Wedding Vows & Ceremony Discussions
Options

Way to memorialize lost loved ones

My fiance and I would really like to recognize our grandparents who have passed away and won't be able to be there for our special day. At this time, my fiance would also like to recognize his best friend from high school who passed away about 3 years ago.

I am conflicted on the best way to go about this. I thought setting up a vase for each person with maybe a small photo or name card attached would be subtle.

What other ways can I honor them without being morbid or drawing to much attention?

Re: Way to memorialize lost loved ones

  • Options
    Catwoman708Catwoman708 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited March 2010

    The most appropriate time and place to memorialize loved ones is at their memorial service. 

    I am not a fan of the recent trend to do this at weddings.  Something discrete is best.  A photo of them, on a table full of other photos, flowers, or a blurb in the program is more than sufficient.  Or possibly a small charm reminding you of your grandparents in your bouquet, or a photo of DH's friend in his pocket.

     For loved ones of the deceased, they will attend your wedding expecting a happy event.  Over done memorials might catch them by surprise and evoke some unexpected emotions. Especially if the loss is recent.  Weddings are emotional enough already. 

  • Options
    I'm torn about this.  It feels out of key for a wedding.  But I know that my fiance and I are both going to be thinking about his mom a lot on our wedding day.  I'm thinking of doing something private the day or week before with just the two of us, or maybe with his sisters. 

    In the Catholic weddings I've attended, there are typically 2 prayers for the departed, just like there are every week.  One during the petitions and one during the consecration of communion.  It's a normal, undramatic part of Mass.  In a religious wedding, you could put a petition for "Grandma, Grandpa, and all our brothers and sisters who have gone to their rest in the hope of rising again.  Lead them and all the departed into the light of Your presence." 

    I'm not religious, so I'm not sure I would include it in my actual civil ceremony; it seems like a downer, a non-sequitor.
  • Options

    We are remembering my dear Pop Pop who passed a few years ago.  I've had a personalized candle created and there will be a moment of silence to pray for him and my brother (one of the groomsmen) will light the candle during the moment of silence.  My grandfather's favorite color was red so we will be reserving the seat in the front row of the ceremony next to my grandmother with a red rose for him.  I don't find it morbid but touching......he was the second most important man in my childhood who truly influenced who I've become.  Celebrating his life, memory and his impact on my life isn't morbid but joyful.

  • Options
    I don't think it's unappropiate to memorialize someone at a wedding. For someone to say "..you should memorialize someone at their memorial service" is just plain ridicilous. My mom passed away and you bet I'm gonna memorialize her at my wedding. I'm not doing it for sympathy or to evoke more emotions but because I will personally regret it if I don't. My brother is getting married this summer and he too is doing things to remember her.

    One thing he's doing is leaving an empty chair at the table she would sit at during the reception. A lot of people might think that is too much--but, it's what HE wants.

    I'm memorializing her at my wedding in serveral ways... For starters, she loved roses... There was never a day that I knew her where didn't have a rose garden in her backyard. So, I've chosen to only have roses at my wedding. Also, I am getting a bouqet of roses that will be sitting directly behind me in the church... That is where she was meant to sit.

    I will also include pictures of her as well as a picture on the altar. This might seem like a bit much, but it's MY day. I'm sorry if it ticks people off or rubs them the wrong way... My mom was my best friend and I'll memorialize her however I want!

    So, don't listen to the comments that say not to do it. Do it for yourself... for your grandparents. Stuff to consider when deciding how to remember them that day is what THEY liked... Somehow incorporate something they loved into your day... Just like I'm doing with the roses.

    Good luck :)
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • Options
    LasairionaLasairiona member
    First Comment
    edited March 2010
    Keep it subtle. Having anything on display will come across as morbid even if that is not your intention at all. Alot of people don't feel that memorials are appropriate at a wedding because they are celebrating two completely different events. A memorial for a passed loved one is worlds apart from a wedding celebrating two people starting their lives together.The last thing you want to do is accidentally dampen the mood because you are bringing up the fact that these relatives have passed.

     Some very subtle ideas for you: use a favorite song they liked at some point in the wedding but there is no need to announce it as such for the same reason. Another idea is to use their favorite flowers or colors somewhere. Also keep in mind that they will be with you in spirit even if you don't do anything of an outward nature at all. The fact that you are personally remembering them and wishing they could attend is sufficient. And as a proper hostess, you really do need to take your guests' comfort into account above your own where this matter is concerned.
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_way-memorialize-lost-loved-ones?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:9d08b286-be0a-44d8-9626-0a68b03495c2Post:05c3a99f-a402-499e-b65c-839ce3dd5b78">Re: Way to memorialize lost loved ones</a>:
    [QUOTE]So, don't listen to the comments that say not to do it. Do it for yourself... for your grandparents. Stuff to consider when deciding how to remember them that day is what THEY liked... Somehow incorporate something they loved into your day... Just like I'm doing with the roses. Good luck :)
    Posted by eav2c[/QUOTE]

    I don't know, I kind of understand both of your points. And I don't know, it almost seems different to me when it is a parent versus a grandparent. Please don't take that the wrong way anyone, I lost my grandfather 5 months before the wedding and my grandmother actually died ON my wedding day.
    I just feel like it is a wedding - a HAPPY event. It's awful that certain people can't be there who otherwise would have been, but I don't feel like you should keep bringing up the deceased over and over.
    I think your idea of using all roses is awesome - things like leaving a chair empty at the reception go too far for me.
    imageimageimage
  • Options
    We're thinking of how we're going to do one also.  My grandparents have been dead for a long time (like 10+ years) but My FI's grandpa was buried the night we met and his grandma died a month ago yesterday.

    I'm thinking we're going to have pictures of the two of them on their wedding days.  Not sure what else yet though.  I didn't want to light a candle in the ceremony, because I think a lot of ppl do it.. and I wanted it to be different.  I was looking through a magazine and they had a lot of ideas as well.. One of them was that you could put a picture of whoever on your wrap for your bouquet.  That's something discreet that a lot of people wouldn't know about unless you put it in your program.. if you have one.
  • Options
    We are taking a small picture and a single white rose with a purple ribbon (purple is our main color) and sitting them on the chair that each of them would have been sitting in were they there.  We aren't going to make mention of it during the ceremony whatsoever.  For the reception we will be moving them to a small table to the side with a single candle...again, no mention of it, just having the roses and pictures there to see.  We didn't want to go over the top and bring a sad feeling to the happy day but didn't want them to be left out as our four deceased grandparents were important parts of our respective lives.
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • Options
    I'm simply having my grandmother's watch wound into the ribbon that will be wrapped around the stems of my flowers in my bouquet..
    And maybe a small note at the end of the program, on the back or something
    Mrs. N??ez :)
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_way-memorialize-lost-loved-ones?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:9d08b286-be0a-44d8-9626-0a68b03495c2Post:282292a7-8d8c-47a0-ba6d-0154d864efa6">Re: Way to memorialize lost loved ones</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Way to memorialize lost loved ones : I don't know, I kind of understand both of your points. And I don't know, it almost seems different to me when it is a parent versus a grandparent. Please don't take that the wrong way anyone, I lost my grandfather 5 months before the wedding and my grandmother actually died ON my wedding day. I just feel like it is a wedding - a HAPPY event. It's awful that certain people can't be there who otherwise would have been, but I don't feel like you should keep bringing up the deceased over and over. I think your idea of using all roses is awesome - things like leaving a chair empty at the reception go too far for me.
    Posted by kristinanddan[/QUOTE]

    I'm very sorry for your loss. That must have been very difficult.

    I agree with this completely. I think weddings should be a happy event and honouring the deceased should be done in a tactful, minimal way. Incorporating someone's favorite flower into your bouquet, a photo of them in a locket tucked in your bouquet, a note in the program, or a quick mention during the Prayer of the Faithful (Catholic ceremonies - "For those who have died, especially deceased names, may they bathe in God's eternal life, we pray...." or the many other variations) are appropriate. Photos with candles, multiple mentions, photo slideshows, reserved seating, etc. are taking it too far IMO.  I think with a parent, something a little less subtle would be appropriate, but you still don't want to make yourself and/or guests sad on your wedding day.
  • Options
    I get both points, you don't want to be sad, or cause anyone else any sadness on your happy day... but I know I will personally hate it if I don't do something to honor my mother and my FI's father at our wedding.

    I started off incorporating things into our wedding... We are having a beach wedding in large part because my mother loved the beach and I feel the closest to her when my toes are in the sand.

    I have become a big advocate for Ovarian Cancer, and I feel in part that I chose the color Jade (it's really a teal) from Alfred Angelo's because I wear it all the time to honor my mother and her fight.

    But as for the things that people will see... In our programs, we have a "In Loving Memory" part which names them along with our other family.

    We will be doing a picture table with pictures of my FI and I and we will have some picture frames with a candle in the middle illuminating the pictures of my mother and his father. But that is as far as I am going.

    I'm probably going to be a basket case anyway because she won't be there to help me get ready... but I know she will always be watching, and I know I will make her proud.

    Sorry for the downer... but I agree with OP in wanting to honor someone who meant a lot to her. Do what will make you & your FI happy.
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • Options
    We are going to have a small memorial table at the wedding with a few candles & photos of our grandparents who weren't able to be there. 
    Photobucket
  • Options
    okay this post made me cry.  My FI lost his mother in February (she was 47) and we have not yet figured out how we want to handle any type of memorial.  I will be thinking about her no matter if we do something or not however I know some of my FI family will be very hurt if we do not do something....FI says it does not matter to him.

    I am sorry for everyone else's loss also.  It is difficult to go through planning a wedding when you have lost important people in your life.
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_way-memorialize-lost-loved-ones?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:9d08b286-be0a-44d8-9626-0a68b03495c2Post:974e77b8-d4b1-4a6e-8e5d-f602656a47a3">Re: Way to memorialize lost loved ones</a>:
    [QUOTE]We are taking a small picture and a single white rose with a purple ribbon (purple is our main color) and sitting them on the chair that each of them would have been sitting in were they there.  We aren't going to make mention of it during the ceremony whatsoever.  For the reception we will be moving them to a small table to the side with a single candle...again, no mention of it, just having the roses and pictures there to see.  We didn't want to go over the top and bring a sad feeling to the happy day but didn't want them to be left out as our four deceased grandparents were important parts of our respective lives.
    Posted by Schnebs[/QUOTE]

    I reall like this idea. Very subtle. I will probably end up doing something very close to this. I want to keep it as subtle as possible because I definitely don't want to make my mom any more emtional than she will already be that day. She was very close to her parents that have passed on and she will be missing them that day. But I know she will love to honor them.

    Thank you everyone for your ideas and responses! I appreciate both sides of the arguement!
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_way-memorialize-lost-loved-ones?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:9d08b286-be0a-44d8-9626-0a68b03495c2Post:f40c3f6c-63a0-4da7-9e2c-e8f3c5330490">Re: Way to memorialize lost loved ones</a>:
    [QUOTE]We are being married by a celebrant and are going to light a candle to acknowledge those loved ones that we'll be missing on our special day. We had it made by an "artist" on Etsy.  See the attached photo.
    Posted by melisslp[/QUOTE]

    This is great. Do you have a link for the artists Etsy page?
  • Options
    I am getting married this August and my father past away this January.  We had a memorial service in the church were I will be getting married. So as far as saying anything, the service was enough, saying anything at the wedding would definitely be too emotional for me, especially since it was so recent.  However, since he was to be at my wedding I feel that I need to acknowledge his absence.   I will have a memorial candle with his name, along side his boutonniere, which I had already picked out with the florist before he passed away.  Also, in the program I am including an "In Memory" poem I found on the boards. I am also going to carry his handkerchief as my something blue. I would do what you are comfortable with. 
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Anniversary
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards