I think he is confused.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,

Every time I’ve been in a serious, secure relationship (i.e. more than two years) I gain an average of 35 pounds, which makes my body feel wrong and makes me uncomfortable. Every time I’m single, it all falls back off in months. The only exception to this rule was an unhealthy relationship, where I was often miserable, and I fell below my usual single-person weight, which also felt uncomfortable. I’m newly into a relationship again, and am trying to stave it off. My boyfriend has complained recently that since we got serious, I’ve been prioritizing the gym over morning cuddles, and won’t share the cookies or treats he’s made anymore. I try to make physical activity a shared thing—tennis, hiking, gym trips, and more, but he’s not really that interested. I don’t love those things either, but I need to stay at them if I want to keep the weight off. How do I explain this to him? I think he thought he was dating a relaxed woman and got gym Barbie instead, and is confused.

—Trying Hard in Tennessee

STARMOON44

Yes babe that’s right. My health is more important than daily morning cuddles. Too often in relationships I act like life is a vacation with no consequences. But I really like you and I see this being long term so I gotta act like real life

banana468

"I love our morning cuddles but I have to prioritize my health."

short+sassy

I'm proud of the LW for recognizing this about themselves and making conscious changes to make sure they don't fall into bad habits.

The bf needs to understand that the LW normal routine is exercise.  And that, while they might enjoy a cookie on occasion, it's not something they normally eat.

So stop making cookies and treats, unless he is okay with being the only one who eats them.  It's creepy when a SO tries to control what a person eats.  Whether it's "don't eat that cookie because you are fat" or "come on! eat this cookie, I made it special for you".

Either he "gets it" or he GTFO.  

VarunaTT

My concern here is that LW's physical fitness routine isn't normal for them during the "single" times either.  I'd need more info before I can really decide anything.  B/c if her "I'm single weight" is from starving herself (she doesn't mention physical activity when single) from unhappiness and she starts eating again when she's "caught" a relationship, my advice is different.  And with her saying she's uncomfortable in her body, my armchair dx perked up into, "your single weight isn't a healthy one".

short+sassy

VarunaTT said:

My concern here is that LW's physical fitness routine isn't normal for them during the "single" times either.  I'd need more info before I can really decide anything.  B/c if her "I'm single weight" is from starving herself (she doesn't mention physical activity when single) from unhappiness and she starts eating again when she's "caught" a relationship, my advice is different.  And with her saying she's uncomfortable in her body, my armchair dx perked up into, "your single weight isn't a healthy one".

I initially read it that exercising and being more food-conscious is her "normal" self.  And then it slips when she is in relationships.  Which sounds common for people.

But that's an interesting perspective that it might be her "single times" when she's living in a different way and living in a way that isn't very sustainable for the long-term.

I know how fast/easy someone can gain or lose weight varies widely by individual.  She makes it sound like losing 35 lbs. in a few months when a relationship ends just naturally happens.  Like she is back to her old habits.  But for a lot of women, losing that much over such a short period of time doesn't usually happen without a pretty concerted effort.  It's not just skipping date nights at a restaurant a few times a week and exercising more.

But at any rate, morning exercise and avoiding high carb foods with little nutrition doesn't sound like anything extreme.  Perhaps it goes further than that, but those were the two things she mentioned that he complained about.  If so, her b/f needs to get off her case that she's chosen to pick-up/continue better habits that help her feel better physically.

CharmedPam

I probably could have written this.  I gain/drop in relationships and breakups.  Wow! So yeah… no advice but maybe try your hardest to balance both? 

charlotte989875

Something about this seems- a little disordered to me. Weight fluctuations can be normal but the way she describes it (her body feeling wrong and uncomfortable), the weight just “falling off” when she’s single, and being strict with cookies/treats to the point it’s observable to another person tells me she’s got some really strong feelings around body size and the numbers on the scale. 

There’s a balance of maintaining a fitness routine and eating a variety of foods- but if she’s restricting to the point where she’s unhappy, or can’t ever miss a workout, because she’s afraid of her body changing sizes it might be a sign that something isn’t quite right. 

MyNameIsNot

VarunaTT said:

My concern here is that LW's physical fitness routine isn't normal for them during the "single" times either.  I'd need more info before I can really decide anything.  B/c if her "I'm single weight" is from starving herself (she doesn't mention physical activity when single) from unhappiness and she starts eating again when she's "caught" a relationship, my advice is different.  And with her saying she's uncomfortable in her body, my armchair dx perked up into, "your single weight isn't a healthy one".

This. Something about this letter perked up my ED sense. Maybe the way she talks about her body when her size changes or feeling like she has to do exercise that she doesn't enjoy to the point that s/o is concerned. 

I'm thinking working with a therapist who works with ED patients might be a good step. There's a lot more to ED than anorexia/bulimia.