please help us!

lindseyanne1

Hi all, we need your help.  My boyfriend and I have been together for over two years now and we really want to get engaged.  My boyfriend insists on doing everything the right way though and wants to buy me a ring.  He is currently deployed and will be home next month.  The problem is though he does not want any debt.  While he was gone his dad found him the car of his dreams, a 1967 mustang, he snapped it up right away in the expectation of him paying him back.  Unfortunately that takes all of his deployment pay.  He keeps telling me that he needs to deploy again to buy a ring, that is the last thing I want.  I located a contest that is giving away an engagement ring and I entered us.  We really need your votes, please, the last thing I want to do is watch him deploy again, we have been through it twice and it is absolutely heartbreaking to watch him leave.  So your votes would be incredibly appreciated...I thank all of you so much in advance!  here is the link and no this is not a scam in any way shape or form, I promise!  If anyone has any questions about it I will be sure to answer you.  thanks again!   
http://www.dnlrocks.com/alex-and-lindsey.html 

meltoine

I think that's nice and all, that you entered the contest - but why not just tell him that you don't want a ring? If the choices are having him home with you or having an engagement ring, I would tell him to forget the ring (regardless of his wanting to do things "the right way"). The right way is whatever works for you. 

My dad got my mom her "engagement ring" for their 2-year anniversary. 

lindseyanne1

I wish he would listen to me!  I've tried telling him that before and he's determined to get me the ring.  I think he may rethink it when he comes home, maybe he'll realize that he doesn't want to leave again.  Right now he's got a I don't want to but I have to mentality about it.  Thanks for your input though, I'm glad someone out there responded! 

iluvmytxrgr

J financed my ring and had it paid off in 4 months.  He also doesn't have to get you a crazy expensive ring.  He can get you something he can afford now and then upgrade it for your 5th anniversary. 

lindseyanne1

thanks for all the pointers!    I really don't want a big flashy ring, if I get it hey that would be nice but if not oh well, its just a ring, like you said it can be replaced.  I love him so much and I know he loves me with all his heart, I just don't understand his mentality on having to deploy again, I know its because he doesn't want us to be in debt whatsoever but I think he just needs to accept that we'll get it paid off and move on with our life together.   I can't wait til he comes home and I hope he realizes that he doesn't really want to deploy again, its hard!

mysticl

Try to explain to him that if you have to chose between a ring and having him home safe you pick him every single time. 

lindseyanne1

I have honestly tried this but I think I need to talk to him face to face about this.  I think its something that requires a face to face talk, I think he's just not reacting the way he should because he is currently deployed.  I'm really thinking that once he comes home he's going to want to stay and not leave again, I'm really hoping that's the way it turns out anyways.

Lyndsey21

My fiance was in the Army and he actually purchased my ring from the PX on base. Even though he doesn't want debt let him know he can get a ring on base and it will be tax free. A little debt is a whole lot better than him risking his life just for the money....

lindseyanne1

That is a good idea I don't think he knows or just didn't think of it that the BX sells rings.  I definitely worry about him when he deploys but the truth is he always deploys to a safe place, there is a very small chance of anything ever happening to him there, the biggest threat is the plane ride there and back, which isn't much of a threat at all.  Though I definitely don't want him to deploy again at least I know he's safe while he's there.  ugh...just wish he would understand that I love him and want to marry no matter what, with or without a ring, with or without debt...

ggirl2001

I had the same problem with my fiance, however how we worked it out was that i helped pay for my engagement ring, he paid for the wedding bands and the deposit for our reception site, because by that time he had more money, and when we got engaged, I had the money to pay for the ring. (we were unofficially engaged for about a month, before we got the ring and told our families). Also, the jeweler I went to has a layaway system where you pay so much per month, so you can always look for something that does that. 

wscott5340

I know that this is tacky, ut have you thought about asking him for a cz ring instead of a real diamond?  Target, Walmart, and other retail stores cary fake rings for under $50.00.  Some close friends of mine did that until they were able to save up the cash for a real diamond.  The only reason why people knew it was fake was because they were proud that they were paying cash for everything and weren't going into debt. 
On the other hand, something to think hard and pray about is his willingness to go on deployment so easily.  My dad was in the military for 22 years before he retired.  We saw many young couples divorce because he was willing to be deployed for extra money, or just wanted to get away from his wife and family.  I pray that this wouldn't happen to you and yours, but military life is very hard and you really need to make sure that you are ready for the long haul.

red1115

Kudos to the advice to a soon to be military wife!  Be sure you're ready for it and be thankful your darling has the integrity to do things the right way. 

Now with that said - wedding bands/sets can be had for alot less money than you realize (PX, WalMart, Layaway etc.) all valid ways to get started.  Just keep in mind our grandparents didn't always have the means to buy fancy rings - its the marriage not the symbols that matter. 

I know my parents have been married for 42 yrs and no wedding rings. My Dad says their love is stronger than gold.  My Mom says the shoes he's bought her over the years are more than enough proof of his love!!

lindseyanne1

ggirl2001-thanks for the pointer, I didn't realize that jewlery stores had layaway...thats awesome!  As for the other part, I would love to help pay for the engagement ring but we already have it all worked out that basically all of my income goes towards student loans.  I don't have much of an income because I'm a full time student taking 18 credits and working 20-30 hours a week in retail, it really doesn't leave me much cash to play around with unfortunately.  I took a 20k paycut by moving to CA to be with him and its been hard, it was a personal decision though and at this point in my life I am determined to finish my degree and start my career!  So anyways...I don't think I'll be much of a help in helping him pay for it even though I would love too.

lindseyanne1

wscott5340- I have honestly thought of this and recommended it but still no...he's still very determined and set in his ways.  I know that military life is hard, we have already gone through two deployments and its definitely not easy.  I know he's not planning on deploying again because he wants to get away from me.  The last time he left it was really emotional, he teared up, I've never seen that before.  My thinking of his reasoning behind deploying again is that he has this vision of a perfect life, everything running smoothly, having a family and never having any debt.  Life's not perfect and debt is a fact of life and I think he needs to accept that and move on and not deploy!  We are in the home stretch now and 31 days from him coming home and I can honestly tell how much he doesn't want to be there, he's hated it from day 1 but now he just seems somewhat depressed.  We skype all the time and I can see it in his facial expression that he's sick of it and he doesn't want to be there anymore.  Hopefully he'll finally get a realization either in this last month or after he comes home that he doesn't want to go there again and that we can make do with what we have.  Love is enough, I can live without a ring, we both know we have each others love and thats all that matters. 

lindseyanne1

red1115- thanks for the input!  hopefully he will take some of these ideas to heart and drop the whole i need to deploy to afford this mentality!

lindseyanne1

I just want to thank everyone that has given me advice/pointers so far, I really have taken them to heart and will share them with my man!  I really appreciate all of you, you have all been so gracious and caring! 

wscott5340

That is great!! :-)  I know that Skype is probably the best thing for those that are deployed overseas, or anywhere not by our sides. :-)  I always caution people when things like this come up just because I have seen things go badly.  I lived in Colorado Springs, near Fort Carson and the AFA and I can't tell you how many people I have known personally who have had problems over deployment and military life.  I really do wish you the best and couples that get past this, are very strong and I pray that for you and your FI.  I really do love Skype as that is how my FI are able to stay in touch.  I just wish the internet connection on his base wasn't so bad! :-)  Good Luck!!!

lindseyanne1

I know skype is a blessing!  we talk every single day.  The internet connection is bad there too though and calls are constantly dropped.  Its ok though cause I still get to see him, everyday, for a little while at least.  And I definitely know about the many marriages falling apart part.  My boyfriend was deployed with his best friend the last time he was there and his friend got divorced only two months into the deployment.  I don't mean to offend anyone by saying this but it seems that a lot of marriages in the military are rushed into.  I completely understand why but I think it sort of the root of most of the failures.

resumary

having a ring is not a requirement of marriage  my FMIL had a simple gold band for 25 years before getting the rock to match (they were also military) that being said... I voted from all three computers in my house... a girls gotta have a ring right??  best wishes!

lindseyanne1

haha thank you!!!    I agree  with you too, its not a requirement and I'm definitely not requiring it, he just wants to go by tradition.  I just hope we win this contest so he can have his tradition and not deploy again, that sounds wonderful to me!

KellyAnn53

I hope you're able to win your ring!  However, you do realize that the rings on the site you posted are not real diamonds.  I'm not saying that a ring has to have a real diamond to be real, but if that site has a ring you would like I would think your Marine would be able to afford one without deploying again.  If his dad had the money to front the cost of the car, I can imagine he can wait a few month to get $1K back...but good luck anyways! they look like they have some really pretty rings on there

lindseyanne1

I didn't even realize they aren't real.  They look so real!  I do like the fact however that these are conflict free "diamonds".  And I agree with you, his dad should be able to help him out for a few months.  His parents are semi wealthy and they love me to death, they ask me every time I talk to them when we are going to get married so I don't think they would have a problem fronting the money for a little while, he just needs to suck it up and ask!  lol  Oh and btw he's an airman, not a marine. 

gnyzgrl

We found my ring in an antique shop and it is the most beautiful, unique ring I've ever seen, needless to say.... the price was right! 

lindseyanne1

Thats a great idea too.  we don't live to far from wine country or san francisco so we could probably find something amazing!  thanks for the tip! 

lindseyanne1

I just want to say thank you to all of you!  You ladies are so amazing and so helpful!  I love all of your suggestions and thanks to all who voted for us too, I appreciate everything you have done!!! 

red1115

San Francisco & Wine Country???  You're out there in my old home town!  LOL! Ask around & see if youc an find someone who has access to the Jewelry Mart in SF - you can buy loose stones at wholesale prices & have a ring made for a decent price.  (They need a resale license)  A Marine buddy of mine did that and he said it was about 50% cheaper than what could buy in the jewelry store.