Wedding Woes

GF is not confident in my attraction to her.

Dear Prudence,

I’ve met the woman of my dreams. We’ve been casual friends for over three years, but we’ve been dating seriously for the last seven months, and I am completely in love with her. We’ve had some hardship along the way rooted in my insecurities and infidelity, but ultimately have decided to start fresh and move forward together with couples therapy and open communication.

Here’s where the trouble starts. She is Black. I am Latinx (mostly European). Even though I grew up in a diverse and predominantly Black community and all my first romantic/sexual experiences were with Black women, my ex-wife and several recent partners in adult life have all been white or white-presenting. This leads her to believe that I have a “type” and that she is very much not it. More importantly, we’ve started discussing the fact that as a Black woman in America, she has felt the heavy toll of racism and tokenism when dating outside of her race.

She is a very sexy and confident woman, but doesn’t feel attractive in our relationship, even though I’ve told her how much I love her body and how much I desire her physically repeatedly. She feels like an “exception” or like I’m bending the rules of what I am attracted to in order to fit her into my life. It makes me feel awful to hear that. I genuinely love every atom of her being. However, she can’t seem to shake the fact that I have dated mostly white women. A few weeks ago she found a screenshot of a white Instagram influencer in a sexy pose in my deleted photos folder and was very triggered.

I don’t know what I can do to make her believe that I genuinely find her attractive and that whatever “type” I may have had in the past has no bearing on me choosing her as my life partner. She says this is only something she can resolve on her own through therapy and soul-searching. But it makes me feel helpless, and I can’t help but feel like there is SOMETHING that I can do on my end. I already compliment her constantly, I show affection and kiss her and touch her, and several other things. But nothing seems to help.

— Crazy in Love

Re: GF is not confident in my attraction to her.

  • If this is truly that level of concern, maybe ask if you can join her in a therapy session and talk to her therapist.  But honestly?  This sounds like you taking on your partner's problems, even when she seems to be dealing with them on her own in a healthy manner.  You're doing what you can, she will tell you if/when she needs more (it sounds like). 

    Also, I wonder if this more related to the infidelity than anything else.
  • You cheated - and it's totally reasonable for anyone to feel like they aren't attractive after a partner cheats.

    But if you cheated with a white or white passing woman, that may have escalated things for your girlfriend even further, and I can't say I blame her if so. It's great that she's in therapy to deal with these concerns and insecurities, but I think if you are serious about this relationship, some couples counseling may be a good idea as well.
  • If they've only been together for 7 months and cheating already happened, I'd prefer to give advice to his g/f.  DTMFA.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • ei34ei34 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    She’s welcome to bring race into it, but it’s so lame that he’s blaming their problems on it.  His needs to correct his “here’s where the trouble starts” to HIS infidelity and nothing else. 
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