Dear Prudence,
Five years ago, my father had an affair with my mother’s best friend while she was recovering from cancer. To be blunt—it was brutal. They divorced, but he went out to marry his mistress and moved her into our childhood home. My parents were married for over 30 years, and my mom had been friends with the mistress for 30. The affair wrecked every one of my family’s relationships to our father. My brothers refuse to speak to him, and he hasn’t attended any of our milestone events. I was very much daddy’s little princess growing up and very close to him. As much as his betrayals sting even now, I miss him.
I am engaged and the thought of my father not walking me down the aisle, let alone not seeing me marry the love of my life makes me cry. He wrote me a letter after learning of my engagement where he apologized for all the damage he has done and he knows he can’t undo any of it, but he never stopped loving me or my brothers. He also included a very sizable check. My love and I are deeply in debt. The check would wipe it out and leave a lot over for the wedding. My brothers call it a bribe. My love thinks my father is sincere enough. My mother thinks I should accept this as an olive branch, that I deserve my father there on my wedding day. As hard as he hurt her, she still remembers the good times sometimes. That said, she doesn’t want his new wife there. She will keep her peace with our father for my sake, but she will not breathe the same air as that “bitch.” I can understand. I want nothing to do with my father’s new wife. I can’t forgive her or forget what she did to my mother or our family.
My father is equally guilty but he is my father. I love my father. I miss my father. I am angry with my father. I doubt that will ever truly go away. I still want him at my wedding. Not to have him there feels like bolting that door shut. Maybe in a decade, with distance, with grandkids the hurt will fade and even heal. Maybe not. Am I stupid to hope? I have been told to take the check and leave my father hanging; to either tear it up or accept that my father will be bringing his new wife (as you don’t invite one half of a couple); to invite my father solo and don’t do all the traditional father-daughter stuff; or do it anyway. I need an outside perspective—please help!
— Bride to Be