Military Brides

Married in 2 states

My fiancé is in the Marine Corps and is stationed in CA. We are planning a wedding in our hometown of Louisville, KY in January. I am going to visit him in October and we have discussed getting married out there AND getting married in Louisville. It takes awhile in the military to process marriages and housing and all of that, so we want to get married while I am out there so we can go ahead and get everything started that way when January rolls around housing and stipends can already be set up for us. How do we go about getting married twice in two different states? If the marriage in CA isn’t valid in KY and vice versa, then do we need to do anything at all? Also, we feel like we should not tell our families that we want to do this because we know they will be disappointed they didnt see the actual marriage so we want to keep it confidential. Military makes things so tricky sometimes! Thanks!!

Re: Married in 2 states

  • edited December 2011
    Yes, your marriage in CA is valid in KY.  When you have your wedding in KY it is technically a vow renewal.  Some people will say it's not, but in the eyes of the state that's what it is because you are already married legally.

    Basically if you get married in CA you are legally married, then in KY you will just plan for a big ceremony and reception.   You won't have to worry about the legal paperwork because it's already been done. 

    I wouldn't lie to my family about our marriage.   But that is just me.  If you think you need to keep your marriage a secret than that's up to you and FI.

    You said it takes the military awhile to process the marriage.  It really didn't take long for us.  My Dh got me into the DEERS system, and I was set.  I did have to get my ID, but that was an afternoon at the ID office.  Once you are in DEERS you are automatically given Tricare Standard.  If you want Tricare Prime you will have to go into the Tricare office and fill out the paperwork.  Depending on when you turn your tricare paperwork in it can take up to a month.  Base housing differs from base to base.  The wait can be up to a year or more in some areas.  If you don't live on base you will recieve BAH, if the financial office put everything in right away and properly it should only take about a pay period.  But that's something you and your FI will have to keep up on. 

    So in my opinion and experience it doesn't take four months to get everything figured out.  It's up to you if you want to do this.  We had the option of having a JOP wedding and then having the vow renewal, we decided not to because all we would have gotten is some extra money a few months earlier.  Basically, our wedding day was more important than some extra money.
  • iluvmytxrgriluvmytxrgr member
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    edited December 2011
    When I got married, it took one day to get everything set up with the Army.  Everything for his pay was straight by the following month.  Sometimes, things get screwy but not often.  You will be fine with just following your original plan. 
    If you get married in CA when you go visit, you don't need another marriage license when you get to KY.  Please don't lie to your family if you get married in CA.  It will come out eventually.  My family would have been much more upset that we lied to everyone than if we told them we JOP'd and planned to have a big ceremony later.  Just something to think about. 
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  • edited December 2011
    Thanks :)  My parents have told me that they will not pay for the wedding if we elope first. My FI and I are trying to make financially savvy decisions, which is why we would like to go ahead and get married, but we also want to have our special day with our friends and family. Now that I am writing all of this out - it seems selfish.  I absolutely do not want to keep anything from our families but you two are right. It would hurt them more if we kept it from them than the actual act of it.  My fiance has been advised from his Family Planning officer that we should live offbase since we are wanting me to move out there immediately after we are married in January, but the BAH can take some time to take effect and it would be out of our pocket until then.  We know we will be reimbursed, but in the meantime we cannot afford it, so we are concerned about that
  • iluvmytxrgriluvmytxrgr member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011

    If you get married in January and get everything filed, the BAH should pick up in Feb, March at the latest.  I would start putting away everything you can so you can pay deposits and such.  If you can't do that, it may be worth it to actually wait a few weeks to move out there.  I know that sucks.  No one wants to live the first few weeks of their married life apart from their new husband.  It may be the best thing you can do finacially. 
    You could also look into an extended stay type of place while y'all find a new home and wait for the BAH to kick in. 
    Also, have him look into getting his command to go ahead and clear him from the barraks to live off post a month of two before you get married.  He will start pulling BAH w/o dependants for those months.  He will get the BAH w/ dependants after you are married.  I've known several people who were able to do that.  It doesn't always work.  It completely depends on your H's command. 
    Just a few options.  I hope it helps.

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  • mysticlmysticl member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    If you do the JOP thing don't lie about it.  I know someone who did this.  She and FI were in the Navy and they got married in CA.  Not sure exactly why but I think it was so she could get orders to transfer to his base.  They didn't tell anyone and went home and had the church wedding and reception.  Years later it came out and some of her family was furious that she let her mother pay for a "fake" wedding. 
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  • edited December 2011
    Lying to your family is the worst idea ever. It dose sound extremely selfish that you would only keep it a secret just so the parents would still front the bill. You cannot get married twice so maybe you should have  the family fly out for the JOP in CA and then have a big VR in KY with everyone else. Think long and hard about this, I am not convinced this is the best idea.

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  • edited December 2011
    just something to keep in mind when planning this, make sure if you go through with getting married in CA that his command knows about it.  I'm not sure how old you and/or your fiance are, but especially if you are young, he needs to keep his command informed as to whats going on.  I had a friend who got married prior to when they told his command and he's since been separated from his unit. (they deployed and he was held back stateside to take care of his "home situation")
    The MC was super quick about processing all of our information, but we certainly paid a lot of money OOP.  If he can get approved to move out of the barracks before your wedding, thats great, however I believe without extenuating circumstances the MC requires you to be at least and E-4 to do so (it might even be E-5, not sure).  We didnt even explore this option though, so dont take my word on it.
    If you're really concerned about the deposits and such, maybe its something to talk to your close relatives about.  Ask them to sponsor a utility deposit for you instead of a gift.  As long as you pay your bills you'll get the money back when you move and it'll be a nice little nest egg to take with you wherever you go.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_married-2-states?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:e9dd8df9-37c0-4669-ae8a-25ccc292df56Post:79652fb4-adf2-4a5b-b3f6-0df2d74beed9">Re: Married in 2 states</a>:
    [QUOTE]it doesn't take four months to get everything figured out.  It's up to you if you want to do this.  We had the option of having a JOP wedding and then having the vow renewal, we decided not to because all we would have gotten is some extra money a few months earlier.  Basically, our wedding day was more important than some extra money.
    Posted by SheilaE[/QUOTE]

    not always correct. my cousin had to wait to get four months of backpay for bah when she married her husband event hough she took care of everything right away.
    i wouldn't keep it a secret and just explain the situation to your family. but nothing wrong with getting the legalities taken care of.
  • LuluP82LuluP82 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You can't have two legal marriages in two different states-- you just get legally married once, and it's recognized in every state. You can definitely have a sentimental ceremony and reception later, but if your family is against it, I wouldn't.

    My DH and I went to the courthouse in May and are having our party in November, but our families are totally cool with it/are the ones who really want the party and are paying for it.

    If it helps, my hubby is a Marine too, and it only took us like 2 hours to do everything. Literally, right after we filed the marriage  license in the courthouse (it only took 10 minutes to do our ceremony since we didn't exchange vows or rings, just did whatever was minimally legally necessary), we went to a DEERS office (they have a website somewhere with a list of all of them, we went to an off-base one-- tends to have shorter lines, let you make an appointment, and have more convenient hours) and in 30 minutes, I was in the system and had my ID. I then went to enroll in tricare prime a different day (you're automatically in standard) and my hubby fixed his pay in the system. You can go to DEERS wherever you want-- it doesn't have to be on his base, you can go in KY (they literally have the offices everywhere...it's a navy website, I wish I could remember what it was)

    Now, we're older than most military couples, and my hubby is an officer, so all he had to do was let his CO know, but I know for some younger couples/lower ranks, they'll make you go to counseling, etc. So just check on that so you don't get in trouble.

    If your parents are generously offering to pay for your wedding at alater day, why not ask them if they're willing to loan you the money to move until BAH and stuff gets straightened out? Just a suggestion. It should only take one month, but if you have no savings, it's impossible to move/get an apt! It might be better to ask them for a loan than make them angry at you for eloping.
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  • edited December 2011
    Thanks for all of the help everyone!!  It is really nice to know all of our options.  We will continue on our path of getting married at home in January.  If on base housing is available for us, then we will do that; if not, we will live off base.  I have faith it will all work out.  He is 24 and I am 25 so we qualify for many things that younger/lower ranking Marines do not.  Again, we appreciate all of the info!!  Smile
  • kyrgyzstankyrgyzstan member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Don't lie to your family, because they will find out. If they won't pay if you elope and you hide it, you are on the same ethical level as stealing in my opinion. And junior enlisted housing is crazy easy to get at Camp Pendleton, if that's where he is. They're so open in E1-E3 housing that they're letting single E5s move in to those neighborhoods. Some of the E4-E5 housing is very open too. Here's a link to all the availability. http://www.lincolnmilitary.com/Installations/Shared/files/CampPendletonHotSheet-_Aug_05_2010_-_Aug_11_2010[1].pdf


    Also, age =/= rank. 
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  • momocobabemomocobabe member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Hmm... really glad I stumbled onto this board.  My fiance and I have been considering getting married secretly by my pastor here in Ohio and then having our "real" March wedding, and it's been partly because of my crummy school insurance.  He wants to get me on Tricare (we should be able to get Prime :) ) so I can get healthcare somewhere besides my school's health center. 

    Other reasons to rush are specific to our religion, but that's for another board. 

    Anyway, we're probably paying for most of our own wedding (rather than my parents), but that's not for sure yet.  Money matters aside, I'm certain they would be angry if they found out later that we had jumped the gun and were keeping it a secret.  It's really not honest.  I guess I could bring up the idea with them so it wouldn't be a secret, but I doubt they'd respond favorably.

    Thanks for your input, ladies. 
  • edited December 2011
    I too, am in a similar boat. I just moved literally across the country to be with my fiance who just returned from Iraq. I am not working right now due to just moving, waiting for my SLP license to go through in this state, and block leave being right around the corner. Long story short I will not have health insurance until I start my next job or until we are legally married. The additional money that we would get for BAH etc. is not the main reason but of course it doesn't hurt. It just seems to make sense to get legally married on paper so that we can have the piece of mind of me having health insurance. I don't think my family would be thrilled but I don't think they would be furious either. I have mentioned it in passing and no one has had a very strong reaction to the idea. I am still undecided though. I don't want to feel like it takes away from the actual big wedding day at all. That would be my reason for keeping it confidential. I don't think it has to be considered lying if you and your fiance need to do what is right for you.
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