My fiancé had been divorced for a year when we met. He had three preteen and elementary school-age children. We moved slowly with our relationship for the kids. My relationship with them was civil if slightly warm. Our wedding was five months away when their mother unexpectedly died.
I am not a monster—we cancelled the wedding and focused on the grief of the children. I moved out and kept my distance as my fiancé struggled to be a full-time single parent of three. He got the children into counseling immediately, but the consequences are that three years later, we are still in a holding pattern.
The kids run hot and cold towards me or the idea of marriage. Especially his 15-year-old daughter. She misses her mom and sees me as the interloper. She will never not stop seeing me as the person trying to replace her mother, even if she admits she knows I am not trying to.
Family therapy sessions are hard. My fiancé loves me. He loves his kids. He wants to do the “right thing.” I don’t think it is possible for everyone.
I love him, but I want kids of my own. I am 34 and have a family history of infertility. People tell me to just wait until the daughter turns 18, but she will still be living at home and what then? Gamble on the grief going away or not getting triggered again with a new potential half-sibling? Forcing my fiancé to choose between his children and me maybe? Potentially permanently alienating my stepchildren?
They aren’t bad kids. They don’t deliberately seek to hurt, but they do lash out, and I am the nearest lightning rod. I feel for them, but I can’t live my life this way. Should I stay or go? I love my fiancé with all my heart. Help.