Wedding Woes

Toxic ex-friend is revealing my secrets.

Dear Prudence,

I am a woman in my mid twenties who, back in 2019, had a major falling out with a person I had called a best friend. It was a hard decision to cut her out of my life as we had gone to school together from preschool through high school, and I had shared a lot of vulnerable information with her regarding past mental health struggles and my sexuality. I won’t go into the details of why the friendship had to come to an end, but I will say that I was having nightmares for months because of how badly she treated me. She went on to harass me in the weeks following our friendship breakup, texting my mother(!) to try to arrange a time and location she could ambush me, leaving me 10 minute long voicemails sobbing (blocking a number doesn’t prevent them from being able to leave you voicemails, who knew), and more.

Prudie, she was an awful friend and a truly toxic person. At a therapist’s advice and for my own sanity, I blocked her on all social media platforms I had at the time. A year later or so, I was so much happier for having chosen to prioritize friends who respect me! Around then, I happened to create a TikTok account where I learned she had been frequently posting videos about me (which she continues to this day, a full two years later)! She never explicitly uses my name but reveals details that make it very obvious who I am, such as using a popular audio that includes my first name and in the comments remarking that it is ironic how that is my name, or writing my name in the video but blurring out 2 letters in the middle, etc. (For reference, I’d estimate she has posted one about once a month ever since fall of 2019.)

She claims to be a mental health advocacy account, and her followers comment about how brave she is for having dealt with an awful friend like me for so many years. I don’t know how on earth she spins this stuff to make her look like the good guy, but she manages to gain tons of sympathy from internet strangers. I don’t check her account often, but occasionally when I am feeling down about myself I look her up to see if she is still doing it, and she always is. I know I should just block her on TikTok too, but it’s easier said than done. I don’t think she’s aware I have seen her account, as I would never follow her and my profile does not include name or anything that would identify myself.

At this point, I feel the videos are getting more targeted, and though she is still not directly using my name, she is revealing very sensitive, specific details I shared with her many years ago. I fear she could still share yet more embarrassing information. Casual friends from high school have told me they know she is making these videos about me and that they’re sorry she’s being so crazy, so when she reveals information, these people I know in real life are learning things about me that I really wish they hadn’t. Should I contact her to tell her to knock it off? Send a fake cease-and-desist letter? Let it go and hope she doesn’t continue her trend of getting more specific or reveal my identity?

— Wish I Could Just Move On 

Re: Toxic ex-friend is revealing my secrets.

  • LW is being doxxed and given situation, idk if it's a thing in the states but could police be involved?
  • Is there a way to involve attorneys here?  If LW is someone who is public I'd consider it.

    If not, I think the LW may benefit from therapy and blocking that account.  While some TikTok accounts go viral most don't.   
  • I’ve honestly wondered about this on some videos that pop up while I’m scrolling. I know people basically use them as a therapeutic way of addressing trauma, however there’s a voyeuristic and consumeristic feeling about a lot of them I don’t like. I’ve also seen some where it really feels vindictive and potentially damaging when there are clearly two sides to the story. Every time they pop up I want to escape whatever algorithm brought me there. 

  • Can you ask a close family member/ friend to monitor the videos and let you know if/when they’re about you and revealing personal information. Can you report them and have them taken down? 
  • short+sassyshort+sassy member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited November 2021
    Why send a fake "cease and desist" letter.?  Hire an attorney and send a real one.  That would also be a good person to ask if any further actions could be taken.

    But as long as the former friend isn't stating any lies, I'm not sure if there is much that could actually be done.  A letter might at least scare the friend into stopping. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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