There is so much going on here.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My sister has a bad habit of dumping her daughter on our mother and me without any warning. (Dad isn’t in the picture.) She will just show up and drop my niece off on the doorstep. She classifies it as “family bonding,” while I call it bad parenting. We fight about it. I have health issues that keep me from working, so I am dependent on my mother and what money my father sends me (I am going to community college). Mom will never say no to seeing her granddaughter. I love my niece, and she is an easy kid to watch, but I am tired of having my every weekend wrecked on my sister’s whims. Where our mother works is severely short staffed, so she often has to work on the weekend and inconsistent hours. So that leaves me to do the babysitting.

The straw that broke my back was several weeks ago where my sister decided to drop off my niece and three other kids I didn’t know without even a word to me (they were the kids of a “new friend”). I got up late and came downstairs to watch Disney Plus. I tried to call my sister, but that went straight to voicemail. Same for the kids’ mother. Same for mine. The kids didn’t know where their mothers were going other than “out,” and had no idea when they would get back. I ended up using one of the kid’s phones to call their paternal grandmother, and she came to pick them up. When my sister and her friend showed up six hours later, all hell broke loose. The friend freaked out that her kids were “missing,” and she was apparently in a custody dispute with her ex. My sister screamed at me, I screamed back, my niece saw everything, and my condition flared up. I had to be taken to the ER.

Since then I have refused to speak to my sister and have told everyone that if she tries a stunt like again, I am calling the cops on her. My mother is right in the middle—she claims my sister “overstepped,” but that I can’t “punish” my niece like this. She loves me and thinks I don’t love her. I can’t control that. I can’t control my sister or her pathological inability to plan ahead. I can’t control when my condition will flare up. I just can’t keep doing this. Help.

— Over It

charlotte989875

I have a lot of questions here but I’ll go with- calling the cops will only hurt your niece. If your sister does this again- don’t let her inside. If she literally drives off without her daughter, I don’t know- she’s a terrible mother and her kid knows that but also having an aunt call the police “on her” sucks too. 

If you live with your Mom and she’s involved she needs to be a part of this too. Does she allow the drop-offs to keep happening? Maybe you can’t live in that situation anymore if mom is unwilling to change. 

levioosa

Does LW have their own transportation available? I would literally leave if I saw sister pulling up. Take your study materials and go to the library or Starbucks or to the park. You are not obligated to watch not only your niece, but three other random kids. If your mom wants to, that’s her prerogative. The only caveat is, if you are living rent free in that house, something might have to give, and that something might be watching the niece as a trade-off. LW also has to face the reality that pushing back might mean she needs to find another place to live, and it doesn’t sound like financially that is a very viable option. 

mrsconn23

First of all, LW you're living off your mom (and dad).  Be careful with your glass houses and stones.  

Secondly, resolving this via the cops is not beneficial to anyone, most certainly your niece.  

LW you need to first talk to your mother since it's her home.  Then you may need to have a family meet with all three of you to come up with a better system.  Your niece needs to be taken care of, full stop, because she's the child here. 

If the situation doesn't change and remains untenable to your well-being, then you may need to change your place of residence. 

This letter has me feeling like everyone, besides niece, is a little bit (or a lot) wrong here. I also think nothing will happen to change anything and this will be a circular fight until something major happens (LW moves out, mom puts her foot down, sister finds a different arrangement for her life). I can think of a few families that exist at this level of dysfunction and the cycle is never-ending. 

levioosa

This letter makes me think of how FSIL B will be like this (not because she parties though) and how literally her parents, FI, and FSIL A have all told her preemptively that if she chooses to have kids, we’re not de-facto babysitters and she can’t just drop them off whenever she wants. 

banana468

LW seems to gloss over the situation where they aren't in the health to work but are OK to be a caretaker.  I'm not saying this to doubt LW but childcare isn't exactly easy so how is it that the family is OK with this as their "role"? 

The mom is an enabler of at least one of her children.  Sister is doing her child no favors. LW, what is your long term plan here?? 

MNNEBride

I agree there are a whole lot of issues to unpack here.

BUT....

In the most recent incident, the sister dropped 4 children at a home where the only adult present was sleeping.  The sleeping sister was not awakened and told the kids were there but she found out when she woke up and went downstairs.  Wow

LW needs to make a better life plan for herself.  SSI disability so they have funds to live on their own?  

banana468

MNNEBride said:

I agree there are a whole lot of issues to unpack here.

BUT....

In the most recent incident, the sister dropped 4 children at a home where the only adult present was sleeping.  The sleeping sister was not awakened and told the kids were there but she found out when she woke up and went downstairs.  Wow

LW needs to make a better life plan for herself.  SSI disability so they have funds to live on their own?  

That's why I'm wondering how this is transpiring.  Does the sis have a key?  Do they leave the house unlocked?  

LW does NOT have the support of their mother.  You cannot agree that someone is too disabled to work but also should be the caretaker of the sister.  I'm not sure exactly how many of the adult children here need some more rules/boundaries but it's at least one.

mrsconn23

banana468 said:

MNNEBride said:

I agree there are a whole lot of issues to unpack here.

BUT....

In the most recent incident, the sister dropped 4 children at a home where the only adult present was sleeping.  The sleeping sister was not awakened and told the kids were there but she found out when she woke up and went downstairs.  Wow

LW needs to make a better life plan for herself.  SSI disability so they have funds to live on their own?  

That's why I'm wondering how this is transpiring.  Does the sis have a key?  Do they leave the house unlocked?  

LW does NOT have the support of their mother.  You cannot agree that someone is too disabled to work but also should be the caretaker of the sister.  I'm not sure exactly how many of the adult children here need some more rules/boundaries but it's at least one.

I pretty much read this as sister has gotten so comfortable with this arrangement and has very little pushback from mom that she's not even giving a hint of courtesy.  I'm sure she's just telling her daughter to go in and make herself comfortable.  Plus probably not to bother LW under almost any circumstances.  It's completely egregious behavior and to drag another person's kids into this is a new level of awful. 

However, I can also see how LW's complaints fall on very deaf ears when they try to put their foot down with her sister.  Especially since mom is a total enabler and tells LW that she 'doesn't mind' and wants to be with her granddaughter.  To sister it just looks like LW trying to control the situation/arrangement that she's made with mom.  And how dare LW since they're a non-working freeloader squatting at mom's house and getting money from dad. 

I know it's none of my business and probably comes off as judgey, but I am curious to know what kind of condition LW. has.  How does LW not know what may make it 'flare up'?  It sounds like stress does, if things happened as LW describes and the screaming match was the cherry on top that sent them to the hospital. 

Also, "I woke up late and went downstairs to watch Disney Plus" is an absurd detail that made me roll my eyes and also told me everything I need to know about LW's maturity level.  Not that adults can't watch Disney Plus, but having it in there with everything else LW said puts a distinct picture of who they are in my mind. 

levioosa

@mrsconn23 I read the health issue as psychiatric in nature (completely guessing at this, to be sure). Like the stress and yelling was a trigger and she had a panic attack or something that constituted a psychiatric emergency. 

banana468

mrsconn23 said:

banana468 said:

MNNEBride said:

I agree there are a whole lot of issues to unpack here.

BUT....

In the most recent incident, the sister dropped 4 children at a home where the only adult present was sleeping.  The sleeping sister was not awakened and told the kids were there but she found out when she woke up and went downstairs.  Wow

LW needs to make a better life plan for herself.  SSI disability so they have funds to live on their own?  

That's why I'm wondering how this is transpiring.  Does the sis have a key?  Do they leave the house unlocked?  

LW does NOT have the support of their mother.  You cannot agree that someone is too disabled to work but also should be the caretaker of the sister.  I'm not sure exactly how many of the adult children here need some more rules/boundaries but it's at least one.

I pretty much read this as sister has gotten so comfortable with this arrangement and has very little pushback from mom that she's not even giving a hint of courtesy.  I'm sure she's just telling her daughter to go in and make herself comfortable.  Plus probably not to bother LW under almost any circumstances.  It's completely egregious behavior and to drag another person's kids into this is a new level of awful. 

However, I can also see how LW's complaints fall on very deaf ears when they try to put their foot down with her sister.  Especially since mom is a total enabler and tells LW that she 'doesn't mind' and wants to be with her granddaughter.  To sister it just looks like LW trying to control the situation/arrangement that she's made with mom.  And how dare LW since they're a non-working freeloader squatting at mom's house and getting money from dad. 

I know it's none of my business and probably comes off as judgey, but I am curious to know what kind of condition LW. has.  How does LW not know what may make it 'flare up'?  It sounds like stress does, if things happened as LW describes and the screaming match was the cherry on top that sent them to the hospital. 

Also, "I woke up late and went downstairs to watch Disney Plus" is an absurd detail that made me roll my eyes and also told me everything I need to know about LW's maturity level.  Not that adults can't watch Disney Plus, but having it in there with everything else LW said puts a distinct picture of who they are in my mind. 

I agree with everything you said.  

This reminds me of my mom telling me about her interaction with the parent of a student when the parent brought her alleged documentation of the parent's "7 minute stress level."  My mom reviewed this and thought, "Does this essentially mean that at any moment the mom's going to haul off and physically fight me and she's not responsible for her actions?" 

What is the condition here?  Why was there an ER visit and what was the treatment in the ER? 

And was the LW just that upset that she couldn't catch the latest episode of Book of Boba Fett that it had to be added?   

short+sassy

banana468 said:

MNNEBride said:

I agree there are a whole lot of issues to unpack here.

BUT....

In the most recent incident, the sister dropped 4 children at a home where the only adult present was sleeping.  The sleeping sister was not awakened and told the kids were there but she found out when she woke up and went downstairs.  Wow

LW needs to make a better life plan for herself.  SSI disability so they have funds to live on their own?  

That's why I'm wondering how this is transpiring.  Does the sis have a key?  Do they leave the house unlocked?  

LW does NOT have the support of their mother.  You cannot agree that someone is too disabled to work but also should be the caretaker of the sister.  I'm not sure exactly how many of the adult children here need some more rules/boundaries but it's at least one.

Yep!  I'm sure the sister has a key.  That's how all those kids were just dropped off at the house, with no one even knowing about it.

For all we know, the LW's sister didn't even check if her sister was home and just assumed she was.  That's what it sounded like to me.  Think about a scenario where the LW actually wasn't home.  And the sister just left young children in a house with no adults present.  That's an incredibly dangerous situation.

Or, considering the LW's condition, they suddenly need to go to the ER.  Like they did on that day.  I don't know what those protocols are for EMS, but I assume the police get called in for that kind of situation also, ie the only adult in a home needs emergency care, but there are children there.  Though I realize a major difference is no one would be in trouble for a situation like that.

I think the LW's best bet is to point out my second paragraph to the mother.  That the sister put her child in a dangerous situation because she didn't even know if the LW was there.  As such, it's time to change the locks on the door and the sister can no longer enter the house, dump her kid and everybody else's kid off, and then drive away without anyone knowing they are there.  And VERIFYING that the mom or LW CAN take care of the children.  

I see it's an UO, but I feel the LW has every right to call the police if something like this happens again and the LW wasn't asked to babysit and can't babysit.  And the mother isn't there either.  Then what else is she supposed to do?  I would ABSOLUTELY call the police if someone left their child with me, without my permission, and I needed to go to a doctor's appointment.  Or work/interview.  Or to catch a flight.  Or I was in bed sick with the flu.  Whatever.

ei34

LW's mom is enabling two adult children and it's hurting the niece

MyNameIsNot

short+sassy said:

banana468 said:

MNNEBride said:

I agree there are a whole lot of issues to unpack here.

BUT....

In the most recent incident, the sister dropped 4 children at a home where the only adult present was sleeping.  The sleeping sister was not awakened and told the kids were there but she found out when she woke up and went downstairs.  Wow

LW needs to make a better life plan for herself.  SSI disability so they have funds to live on their own?  

That's why I'm wondering how this is transpiring.  Does the sis have a key?  Do they leave the house unlocked?  

LW does NOT have the support of their mother.  You cannot agree that someone is too disabled to work but also should be the caretaker of the sister.  I'm not sure exactly how many of the adult children here need some more rules/boundaries but it's at least one.

Yep!  I'm sure the sister has a key.  That's how all those kids were just dropped off at the house, with no one even knowing about it.

For all we know, the LW's sister didn't even check if her sister was home and just assumed she was.  That's what it sounded like to me.  Think about a scenario where the LW actually wasn't home.  And the sister just left young children in a house with no adults present.  That's an incredibly dangerous situation.

Or, considering the LW's condition, they suddenly need to go to the ER.  Like they did on that day.  I don't know what those protocols are for EMS, but I assume the police get called in for that kind of situation also, ie the only adult in a home needs emergency care, but there are children there.  Though I realize a major difference is no one would be in trouble for a situation like that.

I think the LW's best bet is to point out my second paragraph to the mother.  That the sister put her child in a dangerous situation because she didn't even know if the LW was there.  As such, it's time to change the locks on the door and the sister can no longer enter the house, dump her kid and everybody else's kid off, and then drive away without anyone knowing they are there.  And VERIFYING that the mom or LW CAN take care of the children.  

I see it's an UO, but I feel the LW has every right to call the police if something like this happens again and the LW wasn't asked to babysit and can't babysit.  And the mother isn't there either.  Then what else is she supposed to do?  I would ABSOLUTELY call the police if someone left their child with me, without my permission, and I needed to go to a doctor's appointment.  Or work/interview.  Or to catch a flight.  Or I was in bed sick with the flu.  Whatever.

I'll UO with you here. Niece I would be on the fence, but if there were 3 children who I did not know dropped off at my house, and they could not reach their parents, I would 100% be calling authorities. What happens if one of those kids gets hurt or wonders off? I would not be willing to be responsible for any of that. 

Niece it would have to be a last resort after warning her mother, but it wouldn't be off the table. 

banana468

There's something off to me about calling the authorities in THIS instance but not necessarily in general.  I think the LW and the sister each think they hold all the cards and if the LW continues to push issues they're likely to not continue that living arrangement. 

STARMOON44

This is the price of the free housing. 

short+sassy

STARMOON44 said:

This is the price of the free housing. 

I agree the LW should help with babysitting when they are able to, since the mother is majorly helping them out.  Which I don't think the LW minds doing.  It seems like they are merely asking that the sister give some notice and make sure it's "okay" with either the mom or the LW,  for when she needs a babysitter.  This is a pretty basic courtesy, that the sister isn't even bothering with.  The sister is in the "ask for forgiveness, not permission" camp, which is a haphazard and potentially dangerous way to be parenting her child.

banana468

short+sassy said:

STARMOON44 said:

This is the price of the free housing. 

I agree the LW should help with babysitting when they are able to, since the mother is majorly helping them out.  Which I don't think the LW minds doing.  It seems like they are merely asking that the sister give some notice and make sure it's "okay" with either the mom or the LW,  for when she needs a babysitter.  This is a pretty basic courtesy, that the sister isn't even bothering with.  The sister is in the "ask for forgiveness, not permission" camp, which is a haphazard and potentially dangerous way to be parenting her child.

I think the sister is a problem too.   

But there's something not passing my smell test that the LW is attending community college and can't work (school is work!) and the LW is mad that their Disney Plus time was interrupted on the weekend which also implies LW was having a late Sat snooze in.

It reads to me like LW is a young college student with few responsibilities or accountability and (surprise surprise!) her sister isn't much different. 

STARMOON44

short+sassy said:

STARMOON44 said:

This is the price of the free housing. 

I agree the LW should help with babysitting when they are able to, since the mother is majorly helping them out.  Which I don't think the LW minds doing.  It seems like they are merely asking that the sister give some notice and make sure it's "okay" with either the mom or the LW,  for when she needs a babysitter.  This is a pretty basic courtesy, that the sister isn't even bothering with.  The sister is in the "ask for forgiveness, not permission" camp, which is a haphazard and potentially dangerous way to be parenting her child.

I don’t disagree but if mom won’t do anything about it and sister ignores it, this is the price of the free housing. 

banana468

STARMOON44 said:

short+sassy said:

STARMOON44 said:

This is the price of the free housing. 

I agree the LW should help with babysitting when they are able to, since the mother is majorly helping them out.  Which I don't think the LW minds doing.  It seems like they are merely asking that the sister give some notice and make sure it's "okay" with either the mom or the LW,  for when she needs a babysitter.  This is a pretty basic courtesy, that the sister isn't even bothering with.  The sister is in the "ask for forgiveness, not permission" camp, which is a haphazard and potentially dangerous way to be parenting her child.

I don’t disagree but if mom won’t do anything about it and sister ignores it, this is the price of the free housing. 

Not relinquishing Disney Plus?!

short+sassy

banana468 said:

short+sassy said:

STARMOON44 said:

This is the price of the free housing. 

I agree the LW should help with babysitting when they are able to, since the mother is majorly helping them out.  Which I don't think the LW minds doing.  It seems like they are merely asking that the sister give some notice and make sure it's "okay" with either the mom or the LW,  for when she needs a babysitter.  This is a pretty basic courtesy, that the sister isn't even bothering with.  The sister is in the "ask for forgiveness, not permission" camp, which is a haphazard and potentially dangerous way to be parenting her child.

I think the sister is a problem too.   

But there's something not passing my smell test that the LW is attending community college and can't work (school is work!) and the LW is mad that their Disney Plus time was interrupted on the weekend which also implies LW was having a late Sat snooze in.

It reads to me like LW is a young college student with few responsibilities or accountability and (surprise surprise!) her sister isn't much different. 

Probably a lot of that is true also.  But, to be fair, disabilities that affect someone's working ability can be a very wide range.

When I was in college, one of the women in my sorority was collecting SS Disability.  Her stomach had been permanently paralyzed from food poisoning.  At the time of her injury, she was working as a server.  She was not capable of working a job that had any physicality like that.  However, she was capable of working a more sedentary "office" type job.  Which is why she was in college.  So she would have an education that would lend itself to more of that kind of work.

(rant about my former friend):

I had another friend, though an older person, who was on SS Disability plus a long-term disability plan for decades.  I first knew her in her early 50s, but she'd been disabled since her early 30s.  It was a bit of a disgusting look into how this system works.  She didn't even know exactly why she was on disability.  But she "thought" it was because of her high blood pressure.  Don't get me wrong, she was in poor health.  But she could absolutely do non-physical office type work.  And DID!  For almost one year, she worked a heavy part-time office job for Bobby Jindal's campaign for governor.  Because she loved that uber-Republican guy and everything he stood for.

Which, of course, was ironic because he did become governor and gutted all the social programs he could.  Like Medicaid.  Granted, my friend was on Medicare (not Medicaid).  But still.  I thought she was shitty to be so heavily endorsing someone that was going to pull the rug out from other disabled people.  She was also fortunate that she had inherited her aunt's house, free and clear, as a young woman.  So she would put her finger out to block the sun and pretend that most people with public housing/vouchers weren't the elderly and the disabled (though it IS the majority).  It's all those lazy single mothers who don't work (not her words exactly, but her attitude).  More irony because she doesn't work and could. 

And then she quit before a full 12 months was up because that's the cutoff for how long people on disability are allowed to work, before they're dropped from the program and would need to go through the whole process again.

banana468

My point is that the LW is all over the place.  She's on disability, she gets money from her dad, she goes to community college, she can't handle stress but she's also upset that her TV time was ruined.  

I'm sure she has issues, but I think she's also needing to figure out how to cope with the constant things that life throws at her.  

mrsconn23

banana468 said:

My point is that the LW is all over the place.  She's on disability, she gets money from her dad, she goes to community college, she can't handle stress but she's also upset that her TV time was ruined.  

I'm sure she has issues, but I think she's also needing to figure out how to cope with the constant things that life throws at her.  

Yes, because today's surprise niece sitting  (and ruined TV time..all the eyerolls) is tomorrow's backed-up sump pump, busted furnace, flat tire, ::insert random shitty life surprise::. 

banana468

mrsconn23 said:

banana468 said:

My point is that the LW is all over the place.  She's on disability, she gets money from her dad, she goes to community college, she can't handle stress but she's also upset that her TV time was ruined.  

I'm sure she has issues, but I think she's also needing to figure out how to cope with the constant things that life throws at her.  

Yes, because today's surprise niece sitting  (and ruined TV time..all the eyerolls) is tomorrow's backed-up sump pump, busted furnace, flat tire, ::insert random shitty life surprise::. 

Right?!? 

Today's bad weather reminds me of how 3 years ago I got stuck on a hill in the snow for an hour and couldn't get my kids from the daycare I could nearly walk to.  My FIL got the kids and then I moved my car to the parking lot behind a bar because I knew I wasn't going to get home.  In addition to not moving, I blocked traffic on one of the biggest roads in town. It also cost me an extra $100 at the daycare due to them staying open after hours.   That's just...crap luck hoping the all seasons could grip the snow and they couldn't.  

I'm working on this with my middle schooler now.  But she's 11 and understanding that  middle school students can be dicks and you need to keep your head down and move on is part of adolescence.  It seems like LW is still there down to "Sister's interfering with my show!"