I’ve met the woman of my dreams. We’ve been casual friends for over three years, but we’ve been dating seriously for the last seven months, and I am completely in love with her. We’ve had some hardship along the way rooted in my insecurities and infidelity, but ultimately have decided to start fresh and move forward together with couples therapy and open communication.
Here’s where the trouble starts. She is Black. I am Latinx (mostly European). Even though I grew up in a diverse and predominantly Black community and all my first romantic/sexual experiences were with Black women, my ex-wife and several recent partners in adult life have all been white or white-presenting. This leads her to believe that I have a “type” and that she is very much not it. More importantly, we’ve started discussing the fact that as a Black woman in America, she has felt the heavy toll of racism and tokenism when dating outside of her race.
She is a very sexy and confident woman, but doesn’t feel attractive in our relationship, even though I’ve told her how much I love her body and how much I desire her physically repeatedly. She feels like an “exception” or like I’m bending the rules of what I am attracted to in order to fit her into my life. It makes me feel awful to hear that. I genuinely love every atom of her being. However, she can’t seem to shake the fact that I have dated mostly white women. A few weeks ago she found a screenshot of a white Instagram influencer in a sexy pose in my deleted photos folder and was very triggered.
I don’t know what I can do to make her believe that I genuinely find her attractive and that whatever “type” I may have had in the past has no bearing on me choosing her as my life partner. She says this is only something she can resolve on her own through therapy and soul-searching. But it makes me feel helpless, and I can’t help but feel like there is SOMETHING that I can do on my end. I already compliment her constantly, I show affection and kiss her and touch her, and several other things. But nothing seems to help.
— Crazy in Love