Dear Prudence,
I recently turned 35. I also recently (eight weeks ago) had our second baby, with our older child being 15 months. Things are a bit chaotic between an exclusively breastfed (won’t take bottles) newborn and energetic toddler, so when anyone asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I would tell them nothing, I just wanted to have a quiet weekend with no extra events and a chance to relax as much as possible/realistic. I have never been one for big celebrations, and this year was certainly not when I was looking to start. My best friend handled it perfectly—she dropped off a basket of my favorite snacks at the front door and went on her way. My husband was also great, he completely took over all childcare tasks he could for the weekend and took our toddler on an adventure for most of the day Saturday so it would be quieter at home.
My actual birthday comes on Sunday and mid-morning, my husband gets called into work. He works in emergency services/management and there was a major event that required the response of his full crew. This wasn’t a problem for me, I also come from the emergency services field and know this is just how it goes. Before he went in, he ordered a bunch of food from my favorite restaurant for lunch and set up for his parents to drop it off, then leave. When they brought the food, they said they could leave, but if I wanted they could get my toddler down for a nap and I could go do something or take a nap. Since the weather was so nice and our dog has been a bit neglected since the baby, I decided to pack up the baby in a carrier and go for a walk with him and the dog.
When I got back, there were cars all along the street in front of our house and I recognized my mother among them. Walking back into the house, my in-laws, my mother, a neighbor and three of my husband’s aunt/uncle pairs were there to surprise me for my birthday. Within 15 minutes two of my aunts/uncles had also shown up. My in-laws had decided to throw something together when my husband called to tell them he had to go to work and ask them to pick up the food because they “couldn’t imagine me spending my birthday alone.” They called their siblings and my mom who called her siblings and everyone that was available came over.
I was angry, to say the least. I was showered and in sweatpants and just wanted to sit on the couch, feed the baby, and rest while my toddler finished her nap. I told them I appreciated them dropping everything to come over, but I really just needed to rest and asked them to please leave. A few left, the others made some objections about not wanting me to be alone, wanting me to have a good birthday, and wanting to see the kids. I more forcefully told them to leave as this wasn’t what I wanted, it was what they decided I should want. The final straw for me was when my toddler woke up from her nap just over halfway through because people were being so loud. I grabbed the jackets, shoes, and car keys of the people left (my in-laws, mother and one aunt), put them in their hands and basically shoved them out the door as they told me they could stay and get my toddler back down and take the baby so I could rest. I yelled that if they just hadn’t been here, I would have been able to relax just fine as I shut and locked the door.
The worst part? They’d eaten a bunch of the food my husband had ordered. I then had to spend the rest of the afternoon/evening ignoring calls and texts from various family members apologizing for showing up when they didn’t realize I didn’t want visitors. My in-laws called my husband while he was dealing with his emergency to tell him about what had happened and how sorry they were, that they were just trying to be helpful and do something nice and didn’t realize I’d meant what I said. The next day my mother called and I thought she was going to apologize, but instead she told me how rude I was to treat them all like that when they were just trying to do something nice for me. This is not the first time that the much more social people in my life have decided I must not be telling the truth about my much more introverted ways, and I am getting very tired of it. Short of moving to a faraway town where so many families aren’t local, any suggestions on how to get them to listen to me?
— Unhappy Birthday