I think there's a lot of nuance missing here.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My girlfriend of seven years to whom I’m about to propose told me that she once had a relationship with a married man for 5 years. She was not married herself so she feels like she did nothing wrong. I am obsessing over this, because it makes me feel as though she does not respect the sanctity of marriage. Am I wrong?

— Emotionally Confused

STARMOON44

You are not wrong!

charlotte989875

Ask her about it. This was at least 7 years ago and she may look at it a lot differently now that she did then. But you’ve clearly been fine with this while dating (or not and haven’t said anything) and now all the sudden you have an issue? 

What she did in the past wont predict whether your marriage succeeds (or doesn’t) but not talking about something bothering you absolutely will. 

banana468

I think there's a lot of nuance missing.  Was the GF party to an extramarital affair where the wife of the H thought that he was faithful?  Were they separated?  Were they getting ready to divorce?  Were they in an open marriage?   I think you need to talk to her about it.  Then ask if you were cheating on her what would her opinion be of the other woman vs. you.

I'm fully of the opinion that if you are knowingly in an extramarital affair where your relationship is secret and your relationship cannot be known by the spouse of your partner then what you are doing is wrong.  You don't have to be breaking marriage vows to be doing something wrong and IMO I would not be in a lifelong commitment with someone who didn't agree with that. 

levioosa

There’s nuance for sure, but I think it boils down to, did she know and was it a closed, non-separated, non-open marriage on their end? If so, then that was wrong and I wouldn’t want to enter marriage with someone like that either. 

mrsconn23

I wonder if "she feels like she did nothing wrong," may be more along the lines of, "I did this thing and it's a part of my past, but I'm not plagued with shame about it every day"?

I encourage LW to stop focusing on this one relationship their GF had and have a more philosophical discussion about marriage, monogamy, relationship expectations, deal-breakers, etc.  That's more important now than where she stood on cheating when she was unmarried but involved with someone who was.  It may help the whole 'obsessing' issue, which is your problem LW and not hers. 

banana468

mrsconn23 said:

I wonder if "she feels like she did nothing wrong," may be more along the lines of, "I did this thing and it's a part of my past, but I'm not plagued with shame about it every day"?

I encourage LW to stop focusing on this one relationship their GF had and have a more philosophical discussion about marriage, monogamy, relationship expectations, deal-breakers, etc.  That's more important now than where she stood on cheating when she was unmarried but involved with someone who was.  It may help the whole 'obsessing' issue, which is your problem LW and not hers. 

Also that.  I did things in my past that I'm not proud of.  But the issue IMO is how honest she wants to be. 

short+sassy

The biggest problem I have with this letter is that the LW has been dating his g/f for 7 years.  I mean, if this is a dealbreaker for him, that's fine.  But then it should have been a dealbreaker 7 years ago, so why have you been wasting her time for YEARS?

If it's bothering him so much, they should attend some pre-marital counseling sessions.  That would help both of them get a better view of what marriage means to the other person.  Their thoughts on fidelity.  Along with many other things.

STARMOON44

short+sassy said:

The biggest problem I have with this letter is that the LW has been dating his g/f for 7 years.  I mean, if this is a dealbreaker for him, that's fine.  But then it should have been a dealbreaker 7 years ago, so why have you been wasting her time for YEARS?

If it's bothering him so much, they should attend some pre-marital counseling sessions.  That would help both of them get a better view of what marriage means to the other person.  Their thoughts on fidelity.  Along with many other things.

But based on the letter we have no idea if she told him 7 years ago, as you are reading it, or yesterday, as I am reading it. 

ILoveBeachMusic

Yeah, I didn't read that LW has known about the affair for their whole relationship. It sounds as if GF told LW recently.

short+sassy

STARMOON44 said:

short+sassy said:

The biggest problem I have with this letter is that the LW has been dating his g/f for 7 years.  I mean, if this is a dealbreaker for him, that's fine.  But then it should have been a dealbreaker 7 years ago, so why have you been wasting her time for YEARS?

If it's bothering him so much, they should attend some pre-marital counseling sessions.  That would help both of them get a better view of what marriage means to the other person.  Their thoughts on fidelity.  Along with many other things.

But based on the letter we have no idea if she told him 7 years ago, as you are reading it, or yesterday, as I am reading it. 

If that is true, it turns the whole letter on its head for me.

Because now that means there has been this whole 5-year chunk of her romantic life that she hasn't told him anything about over the 7 years they have been together.  If this were me, I'd find this omission more troubling than the affair she had.

mrsconn23

short+sassy said:

STARMOON44 said:

short+sassy said:

The biggest problem I have with this letter is that the LW has been dating his g/f for 7 years.  I mean, if this is a dealbreaker for him, that's fine.  But then it should have been a dealbreaker 7 years ago, so why have you been wasting her time for YEARS?

If it's bothering him so much, they should attend some pre-marital counseling sessions.  That would help both of them get a better view of what marriage means to the other person.  Their thoughts on fidelity.  Along with many other things.

But based on the letter we have no idea if she told him 7 years ago, as you are reading it, or yesterday, as I am reading it. 

If that is true, it turns the whole letter on its head for me.

Because now that means there has been this whole 5-year chunk of her romantic life that she hasn't told him anything about over the 7 years they have been together.  If this were me, I'd find this omission more troubling than the affair she had.

True story.  But also I do find sometimes when people are getting ready to make a big change/leap, they look at certain things/moments/conversations more critically.  So yes, if this is a bomb she just dropped then I see LW being taken aback. 

But I go back to my original statement, this is a jumping off point for LW and GF to have a wider conversation about what they want out of a long term commitment/marriage from each other.  I preach the gospel of Brene Brown, it's time for LW to be vulnerable and discuss their boundaries vs. trying to shame GF about her past.  After having conversations with GF, LW needs to decide for themselves how to proceed and where their boundaries lie.