Wedding Woes

LW, it's a numbers game. Get back out there.

Dear Prudence,

I’m a bisexual woman in my mid-twenties that primarily dates other women. In recent months, for various reasons, I decided to try dating men again. So, I adjusted my settings on dating apps, and ended up matching with a man whom I thought I clicked very well with. We hung out several times online playing games, watching movies, and in general texting a lot before scheduling dinner. Over dinner, we had a lot of discussions about relationships, further interests, etc. and overall I had a great time (and thought he did as well).

And then I basically got ghosted. He would make excuses to not meet up or hang out online, respond very briefly or not at all, but avoided answering when I asked very directly if he was still interested (he skirted around the question and claimed that he was busy). I got the message pretty quickly though and quit trying to initiate contact after that.

I’m aware that I’m pretty conventionally attractive; many peers have told me this. I pride myself on being a witty conversation partner and an interesting date and so far, everything in my life has indicated that this is true. Yet, somehow this latest incident has somehow dredged up the worst of my insecurities. I’m East Asian, and the fact that I had tanner skin (not even that tan for crying out loud! I’m just not as pale as snow) and was a little heavier and a lot taller than the average East Asian girl who was commented on A LOT as a child, almost always by adults. Having been ghosted only after we met in person has made me fall back into unhealthy patterns from high school (being anxious in the sun for fear of becoming “darker,” borderline disordered eating because I wasn’t “skinny” enough, etc.) I never had any indication from other people I’ve met through dating apps (all women) that the photos on my profile were inaccurate to my real life appearance or that my physical presence was unpleasant so I’m not sure why this is the issue my mind defaults to.

I know this sounds like such a privileged problem, but how do I get over it? This one bad dating experience with a man is causing me so much distress, and I don’t know where to even start unpacking this. Is it about dating a man? Is it about my childhood trauma? Is it just because I am so unused to rejection that now I sound like an asshole? Please advise.

— First Time Ghosted

Re: LW, it's a numbers game. Get back out there.

  • If you’re gonna get this worked up over one guy not liking you dating is going to be rough. 
  • This is a lot of shit to put on a guy you had one date with. And honestly, I don't think he even ghosted you; he just wasn't committal to another date! Surely you've been on dates with women that just weren't that into you. How did you act after that? 

    Maybe this really isn't about this guy and you've got some other stuff to unpack. 
  • This is about your childhood trauma, and maybe if you’d had more rejection in the past you would have been forced to deal with it then, but you’re dealing with it now. So deal with it now. If one bad date sends you spiraling it’s about you and not that idiot. 

    Get some counseling because while your date absolutely might be sexist, and racist, the way you’re feeling is something you can learn how to deal with. 
  • edited March 2023
    If you’re gonna get this worked up over one guy not liking you dating is going to be rough. 

    ETA: it doesn't even sound like he ghosted her. Jeez. 
  • It sounds like him backing off didn't even happen after the first date.

    There could be a myriad of reasons he's backed off after a few dates.  Most of us have done that, probably including the LW.

    Normally I'd advise her to just shake it off and get over it.  And I still do.  But it does sound like she is still actively combatting the childhood trauma she suffered and I think seeing a therapist would help with that.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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