It's not your business unless they tell you.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My husband and I are at crossroads about how to confront our sons about a discovery we made while visiting their shared flat. They are stepbrothers technically—note the word “technically.” My husband and I are both widowers who met and bonded at a support group for single parents surviving after cancer.

My son was 10 when I met my husband and 12 when we married. My stepson is 9 months younger, so they are very close in age. After a somewhat rocky start (both boys were grieving and trying to adjust to a new family norm), they became the best of friends, inseparable from about age 13. They even took the same classes together in high school so they could spend more time together, and made sure to go to the same university.

My hubby and I went on to have four more kids, three girls and a boy, so our lives got pretty hectic. Because our older sons were teenagers when our house became baby crazy, I admit my husband and I probably let the older two fend for themselves a bit more than usual, especially with four young kids in the house.

They are both adults now (25 and 26), live a state over, and rent a flat together. We went to visit them once COVID restrictions had eased, and my husband accidentally walked into the second bedroom (in a two-bedroom flat) thinking it was the bathroom, and discovered it was set up as an office. My husband’s curiosity got the better of him and he snuck around, discovering one king-sized bed in the only other bedroom that contained both of their stuff.

My husband didn’t say anything in front of the kids, but told me about it when we got home the following week. He had been mulling it over and decided it best not to tell me until after our holiday was over. We haven’t told the boys, but have been distraught over it. My husband is convinced they are sleeping together, which makes me feel sick. Yes, they are stepbrothers, but have been raised together since they were 9 and 10. My husband’s mind went straight to them sleeping together, but maybe it is non-sexual codependency? Because we were so busy with the younger kids, maybe in their teenage years they just got closer and closer, maybe they weren’t handling the grief over their respective losses as we thought they were?

My husband argues that they have never brought home girlfriends, and we should have noticed the signs earlier. What signs? To me there were no signs. But if my husband is right, how do we handle this? Did it start when they were underage? Did it start when they were adults, at university? Honestly, we don’t know and it has made me feel so sick, and like such a bad mum.

Should we confront the boys about it? Or act like we have no idea what is going on and hope for the best? It is just a very close friendship they grow out of as they get older and meet women? Please give us some insight on how to handle this as I feel so lost. We have the four other kids to think about as well; I am not sure I would want them exposed to what would be an unhealthy relationship if our worries are confirmed.

— Concerned and Confused Mama Bear 

STARMOON44

Say nothing until you’ve processed this more. Their relationship if it exists had an unconventional start but they are now adult men who seem happy and healthy and self sufficient. 

ILoveBeachMusic

I think we had a letter similar to this previously. I don't think the parents should say anything. If their kids want to say something, they should be supportive. No they aren't bad parents!

MyNameIsNot

I don't understand why LW uses "technically step-brothers" in the beginning. Step brothers who've lived together since 9/10 are textbook steps. The "technically" implies kids that were grown when the parents got together and don't really have a sibling relationship. 

Anyway, if they had you in their home set up like this, they likely assume that you already know or don't care if you know. Regardless, they are fully formed adults in their mid twenties. If they want or need your opinion on their living situation, they will ask for it. Otherwise, just continue with the same inattention you've always shown them. 

short+sassy

There was a recent Prudie with a stepbrother/stepsister who dated for a year, as adults, and then they broke up.  It had been three years since their break-up, but the daughter was still super bitter.  She wouldn't go to any family events if he was there and was mad her mom/stepdad had let him move back home.

But there is also a classic Prudie somewhere in the archives about twin brothers who became sexually involved and are totally in love with each other.  

They need to stay out of it, though I can understand how hard that must be.  But their sons' sex life and relationships isn't their business, until the sons want to talk about it.  It's also possible they are close, platonic friends.

But the line that made me LOL was the LW saying, "...as they get older and meet women."  Oh honey.  They are already 25 and 26.  They ARE older.  But thanks for confirming the homophobic vibe I'm getting from your letter.

So ask yourself this question.  Are you and your H more bothered because they are stepsiblings?  Or more bothered that your all's sons are probably gay?

ILoveBeachMusic

short+sassy said:

There was a recent Prudie with a stepbrother/stepsister who dated for a year, as adults, and then they broke up.  It had been three years since their break-up, but the daughter was still super bitter.  She wouldn't go to any family events if he was there and was mad her mom/stepdad had let him move back home.

But there is also a classic Prudie somewhere in the archives about twin brothers who became sexually involved and are totally in love with each other.  

They need to stay out of it, though I can understand how hard that must be.  But their sons' sex life and relationships isn't their business, until the sons want to talk about it.  It's also possible they are close, platonic friends.

But the line that made me LOL was the LW saying, "...as they get older and meet women."  Oh honey.  They are already 25 and 26.  They ARE older.  But thanks for confirming the homophobic vibe I'm getting from your letter.

So ask yourself this question.  Are you and your H more bothered because they are stepsiblings?  Or more bothered that your all's sons are probably gay?

Sounds more like the bolded. Yes I was thinking about the classic Prudie where twin brothers became sexually involved. For some reason i was thinking they were stepbrothers.