Husband Needs to Man Up, But FIL Isn't Going to Change

short+sassy

I hate to think that I’m writing an in-law letter—it feels so cliche! But here we are. Generally, I get along quite well with my husband’s parents. We have our differences but they have been generous and welcoming to me since we started dating. The problem is that my father-in-law makes comments about women that ENRAGE me. In particular, he often criticizes his sister’s weight (behind her back) and uses terribly derogatory and offensive slurs (both weight-related and more general aka “bitch”). He seemingly thinks because they have a contentious relationship (I’m not judging that—I understand difficult sibling dynamics) that it’s OK to insult her for her weight. WTF?!

I’ve tried to make my discomfort known while not starting a fight, but he still says these terrible things around me. And now, I’ve just given birth to a baby girl and I do not want her to EVER hear those words come out of her grandfather’s mouth. Not to mention that when my husband and I started dating I was close to underweight, but now after the pandemic, years of hormone therapy, and a difficult pregnancy/postpartum period, I am now medically classified as obese. So there’s an added layer of embarrassment for me (as if I AGAIN make known that I’m offended by his language—POOF—I’ll be outing myself as a fat person and not just a temporarily weight-challenged new mom).

My question for you is: Do I have to be the one to shut this down? Can I make my husband talk to his father about it? He seems annoyed by his father’s hurtful words but not nearly as outraged as I am. (If you’re wondering about my mother-in-law, she also seems uncomfortable with her husband’s words but brushes it off with an almost playful, “Stop that, Bob!”) I have a sneaking suspicion my outspoken feminism isn’t always appreciated by my father-in-law, and I assume that’s why he hasn’t listened to my appeal to stop this behavior in the past. I also think it’s unfair that the fat woman so often has to be the one to shut down fat-shaming men. Can’t my husband handle the emotional labor of this for once? If not for me, then for our daughter? Or is that just me taking the lazy way out?

—Elephantine in the Room

short+sassy

It sounds like the LW has already told the FIL what bothers her about his misogynistic comments and he doesn't care.

But now there is a grandchild involved who shouldn't be exposed to this kind of hate speech against women.

She and her H need to form a plan and he needs to be 100% on board for it and the main one enforcing it.  With the consequences being substantially less time for the grandparents with their grandchild.  That might be the motivation the grandmother needs to also pressure her H in culling that language.  Especially since she is already uncomfortable with it.

The grandfather might at least get better about it, but I doubt he'll be able to stop completely.  It's been a part of his views and language his whole life.  And he doesn't sound like the kind of guy who is introspective and strives to better himself.

I guarantee he's already been making rude comments about the LW's weight.

banana468

So much of this is really annoying to me about the LW especially with the concept that you're now only inclined to speak up because FIL's comments can affect her personally. 

FIL isn't going to change but your an your H's silence didn't help for all those years either.

ei34

banana468 said:

So much of this is really annoying to me about the LW especially with the concept that you're now only inclined to speak up because FIL's comments can affect her personally. 

FIL isn't going to change but your an your H's silence didn't help for all those years either.

I might be misreading but I kind of got that she's been bothered / had made her discomfort known before, when she was a lower weight, but now that she's medically considered obese worries that her speaking out will be viewed as defensive?  (Which it will, society sucks and is hard for women and even harder for not-slim women.)  

I think I need more on LW's H's annoyance vs. outrage.  H has a newborn daughter too...does he agree that FIL's language is vulgar and dangerous and the grandbaby shouldn't be around her grandfather until he can stop?

banana468

ei34 said:

banana468 said:

So much of this is really annoying to me about the LW especially with the concept that you're now only inclined to speak up because FIL's comments can affect her personally. 

FIL isn't going to change but your an your H's silence didn't help for all those years either.

I might be misreading but I kind of got that she's been bothered / had made her discomfort known before, when she was a lower weight, but now that she's medically considered obese worries that her speaking out will be viewed as defensive?  (Which it will, society sucks and is hard for women and even harder for not-slim women.)  

I think I need more on LW's H's annoyance vs. outrage.  H has a newborn daughter too...does he agree that FIL's language is vulgar and dangerous and the grandbaby shouldn't be around her grandfather until he can stop?

I'm re-reading and now I do see what you are saying.

And I'm kind of in this with having some relatives who are more closed minded.  The advantage is that now Chiquita is headstrong too.   

charlotte989875

FIL sucks but so does your husband I’d he’s fine letting his wife and newborn be exposed to that trash without doing or saying anything to stop it.