The only person who agreed to be these boys caregiver is the ex.  So she needs to figure out how to do that, without sloughing the responsibility off on her ex all the time.

The FI absolutely needs to start putting his foot down.  No more agreeing to watch the boys at the snap of a finger.  The LW and FI can compromise on the amount of time they will watch the boys.  Like maybe one weekend a month and one night a week.  But, other than that, they can no longer help the ex with her childcare.

It sounds like the boys are over often enough to be a drain on their finances.  Which is especially lowdown of the ex, if she is receiving government money or help to care for these boys and not passing some of it along.

Sure he doesn’t have a legal obligation to the kids but it sounds like he wants to have some role and does feel a responsibility to them. 

I definitely think it's a good test to see how to handle conflict and family situations in LW and FI's relationship.   

I don't think the FI is wrong to want to help these kids out.  I'm sure they're traumatized on some level.  I do think it's concerning in the sense that they are stretching their finances to do so and that these boys seem to be somewhat destructive to LW's home and things.  I wonder if the FI is paying child support to the ex.  If he's paying CS and now doing this without some sort of financial break...It feels wrong to me.  

Plus as I've already said, Cat is unhappy with the current situation.  That could be regular kid jealousy, but I also understand she's had a lot happen in her life in the very recent past and dad's house may have been becoming a stable place for her. 

I totally understand how LW is seeing this turning to resentment for them quickly.  The kids have a guardian.  I don't think that LW is wrong for wanting some breathing room and a plan regarding these kids their FI seemingly doesn't have any legal rights to but are putting their household in a position to have some responsibility for them.   It's very much a communication issue with the FI and them figuring out the boundaries. 

One of our friends is very much like the FI here and I know his GF has had concerns about his willingness to bend over backward for people (like his ex-wife) at times and it has had a direct impact on her/their time.  Also, we never received child support from the kiddo's mom and there were definitely times where that extra money per week could have made us at times where things were breaking us.  I really feel for the LW and the FI here.  But this is the type of situation that if you're not on the same page, it could kill your relationship. 

Plus also, there has to be some partnering in all this from FI's ex that brought this whole situation to bear via her choices.