Oh LW, this sucks...but there's not much you can do.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I am the youngest child of three children by 15 years, and am the only child still living with our parents. Six months ago, my parents decided to move me across the country two weeks into my middle school year. In return they promised that we would visit our hometown for my birthday in January. Recently, my sister got engaged to her longtime boyfriend and is now planning an engagement party for late February (her birthday). When asked if there was any way she could accommodate our trip schedule she refused and said she wanted it on her birthday so it would be “extra special.” We cannot afford nor does my family have time to visit twice. Knowing this, she now expects us to cancel my birthday trip so we can visit her. She knows how important this trip is to me and yet expects me to be happy to cancel it for her. Prudie, I was moved from the only home I have ever known. I’ve had endless days of tears after being alone at lunch or ignored by “friends,” and this has been the thing I have been looking forward to. I know if it comes down to it my parents will choose her over me. What can I do?

— Betrayed

banana468

LW, you can celebrate your birthday 4 weeks later.   You can be rightfully irritated that your sister is hijacking your plans.  That said, you're still going to the place you wanted to go and the friends will still be there.  So instead of lamenting that somehow all of this is terrible, know that your enjoyment is postponed by all of four weeks.

mrsconn23

I moved from 300 miles away to here between my Freshman and Sophomore year of HS.  I understand this LW's impotent rage and petulance over something like this. 

LW cannot conceptualize adult decisions and the need to travel strategically because of time, money, and logistics.  I just want to give them a hug.  They aren't going to be rational about this. 

But they literally have no say.  It sucks and it's frustrating.  Hopefully growing up will provide them with perspective. 

That said, sister doesn't need to be a dick and should be a little more understanding of the upheaval this has caused to LW.  She is the adult here and is living (I assume) in the area where LW has been uprooted from. 

banana468

The way I'm interpreting the concept of visiting twice makes me think it's the same location.

And I feel for the LW but as the mom of an 11 yo smack dab who has zero problems telling me how horrible I am I'm seeing this as Chiquita talking and she doesn't "get" it but the stompy tirade isn't going to get her far.  

The sister doesn't seem to be a picnic either and I think her move was also pretty selfish but if this is going to be a bigger family event then the parents are going to have to pick the life changing event vs. the annual one.   

charlotte989875

This sucks for LW, but it’s what happens sometimes. Celebrate your birthday, and your sister, in February. It’s a huge bummer and it’s okay to feel sad. 

What you can do? Think about what might make the trip special for you (a favorite restaurant or place to go, a day out with a friend) and ask if you parents can do that. 

short+sassy

I definitely see both sides.  How old is the sister?  I'm guessing old enough she doesn't need to be making such a big ass deal about her birthday, especially since the main purpose of the party is her engagement anyway.  I'm of the strong opinion that the sister knows her sibling is going through a hard time and should have just planned the engagement party when the rest of her family was planning to be in town.

But, at the same time, I also don't think it's a big deal for the younger sibling to postpone their birthday by only one month.  It will be exactly the same trip and the same fun and the same seeing their old friends.  Just not during their actual birthday month.

As for the parents, I'm 100% on their side.  I'm sure they are sorry they are disappointing their youngest child.  I hope they at least tried to talk their daughter into moving the engagement party closer to the LW's birthday.  But, if there was no compromise, it makes sense they chose to prioritize the engagement party.  That hopefully only happens once, per child.  Birthdays happen every year.

If the LW is wily, they should use this guilt opportunity to get a PS5 or some other especially luxurious present, lol.

banana468

short+sassy said:

I definitely see both sides.  How old is the sister?  I'm guessing old enough she doesn't need to be making such a big ass deal about her birthday, especially since the main purpose of the party is her engagement anyway.  I'm of the strong opinion that the sister knows her sibling is going through a hard time and should have just planned the engagement party when the rest of her family was planning to be in town.

But, at the same time, I also don't think it's a big deal for the younger sibling to postpone their birthday by only one month.  It will be exactly the same trip and the same fun and the same seeing their old friends.  Just not during their actual birthday month.

As for the parents, I'm 100% on their side.  I'm sure they are sorry they are disappointing their youngest child.  I hope they at least tried to talk their daughter into moving the engagement party closer to the LW's birthday.  But, if there was no compromise, it makes sense they chose to prioritize the engagement party.  That hopefully only happens once, per child.  Birthdays happen every year.

If the LW is wily, they should use this guilt opportunity to get a PS5 or some other especially luxurious present, lol.

I think the LW needs to put this in the bank and announce her upcoming engagement, college acceptance or pregnancy on her sister's birthday.

VarunaTT

I'm the unpopular opinion, b/c I think parents should tell older sister that they can't make the party due to previous plans.  It sounds like this trip back home was planned for ages.  Parents made a promise to this child, and it is an important one to this LW, and I don't think they should break it.  There are probably arrangements made with the people LW wants to see, things that have been planned, people made scheduled events, etc for people that sound like they can't drive, so are dependent on other's schedules for them to see LW.  Both children are wanting to "be special", but Miss Bride to be, is already going to be special b/c she's engaged.  She gets the whole time of her engagement, then into the wedding to be special and this just feels incredibly entitled.  Engagement parties are not necessary or demanded attendance events.

LW is feeling terribly let down by their parents already, I don't think parents should change their plans and make that feeling even stronger.

mrsconn23

I don't think your opinion is wrong @VarunaTT.  LW is not out of line for being very upset.  I also think older sis is being a massive brat and parents are allowing it.  They could step in and say, "We told LW we're coming back for their bday, so either have your party when we're in town or we'll be unable to attend."  

However, I am super curious about the family dynamics here.  DH's cousin married a woman who's family is in a similar circumstance (her younger sister is late HS or early college at this point, cousin's wife is in her 30's and older sis is late 30's/early 40's...they both have 2 kids and the older sis is divorced).  There's definitely push/pull between cousin's younger sister and her and their older sister.  So it just makes me wonder if there is a perception at play that LW has gotten 'everything' and doted on more than the older siblings.  Typically in those scenarios, you have more time and resources to spend on a youngest child that comes along much later than the ones you had earlier in life, your relationship, career, etc. 

Hell, it's true in my family.  We were so young when the kiddo was growing up.  We made all our mistakes on him (ha, kidding.  But YKWIM?).  We have way more resources and because we're so established in our careers, we have a lot more time for DefConn.  

So anyway, if this is the first kid getting married...there may be internal pressure (or outward pressure in tandem) to do all the things.  Even though we all know that there can be an excessive amount of celebrating a couple during the engagement period. 

banana468

VarunaTT said:

I'm the unpopular opinion, b/c I think parents should tell older sister that they can't make the party due to previous plans.  It sounds like this trip back home was planned for ages.  Parents made a promise to this child, and it is an important one to this LW, and I don't think they should break it.  There are probably arrangements made with the people LW wants to see, things that have been planned, people made scheduled events, etc for people that sound like they can't drive, so are dependent on other's schedules for them to see LW.  Both children are wanting to "be special", but Miss Bride to be, is already going to be special b/c she's engaged.  She gets the whole time of her engagement, then into the wedding to be special and this just feels incredibly entitled.  Engagement parties are not necessary or demanded attendance events.

LW is feeling terribly let down by their parents already, I don't think parents should change their plans and make that feeling even stronger.

The only reason why I think that may not work is if the engagement party was a larger event for extended family.  And if that would be the only opportunity for the adults to get together I can see why they would go to the e-party.

It absolutely sucks and it's super rude of the bride to be.  IMO the way to handle it is to
-Make it very clear to the bride to be that they see through the plans and are attending because of the scale event but are not pleased at her uncompromising nature and it's been noticed and will not be rewarded in future wedding planning or events.
-LW needs to be gracious and parents need to reward her for her flexibility.  She's no more than 14.  It sucks at the MS level but she has an opportunity here to be the one giving her parents less grief.

flantastic

I agree, Varuna. Maybe it's because I don't give a shit about engagement parties, but if I were the parents I would give priority to the kid who is hurting, because an extra month can feel like a lifetime at that age. I would tell sister if she wants to have the party on her birthday, to have fun, but we won't be able to make it.

That said, I think the LW's well being should not revolve around this, and the parents also need to figure out how they can help LW get acclimated to their new home.

mrsconn23

flantastic said:

I agree, Varuna. Maybe it's because I don't give a shit about engagement parties, but if I were the parents I would give priority to the kid who is hurting, because an extra month can feel like a lifetime at that age. I would tell sister if she wants to have the party on her birthday, to have fun, but we won't be able to make it.

That said, I think the LW's well being should not revolve around this, and the parents also need to figure out how they can help LW get acclimated to their new home.

Agreed, but I think it's the LW's age. The world ends weekly over inconsequential shit in the preteen/teen years, LOL.  But seriously, I get LW's loneliness and that they pinned ton of hope on the bday trip and something feeling 'normal' to them.  

VarunaTT

I think the other thing here for me, is I just feel like the sister is going to make sure that weekend is aaallll about her and LW will be pushed aside again and get nothing that weekend.  So, LW is doubly screwed, with parent's full knowledge and support.  I don't necessarily think that's true, but it sure is going to look and feel like it to LW.  LW doesn't seem like a bad kid, b/c they do feel caught in the middle (which they are) and are trying to suss out the "right" way, when the adults around them are being the fickle ones.