only family knows were married but sis doesnt understand why we are having a wedding

NicciSal91

this is pretty much just to vent. heres the story. when my fiance got out of bootcamp he told me the only way i could go with him to his station was if we got married so we did without telling anyone. a couple months later we decided we should tell our parents then they told our siblings. they understood since weve been together a long time and we already talking about getting married. we still wanted a wedding for our friends and family and so we could feel we did things right so in january he asked me to marry him but ever since then my fiances brothers gf has been so rude and mean, saying were "living a lie" because we are acting engaged when were already married. she keeps telling everybody we should just let everyone know were married and forget about the wedding. i think shes just jealous because her and her bf were together longer and hasnt been asked the big question yet. sorry its such a long post but i need a little uplifting.

ScissortailFlycatcher

Sorry they're being rude and mean about it.  Maybe if you called it a Vow Renewal instead of a wedding, they'd be more open to it.

They might need it spelled out for them, : )

tendonhead

Read the post three down from here, there is a lot of discussion about this.

kyrgyzstan

I am judgmental about people being complete liars too, and it's not because I'm jealous of 19 year old married couples who got married on post boot camp leave. 

Post boot camp leave = bad tattoos and silly decisions

NicciSal91

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_only-family-knows-were-married-but-sis-doesnt-understand-having-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:6243b756-969e-45cf-bd14-5ed9a48469c9Post:94bc4356-fe7c-44c8-b21f-55a5da1da103">Re: only family knows were married but sis doesnt understand why we are having a wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I am judgmental about people being complete liars too, and it's not because I'm jealous of 19 year old married couples who got married on post boot camp leave.  Post boot camp leave = bad tattoos and silly decisions
Posted by WishIcouldbeinthe'stan[/QUOTE]

well we arnt being liars. its not like ppl are asking us if were married and we tell them no. we just havent told everybody were married. and i dont think getting married after boot was a silly decision. we were already planning on getting married but just decided to do it earlier than planned

Junebug060609

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_only-family-knows-were-married-but-sis-doesnt-understand-having-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:6243b756-969e-45cf-bd14-5ed9a48469c9Post:8903d6a8-0de6-48d4-ba6f-f754d9a2e2d7">only family knows were married but sis doesnt understand why we are having a wedding</a>:
<span>[QUOTE]this is pretty much just to vent. heres the story. when my fiance got out of bootcamp he told me the only way i could go with him to his station was if we got married so we did without telling anyone. a couple months later we decided we should tell our parents then they told our siblings. they understood since weve been together a long time and we already talking about getting married. we still wanted a wedding for our friends and family and so we could feel we did things right so in january he asked me to marry him :)but ever since then my fiances brothers gf has been so rude and mean, saying <strong>we're "living a lie" because we are acting engaged when were already married.</strong></span>she keeps telling everybody we should just let everyone know were married and forget about the wedding. i think shes just jealous because her and her bf were together longer and hasnt been asked the big question yet. sorry its such a long post but i need a little uplifting.
Posted by NicciSal91[/QUOTE]

You are.  If you want a wedding (as in the event, not the commitment...you already made that) or a vow renewal, that's fine, but you are already married.  Letting people believe otherwise gets into a grey area for me, which I think is what your BILs girlfriend (sorry, but he's more than a fiance's brother to you now) is getting at. 

sgsl2009

First off, calling him your fiance is a lie because he's already your husband. I get it, I did the JOP thing (granted we were already engaged and it wasn't anywhere near boot camp or first joining). We still had a big wedding (VR) and I wore a wedding dress and he wore his blues and we had a cake and all that jazz. We also told everyone so that if/when it came out later it wasn't some big surprise and people felt like they were being mislead. I think by you not telling them, you're lying because you're leading them to believe something that isn't true.

*Duchess*

I concur with June Stan and SGSL.  You are lying.  You are married, not engaged, whether the masses ask you or not.  The state country and military LEGALLY recognize that you are, in fact a dependant AKA-already married. 

Have a vow renewal, there's notthing wrong with celebrating a marriage!  Or a big reception.  Go all out, wear a pretty dress, have a ball.  Just don't lie to the people who think they are seeing you get married for the first time. 

CARLY78

I've said this so many times and I'll say it again- I think it's tacky when people hide the fact that they're married. I felt really uncomfortable starting the foundation of my marriage as a lie. It really didn't sit well with me.

I did a small church ceremony in April and I'm having a vow renewal in October after he returns from deployment. My hubby and I have been upfront with everyone and have explained the situation, and everyone is so happy and supportive of us. And I'm doing what SGSL is- I'm having the dress and the whole nine yards.

I am not sure if you're afraid of telling people but I would send a wedding announcement/save the date explaining "hey we got hitched but we want to share our special day with you". And put the date and time on it, it's really a normal thing now- my cousin got married in San Juan and did just that.

And Stan, I always agree with you when you say a couple should go through a deployment before being married. I really feel that tests a relationship,especially the first time around.

NicciSal91

wow. we dont see it as a lie but if all you agree then i can understand that. so what do i do now? tell eveybody that we got married last year and now were just renewing our vows?

sgsl2009

That's what I would do. I felt better knowing people knew we were married than trying to pretend we were doing it for the first time. No one is going to think your wedding is any less amazing just because you were already legally married before hand.

NicciSal91

mmkay thanks. ya thats what we were worried about. it not feeling as special as we want it to be. thanks guys for helping me figure this all out

Stipton15

Wow ladies..She wanted to vent not be berated over technical terms.

I totally understand having a JOP wedding to make things easier and going back and having the big "wedding". You told those closest to you that you're already married..You gotta do what is right for YOU. Keep your head up girl

kaynix21

You're not engaged, you're married. You've already had a wedding. You should be upfront and honest wtih everyone. Have a Vow Renewal, have a big party/reception whatever.But dont' lie.

These are your friends and family, there's suppose to be a trust thing.

kyrgyzstan

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_only-family-knows-were-married-but-sis-doesnt-understand-having-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:6243b756-969e-45cf-bd14-5ed9a48469c9Post:272fd24a-8ca1-4882-91fe-ce451a6fcf87">Re: only family knows were married but sis doesnt understand why we are having a wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow ladies..She wanted to vent not be berated over technical terms. I totally understand having a JOP wedding to make things easier and going back and having the big "wedding". You told those closest to you that you're already married..You gotta do what is right for YOU. Keep your head up girl =)
Posted by Stipton15[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>The difference between a fiance and a husband is not a technical difference. One is a legal relationship, and one is not. And I will always give people who lie a hard time. Lying is dishonorable. 

</div>

prttypancake

Don't let anyone tell you what your relationship is or is not. No one has any right to tell you what to do or not do. You should do whatever you and your SO feel is right and are comfortable with.

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_only-family-knows-were-married-but-sis-doesnt-understand-having-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:6243b756-969e-45cf-bd14-5ed9a48469c9Post:628d7200-ce4c-477c-9bce-d5d98de5c8df">Re: only family knows were married but sis doesnt understand why we are having a wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Don't let anyone tell you what your relationship is or is not. No one has any right to tell you what to do or not do. You should do whatever you and your SO feel is right and are comfortable with.
Posted by prttypancake[/QUOTE]

 She is legally his wife, making her relationship status, "married."

BiMWaT

I agree with Stipton and prttypancake.  A LOT of people do JOP before their "big" wedding, some tell and some do not.  I know people who have kept it a secret and then told everyone later, and no one was offended at all.  Do what you want to do and what you feel comfortable doing.  Don't listen to your husband's/fiance's brother's girlfriend, but do keep in mind that she could spill the beans to everyone else and decide in advance how you will handle that if it happens (hopefully it won't).

SRWhitfield

First, a little background- I am not a military woman myself but I am marrying into the military, my fiance is in the Coast Guard. I grew up in a household where fine lines were not even considered, where everything was black or white, right or wrong, truth or a lie (my dad is an attorney, and a firm believer in the letter of the law- as am I)

**Shout out to stipton15 and prttypancake- you ladies are on point**
Having just given that completely useless little blurb about myself I'll say this- it is absolutely no one's right to tell this girl what she should or shouldn't do. Everyone of you, married or not, made your own decisions regarding your respective engagements, marriages, and weddings. Whether she is legally married already or not- weddings in themselves are purely tradition and not mandatory- she should be able to do what she wants to. NicciSal9, I'll give you this advice, you can take it or not but do not make any decision regarding your wedding based on what other people say or think. If you wanted to keep this a secret from people that do not need to know (ie, everyone who is not your family) then you do that. If your future sister in law doesn't agree with your decision, oh well, it's not her decision to make- it's yours and your husbands. Your wedding will not be any less special if you decide not to publicize to everyone that you have been married for a few months because of boot camp reasons. Frankly, I would have done the same thing if I was faced with my fiance leaving- whether it be for a deployment, TDY or being stationed somewhere away from me. Call me weak or insecure if you want, I believe it's actually called "being in love" but I realize not everyone thinks like I do. Just remember this, your wedding is about you and your man, period. At the end of the day, you are pledging your life to the man you love- it doesn't matter if it is standing in front of a judge or standing in front of the people you care about- either way, you're doing it your way.  It will be as special as you want it to be, whether it is a "vow renewal" or a "wedding". Good luck honey and remember, it is your day- make it what you want.

catemeg

I do believe you should probably let people know you are married - they might feel like it was hidden to get gifts for a wedding, when that's not the point at all.

Most of us totally understand - you got legally married when it become important in your lives, but you want to have the "wedding day" we've all dreamt of.  We get it for sure!  But it's probably best if you do tell people, and refer to him as your "husband".

It basically depends on how you two view each other - if you call each other husband and wife in private, you might want to let people know.  If you really don't feel like you're married yet because you haven't had the religious ceremony, you can tell people that - that you are legally married, but don't consider yourselves husband and wife until you have a formal ceremony.

A vow renewal does make it a lot less secretive, and just as special.  Remember - a wedding is really just a big party to celebrate a marriage.  Just because you're already married doesn't make your wedding to celebrate it any less special!

fallingobsession

I, like many others, also believe you are living a lie - or at least acting like it.  If you got "legally married" to be together (a point I don't *entirely* disagree with, but I will not harp on b/c I do not know the situation), then I assume you are already living together - and have been for a year, I believe I saw you type somewhere up there? That is quite a long time to not telling people you were married. My dad got remarried and didn't tell me for 3 weeks and I was really pissed. If it's family and friends, they will more than likely feel offended they did not know, because weather or not you had the "wedding" - you're still married, and that's quite important news to fail to disclose to people - even the more distant family.

I also feel that you are already married so doing the entire "wedding" business isn't right.  A reception or vow renewal is one thing, but if people believe if the the first time you're exchanging vows - - and later found out it wasn't - - I could see some very upset people. Starting your lives off lying, in my opinion, is not the best idea. Just be honest about it. They would rather find out now than during the reception... And I think there would be less hurt feelings about it, too.

fallingobsession

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_only-family-knows-were-married-but-sis-doesnt-understand-having-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:6243b756-969e-45cf-bd14-5ed9a48469c9Post:9dfecc73-7226-44f3-8ba4-3ef87df83c3b">Re: only family knows were married but sis doesnt understand why we are having a wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]hi! my boyfriend and i actually will have to do this in a few months in order to be together in the army, so i understand your decision. but your sister being angry at you really has nothing to do with your decision. she's probably just jealous for the reasons you said, and also, probably a bit hurt and feels deceived. I would sit down with her, and explain that you did not want to keep it secret, but had to make a decision that you thought would be best for your life. Also, tell her how important she is to you and that her supporting your wedding is extremely important to you! try to make her feel special and that you really want her involved in the wedding process she will come around eventually, don't worry!
Posted by forrma7[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div><span style="font-family:Arial;font-size:12px;" class="Apple-style-span">I STRONGLY advise you to wait before getting married.  Getting married "just to be together" really isn't always worth it. If you are meant to be together, you'll make it through the distance - and the two of you will be MUCH stronger because of it! Long distance is ALWAYS going to be a part of the military lifestyle, and if you can't handle that while being boyfriend/girlfriend or engaged, you absolutely will NOT be able to handle it while you are married. Overseas stations and deployments really change a person, and the time apart is stressful and requires understanding, work, and communication between the couple. It's best to experience that distance before you're married - because (and no offense to you, or others who have JOP'd and made it work!) not every woman can handle it! It's better to find out if you can't handle it now, before it involves all sorts of messy (expensive) legal paperwork.<div style="border-style:initial;border-color:initial;outline-width:0px;outline-style:initial;outline-color:initial;font-size:12px;vertical-align:baseline;background-image:initial;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;background-color:transparent;border-width:0px;padding:0px;margin:0px;">
</div><div style="border-style:initial;border-color:initial;outline-width:0px;outline-style:initial;outline-color:initial;font-size:12px;vertical-align:baseline;background-image:initial;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;background-color:transparent;border-width:0px;padding:0px;margin:0px;">...and boot camp is the easiest part!</div></span>
</div>

elizabethm4

Honey do yourself a favor and don't read the message boards on this one. If you want to have a wedding, have a wedding. I did the same thing, I didn't tell everyone right away after we got married but didn't really keep it a secret either, just didn't announce it. We wanted a big wedding to celebrate with our friends and family, and those who are truly friends will just be happy that they get to celebrate with you. At this point everyone who is invited to my wedding knows that we're already married, and no one cares. Do yourself a favor though, don't let it get awkward: just tell people the situation you're in. No one who truly matters to you should judge you- and you don't have to explain yourself to everyone. ESPECIALLY not people on an online message board.

katieholohan

Ok so we have been married for two years. We are having a real wedding in june of this year after he returned from deployment., We have two kids an all that. We sent out invitations with my maiden name on them ,we want the wedding feel. We have never hidden the fact that we are married ,everyone close to use aunts uncles etc all know. There is some family of his i dont know so if they dont know we arent married then oh well. its not lying i just dont speak to them or know them to inform them otherwise. You want to have the real wedding feel, I get that, which is why we are doing it too, but being told you " dishonorable " by some online person shouldnt sway your feelings. If you dont want to tell people your married then simply dont. Guess what..this is YOUR wedding. Screw your brothers girlfriend and just do whatever. In the end your gonng be married either way.

BiMWaT

YAYYYY SRWhitfield!! And elizabethm4! SR, I see you're in Alabama...I'm in Mississippi, supposedly we're the only state worse than AL haha

forrma7

hi there, i just wanted to add my two cents

i think in a lot of cases, what some people have said is right, about the lying, etc etc.

but i really understand where you're coming from since i'm dealing with a similar situation. sometimes military situations trump proper etiquette.

this might not matter to some people, because to some, the start of their marriage is when they sign papers. but the start of my marriage will be when we pledge ourselves to each other under God and at the witness of our friends and family.

so although this situation may put you in a sticky place, etiquette-wise, i would remind you that the ones who love you will understand your decision. i would also strongly advise you to take elizabethm4's advice, and stay far away from the boards about this.

you should do what you want, and have a wedding how you want it. just know that in life, not everyone will understand your decisions or support them. but you have to do what you feel is right.

rhsdiplomanic25

I hardly ever post but i had to on this one! 

I can't believe what some of these posts say! Keep your head up! I did the EXACT same thing. My husband and I had been dating for 4 years, he joined the air force and once he was in tech school i flew to visit him where he proposed! He still had 2 more months of tech school and i was still in college. We discussed it multiple times before he came home that in order for me to go with him to where he was stationed it would be easier to go ahead and get married at the JOP and keep planning our wedding. So once he arrived home the two of us told our close family (parents and siblings, best friends) and went alone. We thought it would be more personal for just the two of us to be there for such an intimate moment. Our family totally supported us. The actual wedding is 4 months away (proposal to wedding is a year and a half) and we could not be more excited. I don't feel as though i am living a lie. I know he is my husband. We live out of state so I don't have to tell anyone he is my fiance, everyone at my work and all my friends here know our situation and know were married but planning a wedding. Yes our extended family thinks were engaged and other attendants of the wedding do also but I don't go around saying my "fiance" and if someone says that i'm not bothered by it and no i do not correct it because i don't want to go all the details, story, etc. I just thought it would be weird for everyone to know we got married but still planned a wedding, we both thought it would be easier this way and still support our decision a 100%. I actually have heard of many people doing this. Why should you be punished because you wanted to be with the man you love but still wanted the wedding you dreamed of? It shouldn't have to be labeled as a "vow renewal."

Do what feels right to you! You shouldn't have to feel your living a lie. Good Luck and keep your head held high. It will be worth it in the end!