Classic: Your boundaries are your boundaries...but he was consenting.

mrsconn23

What are appropriate boundaries related to sex and drug use, and am I crazy for mine? Last night I hung out with my boyfriend. He didn’t work that day, but I did, so I went to bed a couple of hours before him. He stayed up and smoked weed before joining me in bed. I woke up, he started making some moves, and I asked if he’d been smoking or was high. He said yes, and I said that I’d rather not have sex, then. I was sober, and something about having sex with someone who’s high seems off. He said that was silly since he was giving consent, but I think that if it had been me and I was drunk and my boyfriend had sex with me anyway, it would be highly questionable territory, and I feel like the same standard applies here. Am I being a prude?

banana468

Honestly, I think that's a talk for when both are sober.  

In my home if DH is drunk or sober if he's making a move he's making a move. Ditto for me.  

LW and their BF need to have that discussion while both are sober and understand their boundaries.   There is a big discussion between pressuring someone under the influence and the person who is influenced but coherent enough to give consent especially when that is in the boundaries of a respectful relationship vs. how to interpret a possible one night stand.

MissKittyDanger

I think LW's boundaries are just they don't want to have sex with someone when they're not sober.
LW needs to convey this to their spouse.

MyNameIsNot

H would be so sad if I stopped boinking him when he's high. 

If you don't want to have sex with someone who isn't sober, that's totally fine, but smoking some weed doesn't negate consent and you shouldn't feel like you're some kind of predator. 

short+sassy

Like @banana468, I also feel there is a world of difference between people already in a relationship having sex while drunk or high, as long as there is nothing they haven't done before being introduced, than there is with having sex with someone under the influence where there isn't much/any history.

HOWEVER, that's not how the LW feels and it's actually great this incident happened first with the b/f being under the influence, instead of the other way around.  Had it been the other way, the b/f might have felt he was doing nothing wrong while it sounds like the LW would have been upset the next day and felt taken advantage of.

Now they can have a "when they're both sober" conversation about boundaries and how they will handle these instances in the future.

banana468

short+sassy said:

Like @banana468, I also feel there is a world of difference between people already in a relationship having sex while drunk or high, as long as there is nothing they haven't done before being introduced, than there is with having sex with someone under the influence where there isn't much/any history.

HOWEVER, that's not how the LW feels and it's actually great this incident happened first with the b/f being under the influence, instead of the other way around.  Had it been the other way, the b/f might have felt he was doing nothing wrong while it sounds like the LW would have been upset the next day and felt taken advantage of.

Now they can have a "when they're both sober" conversation about boundaries and how they will handle these instances in the future.

I am guessing that the LW may need a bit of a 'coming around' feeling so that there's a mutual understanding of what does and doesn't work. 

charlotte989875

Both people need to consent and the LW clearly didn’t. That’s fine!

Now if they wanted to but didn’t because they thought BF was too high then that’s a different story. Definitely talk about it when you’re both sober but also you don’t need validation for not wanting to have sex- whatever the reason.