Do you love your wife or the idea of kids more?

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I’m an early forties male married for a little over a year now (first marriage). I’ve always wanted children and to be a father. My wife (second marriage, no kids) stated she’d be willing to have one before we got married, but now I can’t bring the topic up without it overwhelming her. Having a family is a priority to me, a foundational belief. My wife has many concerns (job/career, her pets, our small home, her physical health, her age; mainly she doesn’t like change).

When I try to discuss the many concerns, there’s always another excuse. I’ve suggested adoption, but even that scares her. I could be wrong, but it ultimately seems that my wife doesn’t have the mental capacity or fortitude sufficient to have a child. I feel stuck. I love my wife, but my life would also feel incomplete without a child. She says she’s not “ready”—but how long do I give her to feel “ready” before we’re both too old, and I’m forced to accept a childless existence? Am I horrible for considering divorce if she continues to avoid the topic, or ultimately refuses? I realize marriage isn’t just about my needs, and I’m sure to come off as selfish to some, and that happiness and fulfillment are not only realized through having children. I’m just seeking some advice for my plight. Thanks in advance.

— Unmet Expectations

banana468

You need to be clear here with what may be a dealbreaker.  

Something is off here with the wife and a bigger conversation is likely needed. 

levioosa

Ew. “ I could be wrong, but it ultimately seems that my wife doesn’t have the mental capacity or fortitude sufficient to have a child.”

That statement tells me a whole lot about LW. 

mrsconn23

I don't love the tone of this LW.  It's putting me off. It's coming off like he married his wife for her to be his baby vessel.  I know, I know...if the letter was from a female perspective it may strike me differently.  So my bias may be talking. 

But that said, your wife is seemingly having some sort of issue. It may be mental health or it may be she's changed her mind and doesn't know how to tell you that she's no longer interested in parenthood.  

LW, if you really want to be a parent more than anything, divorce her and find a surrogate to pay to have your child.  That's what you want more than being married to someone, IMO. 

mrsconn23

wrong post, LOL 

banana468

I agree the LW can also seem controlling.  I've seen it on the other side though too.  Woman makes it clear that she wants a child, made it known before the wedding and suddenly there's a major issue about having the baby for X, Y and Z reasons.  LW needs to peel back the layers of the onion and figure out why there is a change of mind and also figure out what is more important. 

charlotte989875

How about some marriage counseling where you two can talk this out with a professional?

You can’t force your wife to want to have a baby. Now or in the future. If it’s a dealbreaker you need to be clear about that. If something is going on with your wife help create a space where she can talk to you about instead of assuming she’s unwell & plan to divorce her. 

climbingsingle

I agree that LW's writing is off-putting. She said she'd be willing to have a kid? Willing? Or that she WANTED to. There's a big difference there, and honestly I wonder if she even said it like that. Maybe she said she'd be willing to consider it. 

Either way, this LW rubs me the wrong way. 

MyNameIsNot

levioosa said:

Ew. “ I could be wrong, but it ultimately seems that my wife doesn’t have the mental capacity or fortitude sufficient to have a child.”

That statement tells me a whole lot about LW. 

This jumped out at me too. I kind of wonder if the wife figured out that LW is a dick and is considering whether she wants to be bound to him or thinks that he's going to expect her to do everything. 

Counselling, I guess. 

short+sassy

I'm annoyed that this letter mentions his age, but not hers.  Because that's a pretty major factor in my advice.  If she's his age or even in her late 30s, they are running out of or are possibly out of time.  Then again, he also said he doesn't mind adopting, but we don't know her thoughts on that.

Unfortunately, I feel like this relationship was a mismatch from the start.  I don't think she ever especially wanted children, but (I'm guessing) talked herself into being open to it because they were in love.  Or lied to him about it.  But now she has discovered she really doesn't want to.  If she is too overwhelmed to even talk about it, I think it's time he cuts bait and run.

The only other possible option is if they agree to go to counseling.  Maybe she will be more apt to analyze and talk about her feelings, under the structure of a therapist.

Because the clock is ticking for him also.  Maybe not biologically.  But most people date someone around their own age, so he's less likely to find women of child bearing age who want to date someone 10-20 years older than they are.  Plus, the older he gets, the less energy he will have to chase toddlers.

Seriously, though.  Why do people even put themselves in this position?  If people want kids or not, that usually comes up within the first few dates.  If I'm a "definitely not" or even a "maybe, I dunno" (while making a face) and he's a "definitely yes, it's the foundation of my being", then that should be an automatic 'time to move on' for both people.

I realize it can sometimes happen anyway, like if both people are on the fence and end up on opposite sides, in the future.  Or one person changes their mind.  Or, even worse, lies about it from the beginning.  But a lot of these situations can be avoided from the beginning if people just use a little common sense.  Because the child question is a good example that, contrary to popular belief, love does NOT conquer all.

MyNameIsNot

short+sassy said:

I'm annoyed that this letter mentions his age, but not hers.  Because that's a pretty major factor in my advice.  If she's his age or even in her late 30s, they are running out of or are possibly out of time.  Then again, he also said he doesn't mind adopting, but we don't know her thoughts on that.

Unfortunately, I feel like this relationship was a mismatch from the start.  I don't think she ever especially wanted children, but (I'm guessing) talked herself into being open to it because they were in love.  Or lied to him about it.  But now she has discovered she really doesn't want to.  If she is too overwhelmed to even talk about it, I think it's time he cuts bait and run.

The only other possible option is if they agree to go to counseling.  Maybe she will be more apt to analyze and talk about her feelings, under the structure of a therapist.

Because the clock is ticking for him also.  Maybe not biologically.  But most people date someone around their own age, so he's less likely to find women of child bearing age who want to date someone 10-20 years older than they are.  Plus, the older he gets, the less energy he will have to chase toddlers.

Seriously, though.  Why do people even put themselves in this position?  If people want kids or not, that usually comes up within the first few dates.  If I'm a "definitely not" or even a "maybe, I dunno" (while making a face) and he's a "definitely yes, it's the foundation of my being", then that should be an automatic 'time to move on' for both people.

I realize it can sometimes happen anyway, like if both people are on the fence and end up on opposite sides, in the future.  Or one person changes their mind.  Or, even worse, lies about it from the beginning.  But a lot of these situations can be avoided from the beginning if people just use a little common sense.  Because the child question is a good example that, contrary to popular belief, love does NOT conquer all.

I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt and assuming she does want kids, or is at least open to them. But look at the timing. He said they've been married for a little over a year and she's not saying no; she's saying she's not ready. I totally get why someone would want to hold off a bit before having kids right now. The whole world is a shit show and we're just kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

I totally agree that leaving out her age is odd. The whole equation is completely different if she's 25 versus 45. 

short+sassy

MyNameIsNot said:

short+sassy said:

I'm annoyed that this letter mentions his age, but not hers.  Because that's a pretty major factor in my advice.  If she's his age or even in her late 30s, they are running out of or are possibly out of time.  Then again, he also said he doesn't mind adopting, but we don't know her thoughts on that.

Unfortunately, I feel like this relationship was a mismatch from the start.  I don't think she ever especially wanted children, but (I'm guessing) talked herself into being open to it because they were in love.  Or lied to him about it.  But now she has discovered she really doesn't want to.  If she is too overwhelmed to even talk about it, I think it's time he cuts bait and run.

The only other possible option is if they agree to go to counseling.  Maybe she will be more apt to analyze and talk about her feelings, under the structure of a therapist.

Because the clock is ticking for him also.  Maybe not biologically.  But most people date someone around their own age, so he's less likely to find women of child bearing age who want to date someone 10-20 years older than they are.  Plus, the older he gets, the less energy he will have to chase toddlers.

Seriously, though.  Why do people even put themselves in this position?  If people want kids or not, that usually comes up within the first few dates.  If I'm a "definitely not" or even a "maybe, I dunno" (while making a face) and he's a "definitely yes, it's the foundation of my being", then that should be an automatic 'time to move on' for both people.

I realize it can sometimes happen anyway, like if both people are on the fence and end up on opposite sides, in the future.  Or one person changes their mind.  Or, even worse, lies about it from the beginning.  But a lot of these situations can be avoided from the beginning if people just use a little common sense.  Because the child question is a good example that, contrary to popular belief, love does NOT conquer all.

I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt and assuming she does want kids, or is at least open to them. But look at the timing. He said they've been married for a little over a year and she's not saying no; she's saying she's not ready. I totally get why someone would want to hold off a bit before having kids right now. The whole world is a shit show and we're just kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop. 

I totally agree that leaving out her age is odd. The whole equation is completely different if she's 25 versus 45. 

For me, it's not so much that she says she isn't ready yet.  And they may not have the time to be waiting for the "perfect" time.  It's the fact that it sounds like he can't even bring it up without it overwhelming her.

That could possibly be because he's bombarded her so much with questions that she's not willing to discuss it anymore.  Or it could be she's never been willing to discuss it after they got married.  Or somewhere in between.  That would also color if one person is being more unreasonable than the other.

She also has a lot of excuses and some of them won't change or get better in the future, which is why it seems to me like she changed her mind.  Two of them are "age" and "health".  Age is the one hint that led me to believe she's closer to his age.  Age does not get better with time.  Health, depending on the condition, usually doesn't either. 

Though now I'm thinking, what if it's the other side of the coin with age?  Maybe she's using her age as an excuse like, "Dude, I'm only 25.  We have plenty of time."  Which then sounds a little more reasonable.

charlotte989875

Honestly I feel for the wife. Having a baby in a pandemic is really effing hard. I know a baby anytime is hard, but the world is hard. Mask mandates are being dropped everywhere but your newborn (or hell 18 month old) kid can’t be vaccinated or wear a mask. It’s terrifying having a child have covid and yes babies and kids can and do get very sick. I get not wanting to have a kid now! 

I know these 2 years have been hard for everyone. But having gone through pregnancy and a newborn in a pandemic I do not fault anyone for saying now is not the time. There’s no perfect time but a pandemic sure does make it less than ideal.