Wedding Woes

Yes, say something. That's how to be an ally.

Dear Prudence,

I am in a racially mixed marriage (my wife is of Asian and Afro-Hispanic extraction, and I’m whiter than mayonnaise), and our daughter is the most beautiful brown person (I’m a little biased). After living our entire lives in a major metropolitan area notable for its superlative ethnic and racial diversity, we relocated to an affluent suburb on the opposite coast. This suburb is the opposite of diverse, but is in an area notable for its progressive politics. So, not that bad, if that’s where one finds oneself.

Our daughter is on one of the many local swim teams. Here’s the main issue: the swim team has a cheer they do before swim meets. This particular cheer could best be described as some kind of fake-ass Native American chant. There’s an “Indian” theme to the area, and to the club, so I guess the chant makes sense, thematically? My wife and I both had the same reaction to it the first time we heard it, namely, “wtf is this racist ooga-booga crap?”

The question is, should we say something? Honestly, my wife and I are more amused than offended— generally well-meaning white people completely unaware of a mildly racist blind spot. There are far worse things going on in the world right now. We can deal with the passive-aggressive hostility that some people would direct our way for pooping on their racist party. The people that we don’t want to deal with are the well-meaning liberals falling all over themselves trying to atone for giving offense. The thought of doing all that emotional labor to reassure these folks that they’re not bad people—it’s exhausting.

What is our responsibility here? Keep quiet or raise the issue and deal with the uncomfortable fallout?

— Racist Chant is Racist

Re: Yes, say something. That's how to be an ally.

  • It’s exhausting sure, but it’s bothering you and would probably bother other people. It shouldn’t be your work, but you’re noticing it and have the opportunity to stop it. 
  • Can we stop worrying about the feeling of white people who have to deal with the fallout of being called on their racism? 

    LW, you are not the progressive ally that you like to think you are. You're perfectly fine to teach your child that is better to just go along with and even participate in racist cheers than to risk ruffling any white feathers. 
  • Can we stop worrying about the feeling of white people who have to deal with the fallout of being called on their racism? 

    LW, you are not the progressive ally that you like to think you are. You're perfectly fine to teach your child that is better to just go along with and even participate in racist cheers than to risk ruffling any white feathers. 
    I totally understand that LW doesn't want to deal with the "ohmygoodness howcouldinothaveknown i'msuchaterribleprogressive" responses - less concerned with those people's feelings than with having to deal with hearing about those feelings - but you're a white guy, deal and manage it on behalf of your wife and daughter.

    "Hey, we don't need you to approach us and apologize, we just need it to stop. Let's find another cheer and move on here."
  • You’re exhausting. If you find the chant racist, address it. “I’m sure this isn’t intentional, but the swim chant is mimicking native culture in a way I’m not super comfortable with. Can we teach the club a different cheer?”
    Yes, this.  It's not finger pointing or criticizing, but still getting the important point across.

    Though it is disappointing that national sports teams, which is about as stodgy and old school rich as you can get...with millions of dollars tied to their brands...have already made this change, but local swim clubs have not.

    It's always easier to go with the flow.  That's how systemic racism and gender inequality grow such strong roots.  It's so much harder to turn back the tide that has already eroded away our beaches, then if we had just built a jetty and stopped it in it's tracks a long time ago.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards