Wedding Woes

You need to decide when enough is enough.

Dear Prudence,

I’m finding myself at a crossroads in my relationship. I am almost 40 and have been with my boyfriend for three years, on the path towards marriage. He is an incredibly sweet, supportive partner who I love to spend time with. But I’m finding myself frustrated at his lack of follow-through in many areas of his life. He has major anxiety issues but won’t put in the work to try and find some ways to help that anxiety, aside from therapy. He’ll have a huge anxiety attack and then promise he’ll do something so next time it’s not so bad, but he never does. He also has been talking about certain projects that he’s never finished over the years and at some point, I get frustrated hearing about the new idea he has that I know he won’t follow through on.

I am extremely motivated and have many things going on at once, and have made a name for myself in my career. I am worried that his lack of motivation and follow through is something I just can’t handle in the long run, which terrifies me because we are a truly great pair in so many other ways. I talk to him about these issues in a gentle manner, trying to not be pushy but supportive, but still there’s been no movement forward in the years we have been together. I also worry that I will fall more into his way of life, and that I’ll slow down myself, which has already happened some but is also partially due to just getting older. What do I do?

— Motivate My Man

Re: You need to decide when enough is enough.

  • Break up
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    He's not going to change. 
  • If he’s not doing the work now, what makes you think it’s going to change if you get married? What if you have kids? Is he going to do the work to make sure this doesn’t impact his kids? 

    Look you can love someone and still not be meant to be married. 
  • mrsconn23mrsconn23 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    He's giving you lip service.  So it's going to continue on this way unless you change something.  

    But also, you say you're 'highly' motivated and you've talked to him in a 'gentle' manner.  However, sometimes pressure is pressure even if it's wrapped in velvet. 

    I feel like the truth may fall somewhere in the middle.  He's literally followed through on nothing OR is it he has finished things...but not all the things he says he wants to do?  Does he over-promise because he thinks it's what you want? 

    If I feel pressured by DH, it immediately puts my back up and makes me anxious.  It's not often and I usually let him know when I'm feeling that way.  But we've also been together almost 20 years and it took a lot of trial and error to get there. 
  • CharmedPamCharmedPam Chicagoburbs member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Yes @STARMOON44, break up. I speak from experience.  He got this far in life with no motivation, he’ll get by in life without them too.

  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    We aren't all the same, LW. You can't expect him to do what you would do or be driven in the way you are if he isn't. You have to decide if you're willing to accept him for who he is, as he is, or if you want to find someone with different qualities. He may or may not continue working on himself, but he's not going to become someone he isn't. 
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