Wedding Woes

File to trash and tell her you don't want to discuss it.

Dear Prudence,

My mother is a very anxious person, and has very little to occupy herself in the way of friends, hobbies, etc. The pandemic has only amplified this situation. She spends much of her time on the computer reading sensationalized or horrific news stories. She then forwards these articles on to me, my sibling, and our spouses—especially if she knows we might be able to somehow relate. For example, I have a 3-year-old and a 6-year-old and live in a mountain town. Just in the last few days I’ve received emails with links to stories about a 3-year-old who died from a rare brain eating amoeba after visiting a community splash pad, a woman who was mauled to death by a bear while out for a walk in a suburban neighborhood not far from my own, and a 6-year-old who was killed in a freak accident on an amusement park ride. I rarely read the articles, but she’ll put something in the subject line summarizing the traumatic event, and she’ll ask me later if I read it, and want to discuss it.

Given my upbringing and genetics, I also struggle with anxiety, and I’m very careful about my news consumption and have been in therapy to learn to control catastrophizing thought patterns. When I’ve tried to ask my mother to stop sending these emails and explain their effect on me, she becomes very defensive and says that I need to be “aware” and “educated” so I can keep my children safe. She’ll stop for a while, and then in a few days or more send me something else, saying it was “too important” to let me “choose ignorance.”

I try to be sympathetic to her mental health status, and tell myself that this is how she tries to exert some control over a world she feels is unsafe. However, it is exhausting for me, mentally, and I’m tired of being derailed and having to recoup in the middle of my day from these unexpected triggers. I don’t know how to preserve our fragile relationship, but also set a firm boundary.

— Guarding My Inbox

Re: File to trash and tell her you don't want to discuss it.

  • “Mom since you insist on sending me traumatic emails even though I’ve asked you to stop, from now on all your emails go to trash immediately without being read.  I’m disappointed you don’t respect my boundaries.”
  • Set a rule that anything she sends you goes to a separate folder. If you miss an actual email from her she’ll follow up. 
  • Child of a worrier here.  It gets old and annoying and yet SHE got her hip replaced and didn't tell me until it was done.  

    File the stories and tell your mom you're not going to entertain them unless they're relevant to you.  

    That said, I'm also a worrier about the brain eating amoeba and would not take my kiddo to a fresh water play area in a warm weather state like Florida or Texas. 
  • I wonder if the LW can help redirect her mom to a time-consuming hobby that has a lot of info about it on the internet.

    Because, especially since the mom suffers from anxiety also, she is probably making her own life unnecessarily stressful.  I think that's also worth a discussion to have with mom.  Save both of their sanities.

    For the LW's self, keep setting boundaries.  Make sure mom understands that the LW isn't rejecting her and it's not that she doesn't want to communicate with her but, for their own mental health, they cannot read these types of e-mails.  Like @charlotte989875 mentioned, have mom's e-mails automatically routed to a "Mom" folder.  Skim through it once a week or, if the LW has a partner, have their partner skim through it.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I wonder if the LW can help redirect her mom to a time-consuming hobby that has a lot of info about it on the internet.

    Because, especially since the mom suffers from anxiety also, she is probably making her own life unnecessarily stressful.  I think that's also worth a discussion to have with mom.  Save both of their sanities.

    I've tried this too. It doesn't work. My mom doesn't seem to even want a hobby. And I've made countless suggestions, as has my dad. It's so frustrating. She tries to say her day is busy with cleaning, but I know that's not true. My dad meanwhile works a part time job and has about 850 hobbies. The only thing I'm hoping will help is that my nephew/her first grandkid is due in January. 

    Literally the day I got home from HI (last Saturday) she started asking me about Thanksgiving, asking if my guy was coming, asking me all these other questions. Meanwhile, I don't even know what I'm doing because they live 2 hours away from me now, and I can't bring my dog to their house. And it's SIX WEEKS away. I flat out told her that I was too tired to have this conversation and I hung up. 
  • Use technology here! Auto-forward mom stuff to a folder and either delete it or go through it when you're in the right mental space for it. Or if you are geeky and a little obsessive like I am, you can figure out how to get the rules to automatically delete everything with links to news outlets or however she sends them. 

    But yeah, boundaries. Mom, it doesn't matter how many of those you send me, I am not going to read them. 
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