They're not your friends. You're their unpaid babysitter.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

Since moving home after a job loss, I have been trying to rebuild my social circle. Most of my new colleagues are either much older or younger than me, and I am not religious, so I have been trying to reach out to my old high school friends. “Mary” and “Cathy” are both single mothers, but have started to come out on regular runs with me. We all were on the track team together. At first, they were very welcoming to me, but now I feel I am being taken advantage of.

My work schedule is set very early so I am free most afternoons and early evenings. I also am pretty good with kids. Mary and Cathy constantly have childcare emergencies where they are running late or need to run errands so would I “mind” watching their kids. The kids are collectively old enough to entertain with a movie, but not old enough to be left in charge of their younger siblings (think 10 with three younger siblings). Mary and Cathy promise to be only out for a “little bit”—they need to run to the grocery store for milk, but are gone three hours or more.

One Saturday, Cathy just needed to pick up her car from the mechanic and was gone for six hours. She came back with her hair and nails done. We had a serious fight. I felt used and abused, and Cathy ripped into me for being selfish and taking out my struggles on a single mom. I talked to Mary, and she told me I was being a bean counter. It isn’t like I had other plans going on right now.

I will admit to backing down because Mary and Cathy are the best friends I can find here. My other options are teenagers getting drunk and high behind the local barn or minor religious zealots who want to marry me off for a dozen goats. (I have been told I have good child bearing hips and it would be a waste not to use them. To my face.) Since the fight, I have ticked down on the childcare by offering to run the errands for Cathy and Mary. If they need groceries, I offer to pick them up or drop off packages or do anything but watch the kids. I thought it would deflect, but it as just pissing them off. I don’t know what to do. 90 percent of my interactions with Cathy and Mary are great, but the disappearing for hours on a grocery run and not answering the phone while I stay with the kids kills me.

— Childcare No

banana468

Staying "friends" with these people has all the benefit for them and zero for you.  They're using you and not being honest and gaslighting you when you put them on the defensive.

Use social media to your advantage here.  It's highly unlikely that your area is only filled with jerks and there must be ways that you can reach out and meet new people and cut these users loose. 

downtondiva

They are using you, and they probably think they can keep using you because they sense your loneliness and your belief that they're the only game in town. Funny that you say they are high school friends, because this whole thing reeks of high school. 

Get on social media and find new friends in and beyond your area. Yes, you may never meet the friends who don't live close by, but they can still be a positive addition to your life. As for your town, how big is it and are there any avenues for meeting other people who aren't religious? 

Also, I don't know where in the country you live, but are there any towns/cities nearby where you can join a hobby-related or some other social group that isn't religious in nature? I guess what I'm trying to say is expand your horizons a little if you can, so even if you don't find a new BFF, you at least have other people and things in your life that are fulfilling, and you can distance yourself from Cathy and Mary for good.

climbingsingle

These women are not your friends and they are using you. Figure out new ways to meet new people. 

ei34

The descriptions of town are weird.  I'd be working towards leaving again, but in the meantime I wouldn't be "friends" with Mary and Cathy.  I'd rather not have friends than deal with them.

short+sassy

I know the LW said that 90% of her interactions with these two are positive ones.  But reasonable and good people don't behave like they are entitled to someone else's time or money because "wah, wah, my life is so hard".

As for an "emergency" like running to the store for milk, are children not allowed in grocery stores anymore?  Because, gosh, I'd swear they are.

downtondiva

short+sassy said:

I know the LW said that 90% of her interactions with these two are positive ones.  But reasonable and good people don't behave like they are entitled to someone else's time or money because "wah, wah, my life is so hard".

As for an "emergency" like running to the store for milk, are children not allowed in grocery stores anymore?  Because, gosh, I'd swear they are.

Yeah, I thought that was weird too! I went along on errands with my mom all the time when I was a kid, until I was old enough to stay home on my own.

charlotte989875

They want a babysitter but they’re not willing to ask you directly, or hire one if you say no, so they make up emergencies. They’re taking advantage of you and instead of hearing you when you say this isn’t working they’re blaming you for the situation. 

These aren’t your friends because they’re not considering you at all here. And they’ve said they’re not about to start. 

banana468

short+sassy said:

I know the LW said that 90% of her interactions with these two are positive ones.  But reasonable and good people don't behave like they are entitled to someone else's time or money because "wah, wah, my life is so hard".

As for an "emergency" like running to the store for milk, are children not allowed in grocery stores anymore?  Because, gosh, I'd swear they are.

Yup.  They totally are and it sucks to shop with them but you don't use free childcare for a grocery trip.

(This is also why DH does most of the grocery shopping which he can do on his way home from work and I'm home with the rugrats). 

climbingsingle

downtondiva said:

short+sassy said:

I know the LW said that 90% of her interactions with these two are positive ones.  But reasonable and good people don't behave like they are entitled to someone else's time or money because "wah, wah, my life is so hard".

As for an "emergency" like running to the store for milk, are children not allowed in grocery stores anymore?  Because, gosh, I'd swear they are.

Yeah, I thought that was weird too! I went along on errands with my mom all the time when I was a kid, until I was old enough to stay home on my own.

Same. Every weekend I was with my mom running errands. Grocery shopping, oil changes, post office, trips to the mall. Which makes it even more shady that they're dumping their kids on her. 

banana468

climbingsingle said:

downtondiva said:

short+sassy said:

I know the LW said that 90% of her interactions with these two are positive ones.  But reasonable and good people don't behave like they are entitled to someone else's time or money because "wah, wah, my life is so hard".

As for an "emergency" like running to the store for milk, are children not allowed in grocery stores anymore?  Because, gosh, I'd swear they are.

Yeah, I thought that was weird too! I went along on errands with my mom all the time when I was a kid, until I was old enough to stay home on my own.

Same. Every weekend I was with my mom running errands. Grocery shopping, oil changes, post office, trips to the mall. Which makes it even more shady that they're dumping their kids on her. 

It's quite clear that she's being used and what's sad is that these are people who probably have no interest in any kind of relationship with her other than the childcare. 

CharmedPam

Dear Childcare no,
somwhere someone out there is writing the exact same letter. Just like advice I’d give to someone looking for an ideal mate, I’d say the same for friends. There’s someone out there for you too.  Someone who has no kids, non religious, maybe their days are open, they like (insert hobby) and love (insert likes here). You just have to find that person. How? I dunno, but you won’t find them at Mary or Cathy’s house. 

Signed,
someone also sick of her “friends” shit