Daughter has a right to know

Casadena

My late wife was adopted, and the circumstances were not happy (her birth mother was 13, for a start). She discovered the information early in our marriage, and it shook her up. Even with counseling, it took nine years before she was comfortable having children. Her adoptive parents died when our kids were young, and my wife was an only child, so there is a void on the maternal side. It was made even deeper when my wife died from breast cancer when our children were in high school. I miss her every day. My wife requested that the past stayed buried; she didn’t want to give our children the same horrors she discovered. 

My problem is my 20-year-old daughter is extremely curious about her mother’s biological origins (not my wife’s actual parents). Her coloring is dark, and she is often mistaken for other nationalities. Her friends have encouraged her to dig deeper because they have done ancestry tests themselves and been happily surprised.

I kept the truth from my kids, and I have told my daughter that her mother never wanted to look into her past and she should respect her wishes. My daughter got mad and told me she had a God given right to know her roots. I told her I would pay for genetic counseling if she was worried about carrying certain hereditary factors, but otherwise to stop this. I think I only fan the flames. What should I do? My daughter is stubborn but a sensitive soul. I don’t want to see her suffer like my wife did. Help

levioosa

This is so sad. Daughter does have a right to know and it’s not like she couldn’t find out eventually via other avenues. 

I also hope she has gotten BRCA testing if her mother died so young from breast CA. Genetic testing is not the worst idea. 

Casadena

Also, daughter is an adult, so dad doesn't really have any standing anymore to tell her what she can and can't research on her own time/dime.  

mrsconn23

Ugh, I feel for everyone here.  I understand why LW feels this way and wants desperately to honor his late wife's wishes. 

But his daughter's mother died of a disease that could be hereditary.  Also daughter is 'removed' in a sense from her mother's origin story since it didn't happen to her, so it may not actually impact her the way LW thinks it will.  Also, LW doesn't have to give daughter the nitty-gritty.  "Your mom was born to a very young teenager and was adopted into a loving home."   Plus, daughter is an adult.  So there's no 'stopping' her, but your lack of support could really impact your relationship with her. 

Also, grief counseling all around. 

charlotte989875

You honored your wife’s request as long as you could, but it’s clearly causing pain for your daughter. Forbidding her to talk about her own genetic history is wrong. And she can find out other ways but it’s going to be better if you’re involved. 

MissKittyDanger

I believe there's genetic testing that can be done.
My mum doesn't know her bio dad but wants to know medical history.

Could LW's daughter maybe even talk to a doctor about that? There's got to be ways to know.

banana468

I wonder if 23 and Me and other genetic testing sites were not nearly as popular when the wife was battling her illness.  Years ago this could be something that was kept under wraps but I do think now that the daughter herself can buy a kit for a couple hundred dollars this is one of those times that you respected the wife's wishes long enough but you now need to prepare the living.