Wedding Woes

Y'all need therapy, together and separately.

Dear Prudence,

My husband and I don’t fight often (think once a month), but when we do, it is horrendous. I’m not perfect, but I have made great strides in not yelling and not yelling back when I am being yelled at. I have PTSD and, honestly, emotional control is difficult and historically I have not been good at it. However, the past year or so I’ve been much better at not letting it get the best of me. My husband does not have PTSD, but still has difficulty with controlling his anger when it comes to fighting (all verbal). I’m afraid we’ve gotten in a pattern where our fights involve yelling matches, but I’m the only one trying to get out of that pattern.

Today we argued about letting our future child play soccer (I’m pregnant, so while this is years away, it’s not an illogical argument). I was on the side that the benefits outweigh the negatives to the extent that heading isn’t allowed until a certain age and most kids wind up hating soccer before then. He believes that it would be irresponsible to allow them to play because one day heading will be allowed, and we’ll have to tell them that they are not allowed to do it or be pulled from the sport. I have also had a traumatic brain injury, so he knows trying to avoid that is a priority for both of us.

For background, I grew up in an argumentative household, so I am not meek and don’t mince my words when I disagree. I’m not one to say things like “I understand where you’re coming from, but…” I did say I knew better than him because I played soccer from 4-to-12, whereas he hadn’t been on a team (though I learned today, did play soccer in gym). This is to say, I’m not coming here with “clean hands.”

While talking about this, it got contentious, but I didn’t realize how contentious until he abruptly said that he didn’t want to talk about this anymore. I tried to say that we don’t have to talk now, but we will eventually and he snapped. He started yelling that I always have to be right and take the joy out of disagreement, that I should have known that he was this upset before he got there based on his social cues which I obviously hadn’t learned adequately as a child, and that I should know that when he said he didn’t want to talk about it, he really meant that I shouldn’t say anything at all. The kicker was when he yelled at me that I was being a bitch and, when I told him not to call me that, he told me that he would stop when I stop acting like a bitch.

I want him to vocalize that he’s upset before it gets to this point and to generally not yell or name-call. I can get behind the fact that I need to be more conscious of his social cues and be quiet when he’s already gone over the edge, but not being called a bitch.

Prudence, we’re having a son! Adults argue and they even sometimes yell, but how do I get it through my husband’s head that no matter how mad he is at me, he can’t use gendered swears at me? If not for me, he needs to do it so our son won’t to any woman.

— Lost but Still in Love

Re: Y'all need therapy, together and separately.

  • Who gets “joy” from disagreement? 

    But yah this whole thing is a mess and you two clearly don’t communicate with each other. Get therapy before your kid is born because this is not health conflict resolution. 
  • You both need to be in therapy. And stop fighting about stuff that doesn’t matter. 
  • Are you sure you should be having a child together? It doesn't sound like you should be together at all. 
  • They really need therapy.  A "horrendous" argument once a month is a lot.  And name calling should never happen.

    I'm also getting bad tingles from the H blaming the LW for not "picking up on social cues".  That sounds like a "you're wrong", blame excuse.

    My H and I do have a phrase that is a lot like that, ie "I can't talk about this anymore.  I'm getting too upset."  That is the cue we both respect to drop whatever we are arguing about.  We can bring it up at another time.  But it's usually something stupid that doesn't matter.  Like what the LW's argument was about.  It sounds like maybe the LW didn't respect that when the H said it.  Not an excuse to name call, but it's something the LW needs to work on also.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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