Dear Prudence,
My friend, Janice, lives two hours away with her husband and two young children (5 and 1). She moved away three years ago, and since then, I have visited once every few months, staying overnight. I used to stay two nights, but cut it down to one, because the visits became a lot. For one, her son, the 5-year-old, has always lacked boundaries, and the problem was exacerbated when she had her daughter, because he got jealous. So, I hate to say it, but he is difficult to be around for long periods of time. Secondly, her husband is a giant bore. Nice guy, but little personality. And third, when I do visit, we don’t do anything. No exaggeration, we sit in the house most of the time (even before COVID). There isn’t a whole lot to do where she is, but she also just isn’t interested in doing anything. The one time I suggested she and I go out to dinner, she was appalled at the thought of her husband having to eat dinner by himself while watching after two children. We can’t do some things (like go to a local winery) because her kids would be too much. I could go on and on, but since there’s more to this question, I’ll leave it at that.
My friend, Donna, moved away last year, far enough to warrant a plane ride. I’ve been able to visit her twice when I’ve had long weekends (and she has also been back to my city once). The first time I went, while our activities were limited to what we could do outside (including outdoor dining), we still actually did things. The second time, more things were open and available to do.
Janice is now seemingly jealous that I visited Donna for that period of time, as in, she actually commented after my second trip, “lucky Donna that she gets you for that long.” Prior to the last long weekend (July 4), she asked me to come stay with them for the weekend. I said that I had other plans and couldn’t. Now, she’s already pestering me about Labor Day weekend, and I can’t lie and say I have plans, because she’ll start asking me what they are, since it’s still pretty early. One time, when I tried to deflect by telling her I’m not sure about that weekend, but I’m available x or y weekend to come up for a night, she just came back at me with “well since you aren’t sure what your plans are, just make some with me!” I’m just not sure what to do. Maybe this makes me a terrible friend, but I have zero desire to spend my long weekend sitting in her house, with her husband and kids. I don’t even want to compromise and say I’ll come for one night, because she’ll just continue to grill me as to why I can’t stay longer; plus, honestly, that still takes up at least 1.5 days, and I don’t want to be hampered in making other plans when the weekend gets closer (and I’ve already given her two other dates I could come up for a night). I honestly don’t want to lose her as a friend, but I can’t keep this up. What do I do here?
— Take the Hint Already