Dear Prudence,
My husband and I and our two children live in a different country from my family. We are lucky enough to be able to visit once or twice a year, and my husband is enthusiastic about these trips, often being the one to instigate them. Family is important to him (we are very close with his), and he thinks it’s important that our kids spend time with my parents and extended family. The problem is that when we visit, my husband doesn’t want to do anything.
He has spent time with and likes some of my friends but has to be dragged along to any social plans. He attends family events but is very clear that they’re a chore for him. He’d rather not have any plans the whole time we visit. He has undiagnosed/untreated social anxiety issues, which I understand, but he almost always says how much he enjoys himself once I have forced him to do something and how glad he is to have done it. I’ve tried to compromise by planning only one or two things (during a 10-to-14-day vacation), but he’s still miserable in the lead-up to them and is looking for me to give him an out. The thing is, I don’t want to. I’m fine with doing some things on my own and do make my own plans with friends he hasn’t spent as much time with, but I don’t want to have a separate life from him when I’m visiting. I want him to know people who are important to me. I don’t want to give in to his anxiety and teach our kids that it’s fine to let that anxiety control what you do. He says he spends all of his vacation time and money traveling so we can spend time with my family and that should be enough for me. I don’t want to have to explain to family and friends why he’s never with us. Is he right? Are my expectations unreasonable, and do I just need to let him be while we’re visiting?
—Traveling Woes