You don't get to control her reaction.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

I’m 30 years old and come from a family of origin that has had some … issues to say the least. My parents divorced when I was a teenager and after rocky starts to both their single lives both found new spouses I felt I was lucky to have as stepparents. However, my stepmother’s behavior as of late is becoming a bit problematic, including gossip, drama, and triangulation, all fueled by drinking. As building healthy boundaries is something I’ve been working on, I called ALL my parents out on their toxic behavior recently (related to a specific issue—not just out of the blue). All the other parents accepted what I had to say and moved on, but since then my stepmom has totally stopped talking to me. She thinks I’m mad at her, which I wasn’t, but now as Christmas and my birthday have blown by without hearing from her, I am getting kinda mad. Should I allow a toxic person to just slip right on out of my life if she reacts this way to boundaries? Or should I go back in with a new boundary/feelings talk—knowing it may make things worse?

— Ghosted by Stepmom

VarunaTT

You made your choice and she has made hers.  It can hurt, but if you back out on this boundary, you're just making everyone miserable.

mrsconn23

LW it sounds like you're in therapy, or at least have done some behavioral research, therefore you should discuss your frustrations with your therapist or google how to manage boundaries and your own expectations.  I bet you'll find out that you get to have your boundaries even if if means your relationship with your stepmom suffers or you drop your boundaries and then you invite the things back into your life that you didn't want.  Unfortunately, there's nothing you can say or do that will make her understand or respect your boundaries if she doesn't feel they're valid or that she's done anything wrong. 

Andplusalso, you seem to be putting a lot out there on other people about their behavior as it relates to you.  However, are you doing any work on how your behavior relates to them?  Just sayin'... 

banana468

LW, you made a choice to tell someone about the boundaries you need. 

Take a look at yourself and consider how you approached your stepmother.  Were you rude in your delivery?  Was there anything offensive about it or was it stating the need that you needed a boundary and you drew attention to something that was an issue?  

In addition, can you talk to the parent married to your stepmother and ask them how things are?  You can continue to have your boundaries as needed while attempting to understand from the parent speaking to you what their side may be.  

Do not sacrifice who you are for this.  

charlotte989875

You can’t control whether someone slips out of your life- she’s made it clear at this point she’s not interested in a relationship. That is on her. Going back now and trying to accommodate her is taking her actions and making them your responsibility. They are not. 

If you stand by what you said and did, then you need to accept this is how she reacted at let it be. If she comes back and wants to talk you can decide from there is and what terms you’re willing to let her back into your life.