You're asking your H to shut out his sister?

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I’m struggling with my obligations to my unmarried sister-in-law. I don’t really care for her, and my husband doesn’t have much of a relationship with her. He does, though, have a strong sense of obligation/FAMILY. She never married or had children, and has never been much of a cook. A few years ago we moved to a suburb of the city she lives in. She always spends Christmas with her parents (usually at a sibling’s home), and has her own plans for Easter and Thanksgiving. When the family comes to our home for Christmas, she arrives empty handed, doesn’t help and never picks up a check. I find it annoying. Why should I have to cook for her? But I deal, because that’s what you do. But now with the pandemic she seems to be more alone, and my husband thinks THE RIGHT THING TO DO is to invite her for all the holidays. I don’t want to. I’m the one who does the cooking and cleaning. He also likes to send her home with leftovers. Again, why am I having to feed this grown-ass woman, who does absolutely ZERO for me? She has NEVER invited us to share the holiday with her. It would be different if my husband regularly got together with her, or talked on the phone to her, or … anything? But as best as I can tell this necessity to offer her a holiday invitation is being solely driven by obligation.

Am I just a bitch, or is there a way to get my husband to see this in a different light? (That light being that she lives her life, we live ours, and see each other once or twice a year, without my having to host her).

— Can I Just Ditch the SIL Already?!

flantastic

"Why should I host someone who just lets us host her?"

Like seriously, the "why should I have to cook for her?" line? WTF? It's not like you're making her meals weekly to sustain her. You're just including her in the group of people you're already hosting. Because your H wants to see his sister. WTF.

Casadena

Yup, you're just a bitch

banana468

flantastic said:

"Why should I host someone who just lets us host her?"

Like seriously, the "why should I have to cook for her?" line? WTF? It's not like you're making her meals weekly to sustain her. You're just including her in the group of people you're already hosting. Because your H wants to see his sister. WTF.

This.  

There's a line here in what you're supposed to do but it also seems like this is how she is.  You host her and cook for her because you're taking the holiday.  

I can understand the feeling of dealing with someone who is a constant taker.  We've seen that with friends of ours but not family.  Even those who never host don't show up at my door on Christmas empty handed.  So you invite her to your home because she doesn't have anywhere to go! 

That said, you also don't need to stock her fridge either.  If you have excess leftovers you won't eat then send them with her and if not, keep them.  

The concept that you do not feel like you should be doing this makes me wonder what your sense of family is. 

charlotte989875

Why are you feeding her because she’s in your house? BECAUSE SHES IN YOUR HOUSE! 

Don’t want to host? Don’t host but don’t single her out because she’s single and doesn’t host. 

mrsconn23

If you're bitter about hosting, you can:
1) Stop offering to host and if asked, be all, "Oh not this year!"
2) Start delegating things for people to bring for the event
3) Suffer in silence and let the bitterness overtake you

Also your husband lives at your home, no? Why is the hosting falling *all* on you?  Tell him to get his ass in gear and hand him a scrub brush and/or a recipe. 

I don't think it's fair that you're the default host, but only you can change it by saying 'not this time'.  I wonder if LW is feeling this way because SIL is a woman and LW feels SIL as a woman in H's family should offer to open her home to host because of gender roles and all that. 

But the one thing you really shouldn't do is die on this hill with your H.  Disparaging his sister is not a good plan and also it doesn't get you anything.  It doesn't sound like you spend that much time with her.   LW is spending more time stressing and haranguing over this than they are actually spending time with H's family. 

I personally prefer to host because if I'm going to be preparing everything, I'd rather be in my home and kitchen.  I have al my stuff, plus I don't have to worry about having the third (or fourth? HA) glass of wine.  But that's just me.  Also, we delegate constantly. 

MNNEBride

I agree OP is being a bitch.  But there is nothing wrong with  saying, "Dinner is at Noon, please bring dinner rolls" and then have some as a back up in case she doesn't follow through.  

climbingsingle

Jesus Christ, she's complaining about having to "cook for her" once a freaking year? Uh, yes, you are a bitch. 

ei34

Do the rest of the guests LW hosts contribute to the meal?  If it's potluck, LW needs to let SIL what she has to bring.  If it's not...why is it a problem that SIL shows up empty-handed but not the others?  
LW hasn't given a reason for disliking the SIL...if she was super racist or something I'd be on board with not wanting to be around her.  But I read it like LW is merely bothered bc the SIL exists...yup, that's bitchy.

MissKittyDanger

I feel like LW's frustration is being aimed at SIL when it shouldn't be - SIL is probably just an easy target.

does LW's H tell SIL to bring something?
If yes, then SIL is just being rude. If not, then maybe someone needs to say something.

Why is LW doing all the cooking? Is the H not helping? Is no one helping?

Is LW likely frustrated to be HBIC for holidays when they probably want to sit and enjoy as well?

ILoveBeachMusic

I took the comment about cooking for the sister was about other meals since she is staying with them for the holidays. If someone was staying with me for several days, expected me to cook for them and send leftovers home without contributing, I'd be annoyed too. However, I could've misinterpreted that. I agree the best option is to just not host or assign dishes for everyone to contribute.

banana468

ILoveBeachMusic said:

I took the comment about cooking for the sister was about other meals since she is staying with them for the holidays. If someone was staying with me for several days, expected me to cook for them and send leftovers home without contributing, I'd be annoyed too. However, I could've misinterpreted that. I agree the best option is to just not host or assign dishes for everyone to contribute.

Also agreed.

If the sister is a constant taker then it's time to tell her what she can do to help.

"Oh sure we're happy to have you!  What will be great is if you bring X, Y and Z."  

flantastic

ILoveBeachMusic said:

I took the comment about cooking for the sister was about other meals since she is staying with them for the holidays. If someone was staying with me for several days, expected me to cook for them and send leftovers home without contributing, I'd be annoyed too. However, I could've misinterpreted that. I agree the best option is to just not host or assign dishes for everyone to contribute.

I am not seeing that. SIL lives in their metro area - I don't think she's taking up their guest room. "All the holidays" just means they invite her over every time they have a gathering, IMO.

Agree with MKD that this is a classic case of "something else is going on here." Either the LW is feeling put-upon with the hosting and SIL is a scapegoat, or she has other reasons she dislikes the SIL and this is what she's seizing upon. Otherwise I don't see how this goes beyond a mild annoyance, easily solved by saying, "Please bring the rolls."

banana468

flantastic said:

ILoveBeachMusic said:

I took the comment about cooking for the sister was about other meals since she is staying with them for the holidays. If someone was staying with me for several days, expected me to cook for them and send leftovers home without contributing, I'd be annoyed too. However, I could've misinterpreted that. I agree the best option is to just not host or assign dishes for everyone to contribute.

I am not seeing that. SIL lives in their metro area - I don't think she's taking up their guest room. "All the holidays" just means they invite her over every time they have a gathering, IMO.

Agree with MKD that this is a classic case of "something else is going on here." Either the LW is feeling put-upon with the hosting and SIL is a scapegoat, or she has other reasons she dislikes the SIL and this is what she's seizing upon. Otherwise I don't see how this goes beyond a mild annoyance, easily solved by saying, "Please bring the rolls."

This kind of reminds me of my grandmother's brother.  He was NOTORIOUSLY cheap.  Like - kids are sleeping in an uninsulated unheated attic cheap.  His excellent cook of a wife did not have an oven door that closed because he would not repair it cheap.  He wouldn't use the proper electronics for his kitchen and as a result there would be an annual issue where my dad would go over and help.  He didn't offer payment. 

That said, my grandmother and relatives did not want to turn away his 3 kids and they were family.  My grandfather never liked him but they hosted them for family events because the cheapness was not worth the family rift. 

levioosa

“ When the family comes to our home for Christmas, she arrives empty handed, doesn’t help and never picks up a check.”

So maybe it was just the way I was raised, but this low key bothers me about FIs family too. I don’t mind hosting. And when I host, I HOST. Apps, food, dessert, drinks, everything. But it drives me absolutely up a wall how almost no one offers to help me clean up dishes at the end. I’m not asking you to be an indentured servant, but damn, it would be nice if you could rinse off your plate instead of leaving it all for me. When we go over to FIs parents house I am the ONLY ONE who helps his mom clean up (well, FBIL C’s wife will help a little too if she’s there). It drives me crazy and I feel like it’s so disrespectful. 

I could have written some of this letter about FIs sister. She is childless, makes fantastic money, has a ton of free time, and yet she never helps, never brings anything (to any family gathering, not just mine), or ever offers to help pay. She is so friggin cheap, and a lot of her life is subsidized off of other people. When she “hosts,” she tells everyone what food and decorations to bring. So it irks and sometimes I do get very annoyed. But I know I can’t change it so I just take a deep breath and try to focus on the fact that we got to spend time with family. 

Also it’s one time a year, so while the “helping” would bother me, LW should get over the rest. You’re choosing to host. If you don’t want to, then don’t. 

MyNameIsNot

mrsconn23 said:

If you're bitter about hosting, you can:
1) Stop offering to host and if asked, be all, "Oh not this year!"
2) Start delegating things for people to bring for the event
3) Suffer in silence and let the bitterness overtake you

Also your husband lives at your home, no? Why is the hosting falling *all* on you?  Tell him to get his ass in gear and hand him a scrub brush and/or a recipe. 

I don't think it's fair that you're the default host, but only you can change it by saying 'not this time'.  I wonder if LW is feeling this way because SIL is a woman and LW feels SIL as a woman in H's family should offer to open her home to host because of gender roles and all that. 

But the one thing you really shouldn't do is die on this hill with your H.  Disparaging his sister is not a good plan and also it doesn't get you anything.  It doesn't sound like you spend that much time with her.   LW is spending more time stressing and haranguing over this than they are actually spending time with H's family. 

I personally prefer to host because if I'm going to be preparing everything, I'd rather be in my home and kitchen.  I have al my stuff, plus I don't have to worry about having the third (or fourth? HA) glass of wine.  But that's just me.  Also, we delegate constantly. 

This is what I'm seeing too. Somehow I don't think this would be an issue if it was the husband's brother. 

ILoveBeachMusic

flantastic said:

ILoveBeachMusic said:

I took the comment about cooking for the sister was about other meals since she is staying with them for the holidays. If someone was staying with me for several days, expected me to cook for them and send leftovers home without contributing, I'd be annoyed too. However, I could've misinterpreted that. I agree the best option is to just not host or assign dishes for everyone to contribute.

I am not seeing that. SIL lives in their metro area - I don't think she's taking up their guest room. "All the holidays" just means they invite her over every time they have a gathering, IMO.

Agree with MKD that this is a classic case of "something else is going on here." Either the LW is feeling put-upon with the hosting and SIL is a scapegoat, or she has other reasons she dislikes the SIL and this is what she's seizing upon. Otherwise I don't see how this goes beyond a mild annoyance, easily solved by saying, "Please bring the rolls."

I missed the part about her living in the same city. So yeah, once a year not much to ask even if I do think sister could help out.

short+sassy

LW, your SIL does this 1-2x/year.  Sounds like your husband does this every day.  You're writing the wrong Prudie letter.

MesmrEwe

Next event "Hey - can you stop at the grocery store/bakery and pick up a couple packs of rolls to have with dinner!  TTFN!" (In the Minnesota Passive-aggressive tone that you're doing it, it's not a hardship for you to do, and you're going to contribute!")...  My guess LW's H never asked for help and some people are awkward about such matters...

There's a line that everyone has where the Law of Reciprocity kicks in and LW has hit her point that even if it's a meal at a restaurant, the SIL needs to pick up the tab for it and things are good with the world again...