Wedding Woes

I don't think you're in a position to ask Ally for a favor.

Dear Prudence,

I have a problem I am heartbroken about in so many ways. I’m a gay man and have been close friends with “Ally,” a queer woman, for many years. I’ve been single or unhappily dating much of that time while she has been in a very happy long-term relationship with her now wife almost as long as I’ve known her. I’ve always been jealous of their relationship, honestly.

In January, I met “Nick.” We started dating and it was wonderful—the best relationship of my life. He’s the first boyfriend I ever introduced to my parents, who loved him, as did many of my other friends. Ally, however, did not love him, though she tried to hide that at first. When I mentioned to her that I’d noticed she was off with him (not rude but not her usual hyper-friendly self), she admitted that she didn’t like him and said he’d made lowkey homophobic comments about her wife “not looking like a lesbian” and “man-hating feminist dykes.” I decided she was overreacting/had misunderstood as Nick identifies as a feminist and is pretty stereotypically gay-acting himself and unlikely to have meant any harm by a comment about her wife’s stereotypical or otherwise appearance. We didn’t exactly fight but it wasn’t a nice conversation.

We did fight when I told her in September that I was moving in with Nick. She went very quiet on the phone and then awkwardly said she was happy for me, but weren’t we moving a bit fast? I got irritated and said I wasn’t looking for input from someone who took over two years to move from “best friends” to actually asking her wife on a date, and said that just because her relationship moved glacially slowly (they were engaged for years, too) didn’t mean everyone else had to. She got angry and we ended the call on a bad note. I later apologized and she accepted.

Now … Nick has broken up with me. It was brutal, and I saw a new side to him on moving in: cold, snide, and dismissive of my problems while totally absorbed in his own. He broke up with me last weekend and told me he’d never really added me to his lease like he claimed and that I had a week to get out. I am in a complete state, obviously, and currently staying in a hotel because I can’t bear to be around him even while still officially “allowed.” I badly need a place to stay while I find my feet, and in any other circumstances, Ally would be the person I’d ask. She lives locally and we have looked out for each other like this in the past—I gave her a place to stay when her family kicked her out years ago, and she came and looked after me for a month when I was seriously ill and living in another city. But I am obviously ashamed to ask for her help after how I’ve behaved with her—I drew back because of Nick’s dislike of her as much as her dislike of him, and obviously I upset her with that call. There’s no doubt in my mind that she would give me a place to stay if I did ask, to be clear—she would immediately offer and, worst of all, doubtless be very graceful and kind about it. I just don’t know if I should ask or if that’s too outrageous of me at this point. I can see reading this that I’ve been an idiot. I feel like I’ve ruined my closest friendship over a horrible guy and I don’t know what to do. Any advice would be so appreciated.

— I’ve Been an Idiot

Re: I don't think you're in a position to ask Ally for a favor.

  • Genuinely apologize to Ally for what happened. Don’t ask to stay with her or fish for an invitation but do reach out and make amends. Tell her you’ve been an idiot and go from there. If she isn’t receptive you need to accept that.  
  • It sounds like Ally was giving her concern/opinion.  As long as she only said it once and wasn't pushing, the OP had no right to insult her about the pace of her own relationship and he was the one who harmed this friendship.

    It's a little trickier, but a BFF can dislike someone's SO and not have it ruin the friendship.

    What he needs to do is let Ally know what happened and that he now sees how foolish he was to let her opinion of Nick get in the way of their friendship.  He shouldn't even get into about "she was right, he was wrong" about Nick, because it doesn't matter.  That attitude implies that, if Nick had been a fantastic guy, it was okay that OP pulled away from the friendship.  It wasn't okay, either way.

    And he needs to have this conversation to salvage the friendship.  Period.  That's the only reason.  Not to try and angle in a place to couch-surf.  Because that would make you a really sh***y person, OP.

    As an aside, it doesn't matter that Nick never put OP on the lease.  When OP moved in, he became a sub-letter to Nick, who has to follow the same landlord/tenant law that everybody else does.  Which usually entails that Nick needed to give OP a written 30-Day Notice to Vacate.  Some areas are even longer than that.  A moot point because OP moved out immediately.  I just don't like people who think they can willy-nilly make up whatever rules they want.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I think LW may need to make amends with Ally.  And it's probably a smart idea to consider doing so and then possibly thinking about why they moved so quickly.  

    That said, I would not reach out for favors and instead would start to move quickly on finding a place of their own. 
  • Love that @VarunaTT.  Is she still married to him?

  • Interjecting can be a lose-lose situation.  You can KNOW that someone is making a mistake but as the messenger and killer of the new person energy you're likely going to be the enemy.  
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