Wedding Woes
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If you don't ask her to at least be a BM, you may be blowing up the friendship.

Dear Prudence,

I’ve realized I have next to nothing in common with my friend of nearly a decade anymore. I don’t dislike her, but we have no shared interests aside from the most shallow things (gourmet pizza, fun cocktails, manicures). However, she has also been consistently hinting that “though there’s competition,” she hopes to be made my maid of honor when I marry my partner. I’ve been laughing this off with a “haha we’ll see” for a while since I wasn’t engaged and saw no good way to crush her hopes that early. Well, my partner proposed over the holidays! While this is very exciting and joyful for us, I know it’s finally going to come to a head.

I need to tell her that she’s not going to be a bridesmaid, let alone a maid of honor. I don’t want her in my bridal party. She considers me “like a sister” to her, and has projected an idea of me and my interests onto, well, the real me who doesn’t care about and frankly, kind of disdains these things. She made me her maid of honor a few years ago, much to my surprise—and I should have said no then, but I didn’t in hopes that it would deepen the friendship. Instead of learning things that I hoped would make me like her more, I ended up stuck through some self-centered behavior that ended up really hurting me and learning about behaviors of hers that I actively disliked (temper tantrums with stomped feet at staff that didn’t deserve it while her other bridesmaids and I tried to do damage control, for example). Since her wedding, I’ve been taking a break from the friendship and trying to create distance, which has kind of worked. I know this will hurt her. But how do I tell her?

—Wincing in Wisconsin

Re: If you don't ask her to at least be a BM, you may be blowing up the friendship.

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    I think you need to do some soul searching here.  If she's not even BM worthy do you want to be her friend?? 
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    This LW feels super rude to me. I don't usually recommend reciprocal BM asks, but why are you even friends with this girl at all? If you don't want to be, don't ask her and that will solve itself. Idk, i think LW should ask her. 

    I did think Prudies' response was kind of funny. The first part was basically "aren't enthusiastic kind-of friends who love fancy food, cocktails, and manicures exactly the kind of people you want at things like showers and bachelorettes? They'll love all the details and be excited for everything". 
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    Casadena said:
    This LW feels super rude to me. I don't usually recommend reciprocal BM asks, but why are you even friends with this girl at all? If you don't want to be, don't ask her and that will solve itself. Idk, i think LW should ask her. 

    I did think Prudies' response was kind of funny. The first part was basically "aren't enthusiastic kind-of friends who love fancy food, cocktails, and manicures exactly the kind of people you want at things like showers and bachelorettes? They'll love all the details and be excited for everything". 
    I am wondering when gourmet pizzas, cocktails, and manicures aren't something to bond over!

    Seriously though, I understand what the LW is saying.  She doesn't feel they are close enough to ask her to be a BM.

    I dunno.  On the one hand, the LW gets to choose who is in her bridal party.  But on the other, is it really that big of a deal to ask someone who especially wants to be included?  After all, this person is still a friend who she enjoys spending time with.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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    I think the LW needs to figure out how she really feels about this woman. On one hand, she says she doesn't dislike her, but then she describes doing damage control for some bridezilla temper tantrums and generally backing away from the friendship.

    It's ok to not like people and not want to stay friends with them.
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