parents not so happy...

loveforever12606

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 3 years and he is joining the Navy. We've decided to get married before he leaves for bootcamp in about a month, so we don't have the time or money to have the wedding we'd really like to have. We decided the best thing to do would be to have a courthouse wedding and then later on we'll have a wedding with all our friends and family. We're still young and I know my parents won't be happy with my decision. I don't want to cause problems with my family, but I also know what I want. What would be the best way to tell them about my plans and deal with the aftermath that I'm sure will follow?

caitlink23

My first question is, are you guys already engaged? My assumption is that you are not, since you refer to him as your boyfriend. 

Also, is there a reason why you want to get married before he leaves for boot camp? Why the big rush all of a sudden, especially since you say getting ready before he leaves means you won't have the time or money to have the wedding you'd like to have... 

I personally recommend that you don't get married now just because he's going to boot camp. Boot camp does not last that long and if nothing else if you waited at least until after, you'd be able to save and have the time to plan the wedding you want. 

kyrgyzstan

If you're young, what's the harm in waiting? Heck, there's no harm in waiting to see how you feel about the life of a military SO no matter what age you are. 

I highly, highly recommend going through time apart before you get married. Not just Basic, but preferably a tour/deployment. You will both grow and change, if this is the life he's chosen, make sure you want to do it. There's absolutely NO way to know how you'd like it without going through it first. Housing, health care, sep pay, etc. are not good reasons for someone to get married. 

People should not get married in the weeks before or after huge military related events. This includes enlisting, boot camp, MOS school, or deployment. Good decisions are rarely made then. Odd decisions are always made then. Regrettable decisions. Tattoos, large purchases, rushed marriages, etc. Be one of the mature ones who waits and makes a well informed decision. Your parents know you best, if they don't think you're ready to get married, they're probably right. 

billman2

Is there any certain reason you'd like to get married before boot camp?

I would wait until you've experienced the military lifestyle a little bit first.  There is no rush.

catemeg

Please don't rush into something!  If you want to be married, the concept is marriage is forever.  What would change that makes you want to do it RIGHT NOW as opposed to waiting until you're both in a stable place where you can have the wedding of your dreams?  You'll both miss each other just as much while he's gone, your relationship won't be any more or less strong through this process, and you won't be able to keep each other faithful any more than if you were just dating (a few of the reasons people get married before training/deployments).  A ring has no magic powers.

Also, many of the wives who are a bit older make jokes about brides who rush into marriage before Basic, get pregnant before deployment, etc. Enjoy school, your friends, and being young.  Enjoy your relationship, stick with him, and be the strong girlfriend who survives the separation and the difficulties of being with a military man and earns the title of 'military wife' with pride and honor.

Raabman

I have to agree with catemeg. I have two friends that hurried into marriage before deployments.  They have been seperated on and off for two years now they are both back and living together. To say the very least its been very difficult on them and their relationship. We visited one of the couple for a weekend in CO and it was no stop fighting and drinking. hmmm...
I do understand reasons for a quick wedding but some soul searching should hopefully help you.

artilleryangel

A good friend of mine married her ex-husband before he deployed, they'd dated for five years, and they ended up divorcing within a year of him returning home. It's a completely different world and kind of relationship once a partner joins the military.

alysia0615

Im 20 i was 18 when i got engaged before my FI was supposed to leave for marine bootcamp (he didnt leave that date because of some paper work issues) but i almost fell into the same mind trap. yes it feels like he is going to be gone for a long time but please dont run off and get married plan the wedding of your dreams with in your budget after he gets home.

RachelByrne9

I've been engaged since I was 18, and I'm almost 20 now, and my fiance has just finished up with Navy Boot Camp. We had the same thoughts as you, and I can tell you this right now...I'm really glad we decided to hold off on the wedding! Depending on your bf's "A" school schedule, and his plans for after bootcamp, they may not allow spouses to join him, so you could be seperated for a very long time. My fiance is now finishing up his "A" school down in Charleston, but I really think it's beneficial to your marriage to hold off. Who wants to be apart for the first 9-12 months of their marriage? The time apart really helps you grow as a couple (we've been seperated for almost 8 months now, and we are so much closer now). I know its crazy hard to be away, but seriously, Navy Bootcamp flies by, and theres nothing more amazing than going up to Great Lakes and watching your man's PIR!! I hope this helped!

Beachy730

How old are you?  I only ask because most people joiing are in high school and you said that your parents won't be happy with your decision. Has he already joined and in the DEP program?  Or is he getting ready to join?   My FI is currenltly finishing up as a Navy recruiter so he sees this a lot.  If he has yet to join, there is a very good chance her won't get in because of how well manned the Navy is right now.  Its very hard to get in.  And if he does get in theres an even better chance that it will be several months up to a year before he even leaves for boot camp.  So definitely don't jump into anything until you know more details.  Plus FI sees quite a bit of young couples in this same situation who get married or move together and it very rarely works out.  These are huge changes in your lives that its better to get a feel for before making that kind of committment.

The fact that you know that your parents will have a big problem with it tells me that you know yourself that its probably not the best idea.  Listen to the people on this board.  You are hearing it first hand from people who see it.  I'm sure its not what you want to hear, but its really the best advice you can get.  You've been together 3 years already, and if he is really the person you are meant to be with, then getting through boot camp and possibly even a deployment will just make that stronger for you and more clear. 

elisehutchi

I have to agree with all the ladies here. Marriage is a life long commitment that shouldn't be rushed because of bootcamp leering it's head. Military life isn't easy for anyone involved. It's especially hard on the women. You will never get a say on if he stays or goes. And you have to deal with long spans of lonliness. I'd wait and see how you handle him being gone for longer than bootcamp. Wait until he finishes up his MOS training and see how you two still feel and start discussing it then.

If your parent's won't be happy with your decision than maybe you should consider why. I'd also ask myself a few questions... can you let go and not sweat the things you can't change or do you get frustrated really easily? can you deal with long prolonged periods of being alone? can you adapt and change to new environments? These are all things that come with marrying a military man. Marriage to a member of the armed forces isn't a marriage to just the man. It's a lot to consider. All us girls aren't saying don't get married, we're just saying take a moment and really think about all that is involved.

It sounds like your family is important to you since you're concerned what they think. Why not sit down and talk to them and let them help you figure things out? They're not your enemies. They just care about you. I hope you find the answer your seeking. good luck!

californiadreamin07

I agree with everyone else, wait until you know what it's like.

My FI commissioned before we started dating, and it's been really hard on me.  I'm having to change my entire life (moving cross country, away from all my family and friends) because of where he got based.  It's going to be really hard for me, but for me, I'm just so ready to be able to be with him, that I'm willing to make that change.

Are you ready to make those kinds of changes?  And also, are you ready to basically plan a lot of things around his life?  Fortunately for me, FI only has a couple more years, but many military spouses will tell you, you move when you're told to move, leave your job when you're told to leave, etc.