trying to deal with deplyoment..

jlynn5084

Hey guys...my FI just got deployed and it's our first one together..needless to say I am having a hard time. I can't focus on anything and all I do is worry about him. I cry myself to sleep and I am ready for him to come home. I am trying to plan the wedding which is good because it keeps me busy but I wish he could be here for it. I just was hoping for some advice from others...does it get any better? Will I every stop crying?? I have never been an emotional person but now I just can't seem to control it. I dont really know what to expect and I am just worried about something happening to him and I hate to think that but I can't seem to stop those thoughts from coming into my head and then I feel awful and cry even harder.

-Jen

kara811

Hi! Sorry you feel that way. Deployments are always hard. My FI is on one right now. I haven't seen him since April, and won't get to see him til November. And it's not that it gets any easier either, but I guess you can call it "getting used to it". It's hard knowing they're far away and that you have to say goodbye. But it's just something that we have to be strong about. I know it's quite an emotional time for you right now, but it'll get better. It has to be. Just try and focus yourself on other things, like planning your wedding. That's what I'm doing right now, planning everything while he's away. Bear in mind that if you're having a hard time with it, I can tell you he's probably feeling 10x as much as you are. He's the one stuck out there, atleast you're at home and you've got company with you. And always keep a very good communication between the 2 of you. That always helps. Emails, letters, packages. It makes them happy just receiving those from their loved ones. And you can still include him with your wedding planning though emails and phone calls. I hope you feel better! Be strong girl and Happy Planning!

jlynn5084

Thank you soo much!! It does help and he actually got to call me for 5 min which made me so happy to hear is voice! I am planning on sending him a package this weekend in hopes that it will get their for sweetest day oct 16th! Do you know if there is anything we can't send overseas in a package? I know I will get used to this but it's just so hard being with someone everyday and then them being gone. He is my everything though and I know we will make it through this because I want to spend forever with him I just wish people realized everything this men give up to protect our country.

KatyBug513

I'm also dealing with my boyfriend being deployed, I finally saw him on Skype last night for the first time since August when he left to go back after leave. It is rough and I don't think there is really any right or wrong way to try and get through it, just try and keep your mind positive and occupied off of the "what ifs." I am actually dealing with right now losing a friend over in Afghanistan just this past weekend AND my boyfriend is over there, I'm trying to stay as positive as possible. He's told me that by me staying strong it keeps him strong over there and I want him to be able to stay as focused over there as possible, I don't need him worrying about me, you know!

Keep your head up though and cherish all those phone calls and internet time you get!!

If you google what you can and can't send in care packages, you'll get a pretty good list of what's allowed and isn't. I sent my boyfriend as well as friends packages of like DVDs they wanted, candy, granola bars, packets to put into water to flavor the water. Most the time anything you send over that they don't want, they'll give to their buddies so none of it goes to waste. Just remember it can take quite a bit of time for them to receieve things depending on where they are. When I wrote my boyfriend letters it took him an entire month after I sent them for him to get them but regardless he'll appreciate it whenever he gets it!

calindi

I know it's nothing like a deployment, but when my guy was in training, I wrote him letters every day.  It helps you sort out your thoughts and feel connected to him.  If you're actually going to send them to him, try to keep upbeat and not focus too much on missing him or things that are stressful.  Otherwise, keep them in a folder and give them to him when he gets back so he can catch up on what you've been up to.

Also, find a hobby or set a goal.  If you want to lose weight, then every time you're missing him go to the gym or try Weight Watchers (I lost so much weight when my guy was at training since I wasn't reaching for second portions with him, or having to feed him meals to sustain his workout regimen).  Take a class, join a club, play a sport.  Do something to fill your time!  It'll help, I promise.

ksrawr

Do something to keep you occupied.  When my FI (now H) was deployed i had school and work and then i hung out with friends a lot.  You just need to keep busy so you don't think about it as much. 

jlynn5084

Thank you all so much!! It really helps and makes me feel better that I have you guys to give me advice! I will def. keep the letters upbeat and I am so thankful for the emails that we have been able to share. I have been trying to keep up with friends and going out so I will make more of an effort to go out...the working out is a good idea!! THANK YOU ALL

melbelle24

I've been going through the same thing! My FI left on his first deployment in July, and I feel like I've been slightly crazy ever since then. The best advice I have is the same thing the PP's have said. Stay busy, write letters and emails, and remember that he misses you just as much as you miss him. He will call and email you as often as he can. But stay busy! Spend time with family and friends, and when you get those moments (because no matter what, they're still going to come at some point), the best thing I've found for it is to just have someone to talk to. It doesn't matter if they've been through it before or not, for me, it just helps to have someone listen. Good luck!

kara811

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_trying-deal-deplyoment?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:dd6aa079-4e0e-4b4a-85a6-8bbdbf6ef468Post:8f18d0ba-6986-493b-a1cc-93b3668cd379">Re: trying to deal with deplyoment..</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you soo much!! :) It does help and he actually got to call me for 5 min which made me so happy to hear is voice! I am planning on sending him a package this weekend in hopes that it will get their for sweetest day oct 16th! Do you know if there is anything we can't send overseas in a package? I know I will get used to this but it's just so hard being with someone everyday and then them being gone. He is my everything though and I know we will make it through this because I want to spend forever with him :) I just wish people realized everything this men give up to protect our country.
Posted by jlynn5084[/QUOTE]

Glad you're feeling better. Just be strong and keep your head up and you 2 will make it through all this just fine. My FI always says to me how in the end, when we can finally be together again, all of the things we had to go through what with deployments and being stationed overseas will only make our relationship stonger and better. Especially in the long run, if you've been through things like this, then there shouldn't be anything else your relattionship can withstand. As for the packages, there hasn't been anything that I haven't been able to send out. I always send out cards, letters, goodies are always great, movies, clothes, even my FI's favorite energy drink!! And if you want the package to get there by the 16th, it's kinda pushing it. Where is he right now? It usually takes atleast 2 weeks for my FI to get my packages, and sometimes it can go all the way to a month before we get each other's packages.

michelle227

Depending on where your FI is, you might be surprised at how often you are able to talk to him.  My FI just got back from deployment and we were able to talk often on Skype and via e-mail.  When he is over there, any chance he gets to communicate will be with you...so try not to worry too much if it's been a few days.  The first month it seemed harder to talk because of the transition to the base he was moved out to, then waiting for internet connection...but it gets better, I promise!

I def agree with the other girls, keep yourself busy!  And I'm not sure where your FI is stationed...but once you're able to estimate how long it takes for a care package to get delivered, you can try sending some home-made cookies.  They travel pretty well and I was told they still tasted amazing 7-10 days out.  Another helpful thing to add to the care package that may seem silly...baby wipes!

Sammy0709

I agree with all the PPs that you have to keep busy.  For both of H's deployments (FI at the time), I was really lucky because between being a full time student, full time employee, and hanging out with my friends I had very little time to sit down and just worry.  I will say that I was suprised during H's second deployment in Afghanistan at how much he was able to send me messages online.  In fact he responded more quickly than I did most of the time.  Like someone else said it doesn't really get better but you get more accustomed to it and to what works for you to keep yourself from worrying as much. 

elcjones

Deployments are so hard to deal with. I've been with my guy for 5 years and they never get really easy to deal with. My guy is currently 6 months into another tour and will be home for R & R in a little less than 3 months. I would suggest to keep busy! For me I go to school full-time, work two jobs and joined intramural volleyball to occupy myself twice a week during the nights we'd usually have date night (i.e. Friday and Saturday) keeps my  mind off of him being gone. If you are like me, I don't live anywhere close to family, they are a 16+ hr drive away! I would suggest finding new friends at the gym ( I have and they are awesome!) or joining some local clubs in the community, some places have some neat things to get involved in.

I would write him detailed letters. I know my guy loves getting handwritten letters more so than emails or the occassional facebook wall " I love you". A way I get my guy involved in our wedding plans is writing him an email(waiting a few days) to get his input, I've even sent him pictures of my planning, a little photo book of me going to cake testings, or picking out a venue and pictures of me with my MOH doing bridesmaid shopping.

The first month or two feels like an endless cycle of being unsure, after you get into a groove of being independent. I want to assure you that this will make you so strong and he will be proud of you. My guy loves knowing that I have found strength and when I call him I can have conversation and tell him about the good things rather then when he first left I could spend 5 minutes(of a short call) crying on the phone! I know you can do it, just keep posting if you need anyone to talk to, because there will be times when you feel like you are strong and then have a moment where you need to have good people to talk to.

FebDallasBride

I'm also dealing with my first (and hopefully only) deployment. The first week was super rough on me, but I've managed to find ways to deal. I got in the habit of sending my FI silly e-mails throughout the day of any random ponderings I have, since I would have normally texted them to him.

I do have days when I feel like my world is crashing down and I cry myself to sleep or find myself awake until 4am in a panic, but surrounding myself with good friends has definitely eased some of the pain (my family is 3-4 hours away and my job doesn't allow me adequate time off sometimes to travel, especially leading into my busy season.)

FI and I are both counting down the days til his Internet is 100% set up so we can Skype, but in the meantime he gets a package from me every two weeks and a card/letter every week. I swear the people at hallmark and the post office know me by name and we're only 3 months in.

As far as mailing stuff - stock up on APO Flat Rate boxes and customs forms, which you can order for free at the Post Office Web site to ship to your house. Here's the links to both
Boxes: https://shop.usps.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?catalogId=10001&storeId=10052&productId=10001233&langId=-1&parent_category_rn=10000002&top_category=10000002&categoryId=10000036&top=&currentPage=0&sort=&viewAll=N&rn=CategoriesDisplay&WT.ac=10001233
Customs Form: https://shop.usps.com/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?catalogId=10001&storeId=10052&productId=10000266&langId=-1&parent_category_rn=10000002&top_category=10000002&categoryId=10000059&top=&currentPage=1&sort=&viewAll=N&rn=CategoriesDisplay&WT.ac=10000266

If you need any help with filling those out feel free to PM me Depending on where he's stationed, it can get there pretty fast since it's sent Priority. FI usually gets something from me within 8 days of me shipping, but I ordered something from amazon.com to ship directly to him and it was there within 4...

mysticl

FebDallasBride, thanks for posting that info.  I have the customs form thing down but didn't know there were APO flat rate boxes.  You seriously just made my day.  The less I have to deal with my local post office the better.

iluvmytxrgr

The first few weeks and the last few weeks are always the hardest.  This is the 6th deployment DH has been on since we have been together. 
This time apart is honestly what you make it.  You can't spend your days miserable and worrying about him.  The time will go by super slow and you will make yourself sick. 
Do everything you can to help yourself feel like you are a part of his life.  I send a small package every week. I send a big box once a week.  I send a letter a few times a week.  I send an email everyday.  He isn't always able to email me back, but at least he can get something from us.
Get involved with the FRG.  My girls help me keep my sanity.  We get together once a month for bunko, dinner or bowling.  Ask what you can volunteer for.  We have a group of wives who get together to pack boxes for the single guys.  We have Bible study groups.  See what you can get involved in.  It really does help. 
I started a Netflix account.  I've been watching all the girly movies that H doesn't get into.  I've also watched the shows that come on HBO that I can't normally watch. 
My point is, keep busy.  It makes the time go by so much faster.  Hop on here or head over to Miltary Nesties over on The Nest.  there are quite a few of us who are in your shoes or have been there. 

FebDallasBride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_trying-deal-deplyoment?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:dd6aa079-4e0e-4b4a-85a6-8bbdbf6ef468Post:ff90ce8d-5c3c-481c-bef1-67143ef0e2cd">Re: trying to deal with deplyoment..</a>:
[QUOTE]FebDallasBride, thanks for posting that info.  I have the customs form thing down but didn't know there were APO flat rate boxes.  You seriously just made my day.  The less I have to deal with my local post office the better.
Posted by mysticl[/QUOTE]
YW. I like knowing what I'm paying each time, instead of the shock I got the first time I sent an odd-shaped box. $12.50 is a lot better than the $36.40 I paid last week cause he just HAD to have some parts for his model airplanes shipped and they were too long to fit in my flat rate boxes. MEN!

kara811

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_trying-deal-deplyoment?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:dd6aa079-4e0e-4b4a-85a6-8bbdbf6ef468Post:7ef76aa2-88af-4e6d-9d74-87f83cd4e746">Re: trying to deal with deplyoment..</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: trying to deal with deplyoment.. : YW. I like knowing what I'm paying each time, instead of the shock I got the first time I sent an odd-shaped box. $12.50 is a lot better than the $36.40 I paid last week cause he just HAD to have some parts for his model airplanes shipped and they were too long to fit in my flat rate boxes. MEN!
Posted by FebDallasBride[/QUOTE]

I use flat rate boxes too! And you don't have to get the APO ones all the time, you can just get the regular flat rate. And always stock up on those customs forms. If you don't have time to drop the packages off at the post office, you can schedule to have your mailman pick it up from your house. Just make sure youve got the exact change to pay for the postage!

sunkissedbeauty812

what do you do if your not sure f your husband is going to be deployed how are you suppost to llan a wedding???im just hoping for the best

calindi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_trying-deal-deplyoment?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:dd6aa079-4e0e-4b4a-85a6-8bbdbf6ef468Post:e205f023-c398-4101-b513-86689ee85325">Re: trying to deal with deplyoment..</a>:
[QUOTE]what do you do if your not sure f your husband is going to be deployed how are you suppost to llan a wedding???im just hoping for the best
Posted by sunkissedbeauty812[/QUOTE]

This would probably be best as it's own thread, but I'm happy to answer.

You plan as best you can, realizing that schedules change and being prepared to be flexible.  You talk to all your vendors and make sure to have military clauses in your contracts, stipulating that if the date needs to change at any point due to military orders that prevent the wedding from occuring as planned that you will not lose your deposit (often it is still non-refundable, but can be transferred to a different date).  You're going to want to make sure you don't pick the most in demand venues and vendors since a last minute change might leave you with very little flexibility for rescheduling except pushing it off a year.

And like you said, you hope for the best.  But you prepare yourself for the worst so you don't get overly frustrated or disappointed.  Unfortunately, uncertainty and change is part of the life of a military spouse.

FebDallasBride

[QUOTE]Unfortunately, uncertainty and change is part of the life of a military spouse.
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

Ugh! I had to learn that this past week. I told FI he spoils me with his nightly calls (really I should consider myself lucky that he's in a position to be able to call as much as he does) but when I went 4 days without a call, it led to full-on panic mode

KatyBug513

I feel the same FebDallasBride, I feel spoiled to be able to get to talk to BF as often as I do and then when I don't get to, I become a worry butt. But I'm friends with a lot of the guys he's also with there so I know, as long as they're online and posting and the internet hasn't been blacked out, he's okay.

No news is good news.

kara811

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_trying-deal-deplyoment?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:dd6aa079-4e0e-4b4a-85a6-8bbdbf6ef468Post:d57f2c91-0d3e-4ed9-b1da-0db9fdb55036">Re: trying to deal with deplyoment..</a>:
[QUOTE]Ugh! I had to learn that this past week. I told FI he spoils me with his nightly calls (really I should consider myself lucky that he's in a position to be able to call as much as he does) but when I went 4 days without a call, it led to full-on panic mode
Posted by FebDallasBride[/QUOTE]


Totally get what you mean. When FI is not deployed(he is stationed overseas though, but I usually visit for months at a time) he calls me all the time and we talk for hours. But during underway, it's a totally different scenario. He emails me everyday but only calls once a week, which is still really good, cus those phone cards they use are not cheap at all! ($25 for a mere 50 mins!) and they are always so busy. Working pretty much 24/7, especially with his department. So this is just something that you have to be accustomed too. It might even be longer than just those 4 days. But like someone else said, no news is good news. Don't panic right away, you're just making it worse for yourself! 

FebDallasBride

[QUOTE]as long as they're online and posting and the internet hasn't been blacked out, he's okay. No news is good news.
Posted by KatyBug513[/QUOTE]


Yeah, I didn't know what a black out was til it happened and FIs way of going about telling me is awkward (to say the least).. "I can't tell you what's up, please don't worry and don't watch the news cause I know how you are."

Couldn't you just tell me the phones were down for a few days, honey? LOL

jlynn5084

FebDallasBride  thank you so much for those links! I am going home this weekend and I am putting together a box for him with his family! It will be a big help Thank you all for the advice..it's so nice to know that I can come on here and talk with people who actually understand what I am going through. I am doing good today, I have been keeping busy and trying new things! I got a gym membership today Would be nice to lose a little wieght before the big day! However, my friend who means well showed me this song that made me so sad..WARNING to all don't listen to it if you are having one of those days!!! It's called come home soon by shedaisy..it's cute and I actually like it but it just got to me that day!
thanks again so much ladies I really can't express to you how happy it makes me to have this support.

KatyBug513

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_trying-deal-deplyoment?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:dd6aa079-4e0e-4b4a-85a6-8bbdbf6ef468Post:423c9ad9-49fa-4a67-8794-bbcc810282f2">Re: trying to deal with deplyoment..</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah, I didn't know what a black out was til it happened and FIs way of going about telling me is awkward (to say the least).. "I can't tell you what's up, please don't worry and don't watch the news cause I know how you are." Couldn't you just tell me the phones were down for a few days, honey? LOL
Posted by FebDallasBride[/QUOTE]

<div>Yeah, I am subject to my soldier telling me details of things I would like to not know until he's out of there and safe. But I know that he doesn't like bottling things up and keeping them in so if it makes him feel better and less stressed by telling me, than I don't mind being the ear to listen. Because I know he can't and won't tell his mother, his mom, she cries at everything, lol.</div>

FebDallasBride

Oh goodness, my FMIL and FFIL are the best support through this. They've been through his deployment to Fallujah, so they have seen it pretty bad. They told me the worst that can happen this time is he'll get bored and when he gets bored that's when I need to worry (hence the weekly care packages to make sure he doesn't get bored and try to blow something up "just cause")

fribbs88

Honestly you will never "get used to it" you will learn to hide it better as time goes. I am an Army Brat and after 20 years of my father being an officer and Apache pilot in the Army I still had to deal with his deployments. One year after my father retired I started dating my fiance` and 10 months into dating he was deployed. No matter how much volunteer work or upper level college courses I was in I was always worrying about him. No matter what you are going to hurt, your heart is going to ache and you are going to worry. You are going to hold your breath with every phone call and dread every knock at the door, but when you get to talk to him, no matter how short you need to make it the best you can. I promise as one who has been a part of the silent ranks for 22 years now it never gets easier, you just hide it better. Don't count down the days because like with his deployment it will keep getting postponed for them to come home. Count down to months and such, big things not little things. I am sorry you are having to deal with something few people know the pain about but I promise it will end soon enough and homecomings are the best. You have to have painful goodbyes to be able to have THE BEST homecomings there are. There is honestly nothing better then seeing him walk off that plane.

I am pre-med and graduating this year and we are having the reality that after almost 8 months of him being gone he might leave this March for 10 months again. Not only would this mean he would miss my graduation but would miss most of our wedding planning because this summer is when I will be completing most of the plans because being in Doctorate school for Physical Therapy I will only have Christmas and Spring break until Summer break which is when we are getting married. It all sucks, the world doesn't stop turning and we just have to deal with it. Keep busy and try not to watch the news too much, it doesn't give enough information and will just make you worry about. I hope this helps and God Bless you for sticking by your man in uniform. I will pray for his safe return.

fribbs88

Get the flat rate boxes and just get the large one, the medium and large cost the same to ship. I sent my FI shampoo, body wash, toothpaste, brownies, cookies, instant oatmeal, microwave mac n cheese, pudding....etc. If you include money do not say you did but insure the package for the amount and say its X dvds. We got a foodsaver and I would bake 2 batchs of brownies every week and half, put them in the bag and suck em up :) itll keep them fresh you can only put about a third in each bag that will fit. bubble wrap will be your friend with baked goodies btw! I hope this helps!

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_trying-deal-deplyoment?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:dd6aa079-4e0e-4b4a-85a6-8bbdbf6ef468Post:8f18d0ba-6986-493b-a1cc-93b3668cd379">Re: trying to deal with deplyoment..</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you soo much!! :) It does help and he actually got to call me for 5 min which made me so happy to hear is voice! I am planning on sending him a package this weekend in hopes that it will get their for sweetest day oct 16th! Do you know if there is anything we can't send overseas in a package? I know I will get used to this but it's just so hard being with someone everyday and then them being gone. He is my everything though and I know we will make it through this because I want to spend forever with him :) I just wish people realized everything this men give up to protect our country.
Posted by jlynn5084[/QUOTE]