I have a problem I am heartbroken about in so many ways. I’m a gay man and have been close friends with “Ally,” a queer woman, for many years. I’ve been single or unhappily dating much of that time while she has been in a very happy long-term relationship with her now wife almost as long as I’ve known her. I’ve always been jealous of their relationship, honestly.
In January, I met “Nick.” We started dating and it was wonderful—the best relationship of my life. He’s the first boyfriend I ever introduced to my parents, who loved him, as did many of my other friends. Ally, however, did not love him, though she tried to hide that at first. When I mentioned to her that I’d noticed she was off with him (not rude but not her usual hyper-friendly self), she admitted that she didn’t like him and said he’d made lowkey homophobic comments about her wife “not looking like a lesbian” and “man-hating feminist dykes.” I decided she was overreacting/had misunderstood as Nick identifies as a feminist and is pretty stereotypically gay-acting himself and unlikely to have meant any harm by a comment about her wife’s stereotypical or otherwise appearance. We didn’t exactly fight but it wasn’t a nice conversation.
We did fight when I told her in September that I was moving in with Nick. She went very quiet on the phone and then awkwardly said she was happy for me, but weren’t we moving a bit fast? I got irritated and said I wasn’t looking for input from someone who took over two years to move from “best friends” to actually asking her wife on a date, and said that just because her relationship moved glacially slowly (they were engaged for years, too) didn’t mean everyone else had to. She got angry and we ended the call on a bad note. I later apologized and she accepted.
Now … Nick has broken up with me. It was brutal, and I saw a new side to him on moving in: cold, snide, and dismissive of my problems while totally absorbed in his own. He broke up with me last weekend and told me he’d never really added me to his lease like he claimed and that I had a week to get out. I am in a complete state, obviously, and currently staying in a hotel because I can’t bear to be around him even while still officially “allowed.” I badly need a place to stay while I find my feet, and in any other circumstances, Ally would be the person I’d ask. She lives locally and we have looked out for each other like this in the past—I gave her a place to stay when her family kicked her out years ago, and she came and looked after me for a month when I was seriously ill and living in another city. But I am obviously ashamed to ask for her help after how I’ve behaved with her—I drew back because of Nick’s dislike of her as much as her dislike of him, and obviously I upset her with that call. There’s no doubt in my mind that she would give me a place to stay if I did ask, to be clear—she would immediately offer and, worst of all, doubtless be very graceful and kind about it. I just don’t know if I should ask or if that’s too outrageous of me at this point. I can see reading this that I’ve been an idiot. I feel like I’ve ruined my closest friendship over a horrible guy and I don’t know what to do. Any advice would be so appreciated.
— I’ve Been an Idiot