Yes, leave him. But you can't control how it will make him feel.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

My husband “Ken” and I got married when we were 27. We’d been dating for three years and built a life around the activities we loved doing—hiking, cycling, cross-country skiing, and many other active pursuits.

Four years into our marriage, Ken was diagnosed with a chronic, incurable condition which flares up with no warning and is only somewhat controllable. He will deal with this for the rest of his life. The illness has made Ken into a different person. He can barely walk or lie in bed comfortably, much less go for a hike or engage in any of the activities that brought us so much joy in the past. Though the illness has no biological impact on his brain, Ken’s mental health has (understandably) completely fallen apart. He is depressed, angry, and verbally abusive to me. We are no longer in love. I am a caregiver at best and a verbal punching bag at worst.

I would like to leave Ken. I’ve brought this up with a few close friends and family members, nearly 100 percent of whom have had the same horrified, aghast reaction. They mention our wedding vows (“in sickness and in health”) and Ken’s increasing physical caregiving needs. Conceptually, I see where they’re coming from, but I don’t want to spend the rest of my life being a verbal punching bag for someone who seems like he hates me.

Would I be a monster for leaving Ken? Is there any way to do this in a manner that causes the least amount of pain possible for him? I do still care about him and don’t want to be cruel.

— Am I a Monster 

banana468

I'm torn on this.  Is Ken not rational at all? If there's no amount of therapy that can help him then I absolutely see that LW needs to do what is needed here.  There's also a big part of me wondering if Ken also needs therapy and medication for what is likely a major depression.

You should not stay in a situation that is abusive.  The question is whether or not Ken wants to change the toll that his behavior is taking on LW.  If there will be no change then she needs to get out.  

levioosa

Not being able to do all of the same fun things is one thing. Being subject to verbal abuse is another. He also took vows to love and respect and care (emotionally as well as physically) for you. If he won’t put in the work in for his mental health (and yes, I know exactly how incredibly debilitating a change like he’s experienced can be) then you’re not obligated to stay. Chronic pain doesn’t give someone a free pass to be abusive and hurtful to others. 

charlotte989875

He is verbally abusive & it’s a possibility that can become physical abuse as well. You do not have to stay with anyone is abusive. Ever. Pain, health, circumstance is never an excuse for abuse. 

short+sassy

levioosa said:

Not being able to do all of the same fun things is one thing. Being subject to verbal abuse is another. He also took vows to love and respect and care (emotionally as well as physically) for you. If he won’t put in the work in for his mental health (and yes, I know exactly how incredibly debilitating a change like he’s experienced can be) then you’re not obligated to stay. Chronic pain doesn’t give someone a free pass to be abusive and hurtful to others. 

This is exactly where I am.  

I would give some leeway to my partner, especially in the beginning, if they sometimes took their bitterness and depression out on me.  But a disability isn't a "free pass" to treat other people, especially their SO, like trash.  If they both aren't already going to counseling, they need to be.  Either together, individually, and/or both.

I realize the LW already feels past the point of no return and, if counseling has already been tried and he is still verbally abusive, the LW has no obligation to stay.  But if they haven't, I think the right thing to do is to at least give counseling a try first.  Maybe the H doesn't fully realize what he has been doing.  Maybe he does, but needs better help in controlling his anger/depression/emotions.  I normally wouldn't give this much slack to someone being verbally abusive.  But their lives were devastated and I don't think many people could come back from that emotionally, without professional help.