Have you told him that you've been hurt by him?

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I’m having an issue with my father I can’t figure out what to do with. About 10 years ago, he kicked my mom out of the house and moved in with a woman that he met at a strip club (Brenda) who he then fell head over heels for. She was a nice woman but she didn’t love him (she said so). Then she died and it ripped him apart. He’s now living in a different state, and when I went to visit him he told me that nobody down there knows about my mother who died last year and that Brenda was his only wife and I presume also my mother. He didn’t acknowledge my mother’s birthday to me, but every year gets a hold of me on the anniversary of Brenda’s death to “remember her.” It really hurts, and I love my father, but I’m not sure I can keep up communication with him. I’m just so angry. What should I do about that?

— Over All of It

CharmedPam

Yeah a simple “Brenda was your 2nd wife, Dad.  No relation to me. You can do a memorial for her if you want, but I’m doing one for my mom”. 

charlotte989875

“Dad I’m sorry miss Brenda, but it hurts that you don’t acknowledge that I miss Mom too”. 

mrsconn23

This is some really complex grief for LW and dad is not helping at all.  Someone (a therapist?) needs to give LW permission to tell their father how angry and upset he has made them and also, that drawing boundaries with your only remaining parent is OK and healthy.  It sounds like dad is a hot mess at best or a terrible person at worst.  LW does not need to take it on at all, especially when it's so detrimental to LW's mental wellness. 

Also, I believe LW needs to remove themselves from the narrative from mom and dad's marriage.  LW's truth is that mom was thrown out after dad met another woman and it may have been that sudden to mom when it happened, but LW probably doesn't know their dad's or mom's truth about their marriage and as a kid, there's parts that aren't their business or for them to judge, IMO.  They need to process it through the part of being a child of people who should have been focused on taking care of their kids before anything else, and how to live with that not happening.