You can't change their dynamic

MNNEBride

Dear Prudence,

I am a late 20-something queer woman with all the progressive leanings that this usually entails. I’ve lived abroad for five years and am in a loving relationship fairly free from any traditional gender roles or stereotypes. The issue is, for about five weeks this summer, I will be returning to the U.S. to visit my late-60s parents, who (despite being self-described progressives) have a fairly traditional marriage where my mom does EVERYTHING around the house. I love my parents, but it is truly exasperating.

Think, my mom cleans the whole house, cooks dinner, and brings it to my dad in his armchair while he watches TV, and complains about XYZ things she did wrong. It is incredibly toxic and distressing to me. It would be one thing if she was okay with this, but she hates this dynamic and is very resentful of my dad. He is also not particularly nice to her. I know she will be constantly complaining about him the whole time I am home, which I get! My mom is going through a hard time now, as her best friend’s husband is dying, and a bunch of other life things are coming at her fast. I guess I’m asking if you have any tips to get her to change this dynamic. I don’t anticipate she will do anything to foster real change in their relationship but I feel like I have to try. And (besides drinking) how can I get through this visit with my sanity intact? The last time I visited them, two and a half years ago, Christmas ended with my dad screaming at me for telling him I couldn’t do something he wanted right that second.

—Maybe I Should Stay Buzzed the Whole Time

STARMOON44

Omg no. You can’t change the dynamic. You can help your mom around the house. You can take her out to dinner. You can choose not to stay in this home. But you haven’t even visited her in 2.5 years- no one cares how progressive you are, you don’t get a cookie, it is not your place to meddle here. 

VarunaTT

Find someplace else to stay and draw boundaries for yourself, which should include: I can't tell other people how to live their lives, no matter my feelings about it, even if they're my parents AND I don't have to serve as a sounding board for my mother about this.

5 weeks is a long time for any one place, I'd also find other places to see/go to while in the States.

banana468

No you don' get to butt in.  This is their relationship.

My mom told me the story that when she was much younger and my grandfather was on a bender she asked her mom to leave him.  My grandmother put my mom in her place to say that this was not going to be the decision of the kids.    

LW can offer to be an ear and to even share the burden "Hey mom why don't you let me cook, bring food to dad, etc.?"  But no you can't tell them that something is wrong. 

levioosa

You’re not changing anything. Stay somewhere else and treat your mom to a night out. 

short+sassy

Definitely stay somewhere else!  I wouldn't want to stay in someone else's home for 5 weeks even if they were wonderful and lovely people, unless I absolutely had to.

I'd almost be tempted to defend mom with a light tone at every opportunity like, "Dad! Mom just spent an hour making us dinner and it's cooked perfectly.  Aw, you're just griping over nothing."  But it sounds like the dad blows up over the slightest critique, so the LW is better off leaving it to just complimenting/thanking their mom.

Because upsetting the dad would probably be the most upsetting for the mom.