Tell Rose to negotiate with the occupants of her room.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

We have a small, three-bedroom house. Our daughter, “Rose,” always had her own room with a private bath while her brothers shared. Rose wanted to move out at 19 to live with her sketchy, much older boyfriend. My wife and I were absolutely opposed, but Rose reminded us that she was a legal adult and she could do what she wanted. Rose moved out. My wife and I tried to keep the lines of communication open, but we did let one of the boys take over Rose’s old room.

Predictably, the relationship went south fairly quickly, and Rose wants to move home. The sticking point is that she wants her old room back. My wife just wants Rose home. She wants us to go back to the old living arrangement. I want Rose home too, but I don’t think it is right or fair to punish our sons by forcing them to give up their separate rooms, especially since one just started high school this fall. Neither of them wants to go back to bunk beds. And we have a sleeper sofa. My wife accused me of wanting to “punish” Rose for not listening to us, and I told her it wasn’t a punishment, just the natural consequences of her choices. We are at odds over this. What should we do?

— Rose’s Room

charlotte989875

Are there no other rooms or spaces besides the couch? Yes she’s an adult but she’s still a teenager and teenagers make bad choices sometimes. You could punish her by saying she can come home but to somewhere with zero privacy, or you could work to find a solution. Is there an office, or a finished basement you can make into a room? A room divider? A large pantry per last week? 

Things don’t have to go right back to how they were before she left but sleeping on the couch isn’t sustainable either. 

banana468

What about the compromise of the boys sharing the room with the private bath? 

I think the concept of asking your kid to sleep on the sleeper sofa is a horrible idea and it's going to make YOU miserable if that's the long term plan for a 19 yo to be sleeping in common areas when the rest of the family is up.  

If she moves home, IMO boys need to share a room and she gets her own room but it doesn't need to be the one with the private bath. 

mrsconn23

LW seems to want to punish Rose for her decisions, which I totally understand that reaction.  When the kiddo moved back in for literal weeks in summer 2021 after we warned him not to move in with GF, I was pissed because I had to move all my shit out of his closet and dresser that I had recently organized and been happy to have found their 'spot'.  Plus his furniture took up residence in my office and also there was crap all over the garage.  But I did it because he needed a place to stay and room to put his shit.  DH was the pragmatic one and encouraged me to not be a jerk.  

Sooo...I say all that to say that LW needs to give Rose this chance.  I think the best compromise is to let the boys stay in the nicer room with the ensuite restroom.  Maybe ditch the bunkbeds if it's financially feasible.  But remanding her to a sleeper sofa is a bridge too far IMO.  And also, moving back home after being on your own is punishment enough.  LW get a grip. 

banana468

mrsconn23 said:

LW seems to want to punish Rose for her decisions, which I totally understand that reaction.  When the kiddo moved back in for literal weeks in summer 2021 after we warned him not to move in with GF, I was pissed because I had to move all my shit out of his closet and dresser that I had recently organized and been happy to have found their 'spot'.  Plus his furniture took up residence in my office and also there was crap all over the garage.  But I did it because he needed a place to stay and room to put his shit.  DH was the pragmatic one and encouraged me to not be a jerk.  

Sooo...I say all that to say that LW needs to give Rose this chance.  I think the best compromise is to let the boys stay in the nicer room with the ensuite restroom.  Maybe ditch the bunkbeds if it's financially feasible.  But remanding her to a sleeper sofa is a bridge too far IMO.  And also, moving back home after being on your own is punishment enough.  LW get a grip. 

I also can't imagine what the LW will feel like when up against the strong will of a 19 yo when the sleeper sofa is her bed if that's communal seating.  "Sorry - have an early shift in the morning - I'm moving the coffee table to go to bed." 

That's not the way to go about getting Rose to "learn" and at 19 she's not the first person who needs to move home after a break up.  The other issue that LW may not be considering is that if they make this truly unbearable Rose may decide to either get back with the ex or with someone else simply because the parents suck. 

mrsconn23

banana468 said:

mrsconn23 said:

LW seems to want to punish Rose for her decisions, which I totally understand that reaction.  When the kiddo moved back in for literal weeks in summer 2021 after we warned him not to move in with GF, I was pissed because I had to move all my shit out of his closet and dresser that I had recently organized and been happy to have found their 'spot'.  Plus his furniture took up residence in my office and also there was crap all over the garage.  But I did it because he needed a place to stay and room to put his shit.  DH was the pragmatic one and encouraged me to not be a jerk.  

Sooo...I say all that to say that LW needs to give Rose this chance.  I think the best compromise is to let the boys stay in the nicer room with the ensuite restroom.  Maybe ditch the bunkbeds if it's financially feasible.  But remanding her to a sleeper sofa is a bridge too far IMO.  And also, moving back home after being on your own is punishment enough.  LW get a grip. 

I also can't imagine what the LW will feel like when up against the strong will of a 19 yo when the sleeper sofa is her bed if that's communal seating.  "Sorry - have an early shift in the morning - I'm moving the coffee table to go to bed." 

That's not the way to go about getting Rose to "learn" and at 19 she's not the first person who needs to move home after a break up.  The other issue that LW may not be considering is that if they make this truly unbearable Rose may decide to either get back with the ex or with someone else simply because the parents suck. 

Right.  Plus, the apartments kids can afford on a college student or zero skilled hourly worker budget are sketch as hell.  My first (and only) apartment terrified my parents. It why they pushed encouraged me into buying my first home at 22. 

Also, there's nothing saying that LW can't charge Rose rent.  We were going start charging the kiddo after a few months.  Rose's rent could be the 'new bed fund' for her brothers.  My parents charged me rent for a while after I moved out and back in because they were like, "You want to be an adult?  Here's some bills." 

VarunaTT

I might be the odd one out, but I don't see any issue with having her sleep in the living room.  Yeah, it's gonna suck, for everybody.  I know b/c I've done it.  When we moved in with grandparents, we basically all lived (dad, mom, stepsister, stepbrother, and me) in the den with a curtain across the doorway.  There's no way the boys don't feel like they're being punished for their sister's mistake and they just finally got their own rooms.  They didn't make any bad decisions and I think it's kinda bollucks for them to experience consequences when Rose isn't.

MyNameIsNot

Fun story. When SIL was about 20, she decided she wanted to move up here and of course wanted to live with us. In our 1 bedroom apartment. She slept on the sofa for a couple of months while we waited for a 2 bedroom to open up. We were young and still used to living with lots of roommates in small spaces and it was a struggle.

I could not imagine Rose living on the couch and keeping all her stuff in the living room working well in a house with 5 people. 

banana468

VarunaTT said:

I might be the odd one out, but I don't see any issue with having her sleep in the living room.  Yeah, it's gonna suck, for everybody.  I know b/c I've done it.  When we moved in with grandparents, we basically all lived (dad, mom, stepsister, stepbrother, and me) in the den with a curtain across the doorway.  There's no way the boys don't feel like they're being punished for their sister's mistake and they just finally got their own rooms.  They didn't make any bad decisions and I think it's kinda bollucks for them to experience consequences when Rose isn't.

I'm more than concerned that without her private space it's going to be hard on everyone but that it will be worse than if the guys shared a room.

That may be something worth talking about to the teens themselves or simply not leaving it as able to be negotiated.  

If Chiquita moved back home and suddenly my TV space was her bedroom I'd be really annoyed especially if there was a room sharing option.  

kerbohl

Let her negotiate with her brothers to come up with a solution.  That way even if everyone isn't happy, it was something they all agreed on.