You don't have to do anything.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence, 

I’ve always had a very chaotic relationship with my mom. It’s taken me years to acknowledge that she was verbally and emotionally abusive to us as children. I recently got remarried. My mom always pitches a fit right before any special event in my life. We opted instead for a small destination wedding and a short engagement to limit the potential for chaos. Right on cue, my mom, who hadn’t asked a single question about the wedding since we announced our engagement, threw a fit the day before we left for the wedding destination, screaming at me over the phone, saying she didn’t want to be a part of our lives and I was hurtful not to involve her. I said I was sorry she was hurt and we could discuss it, but she couldn’t scream and cuss at me. I followed up with an email saying I loved her and wanted her to enjoy herself at the wedding but this behavior could not continue.

She came to the wedding but was cold and rude to me and my wife. It was very obvious she was angry, including making faces at our wedding ceremony. She didn’t say goodbye to us and as a capper tried to hide pot gummies in our car for us to drive back, which is illegal in our state. After the wedding, she forwarded me a random promotional email and said something benign. I said I didn’t want contact with her until she apologized for her behavior. I am wracked by guilt. But also have peace for the first time in years. My dad enables this behavior from her and wants us to reconcile even though he acknowledges she was very hurtful. It has been a month and I’ve heard nothing from her. What do I do if she never apologizes, as I suspect will be the case?

—Tired Daughter

VarunaTT

Nope.  Stick to your boundaries, LW.  I didn't speak to former MIL for a year until she apologized.  When she finally did, it was totally backhanded and still manipulative, but you know what she didn't do again?  Push my boundary.  Also, this was very similar to my great-grandmother, who was also manipulative.  My mother got very good at dealing with this.  Before anything big, GG would end up needing to go to the hospital for something, even if she made it up (like a hip transplant).  Mom would just tell her to call an ambulance and go. I think GG did that one time, and when no one showed up to the hospital to take care of her, she stopped doing it.  Yeah, it makes you seem cruel and uncaring to outsiders, but you have to take care of yourself.  Protect your peace, LW, that's more important than how the outsiders feel than to your newly created family.

MyNameIsNot

Therapy if you aren't already. You set a boundary, now the ball is in her court to come to you on those terms, or live with the consequences. You don't need to feel guilty about that, although easier said than done. 

short+sassy

The LW's mom hid contraband in their car, so they could have ended up arrested and in jail on their wedding day.  For all they know, she might have called the police to try and have them pulled over.  Though I assume calls like that get ignored.

The other behavior was terrible, of course.  But also not unexpected because it is a known part of her personality that the LW has chosen not to go NC for (fair enough).

But trying to get your child and DIL arrested on their wedding day goes full into NC territory for me.

Yet, all the LW is looking for an apology that they know will never come.  That's already generous of them.  I think they should hold their ground, but I suspect they'll eventually cave because they don't want to cut their mother out of their life.

banana468

Nope.  Tell Dad that you understand that he's in an unfortunate position and you truly empathize that this is difficult for him.

However you are not going to maintain contact with someone abusive who is actually looking to get you in trouble with the law over hurt feelings.  

There's a likely major personality disorder at play here and frankly I would not want the apology because I don't think it's going to come or be anything more than hollow words.  Instead I'd get my own therapist and would kindly tell dad that your door is open if he wants to visit alone.

charlotte989875

Therapy. You can’t control what she does or does not do, and grieving that she’s not the parent you deserve takes time. Give yourself that time. You’re happier without hearing from her but there’s bound to be some feelings if she never acknowledges what she’s done.