It's new. He's excited. Be kind.

mrsconn23 · April 2022

Dear Prudence,

I have a close friend, “Miguel,” who recently came out as gay. We are in our 30s and our close group of friends has always thought Miguel could be gay, but didn’t want to make assumptions and gave him the time and space to share the news with us when it was time. I am thrilled for Miguel and know everyone else in his life is, too.

So here’s the dilemma: He won’t stop talking to everyone about his dating life. Every conversation is now dominated by stories about dating, scrolling through online dating apps, looking at the men he has matched with (who all seem great!). Everything comes back to the plethora of new men in his life. “Hey did anyone see the new Batman movie?” “No but this man I matched with on tinder looks just like the actor.” “Do you want to meet me at the Farmer’s market?” “Sure, ABC man I went out with last night loves growing his own tomatoes.”

At first this was all delightful, charming, and my friends and I were happy to engage with him. But, now it’s very much wearing on everyone. We can’t have a dinner, a party, a phone call, without everything coming back to who Miguel may be dating, sleeping with, or messaging. How long do we let this run its course? Do we continue to indulge every story, photo and Grindr profile for the next few months? Forever? Do we say, we love you but can we please talk about something else? (Your job, your twin sisters, a recent poetry reading). We want Miguel to feel loved and are sensitive to his desire to explore this “new” part of his identity, but also want to talk about things other than his dating life. Please help!

— How Much Is Too Much?

downtondiva · April 2022

Miguel is excited about being able to date and being able to talk about it the way he's heard friends talk about it for years. You don't have to let him monopolize the conversation the entire time you're together (e.g. you can eventually bring the discussion back to the farmer's market and what you're looking for there), but this isn't the time for the "we love you but you talk about this too much" conversation.

No, you don't have to indulge this forever. If he's still like this after several months to a year from now, I think you can say something. But for now, be kind and patient.

banana468 · April 2022

Miguel is excited because he's embracing his new life.

Heck, I remembered when I had dinner with a friend of a friend who was newly out and I was regaled with the pleasures of anal while at Pizzeria Uno.

I'm pretty sure that while he may continue to enjoy it he no longer makes it part of dinner discussion.

charlotte989875 · April 2022

He’s excited. Be kind. The newness will wane. Enjoy the hot stories now (and maybe I’m projecting here) because they won’t last.

short+sassy · April 2022

I'm now having flashbacks to when I was in my early 20s and had just discovered online dating. At the time, it was just me and one other coworker in the office. Neither one of us had much of an engrossing job, so we chatted all day long. I'm now recognizing that I was "Miguel" back then, lol. I probably told her about every guy I was even chatting with.

It is an exciting time and probably even more so for a person who is newly discovering their sexuality. I also think it's too soon to damper Miguel's spirits.

With any luck, at least for the friend group, Miguel will find someone he gets more serious with. There will be a lot of talk about that guy for a little while and then it will fade into a more normal level of conversation about one's romantic life.