Question to the married knotties that hang out here

jesi_nickles

I know my situation isnt all that unique, (even if I think it is), but I was just wondering something.

My FI and I know already that he is going to be going overseas sometime next year, we just dont know what month, or how long he is going to be over there. We are thinking of going to either Hess village, or Niagara Falls and getting married there, and then when he comes back and we can come back to Ontario again, having a Vow renewal ceremony.  My question is, how many of you ladies had to decide whether or not to get married before your FI's deployment, and what did you decide on, and how did you go about it?

TIA Jesi
(ps, I'm 24 and so is FI)

kyrgyzstan

I personally JOP'd (I'm now divorced). I am glad I did, but only because it means when I marry the right guy, I won't have already gone through the whole wedding thing.

JOPing is a very personal choice. I wouldn't want to do it again. I don't think deployment, BAH, Tricare, sep pay, etc. or any of it is worth it. Most SNCOs will tell their juniors to go through a deployment dating/engaged before they get married.It's a good test for both of you to make sure you can handle the life (a combat deployment is very different from dealing with the separation stateside of training or of an unaccompanied Germany/Korea/float tour). I tend to agree. 

That being said, I just don't think people should pretend they're not married when they are. Since you called it a VR, it doesn't seem like you are planning on that, and you're an adult (past the age of average college graduation), so make the decision that's best for you. Also, keep in mind that he can put you in his will,  as a beneficiary of life insurance, on the casualty notification list, etc. You DO NOT have to be married for him to make sure you're taken care of, just in case. 

jesi_nickles

Thanks for the input. I think we are going the way of JOP and doing the VR later. Both of us want kids as well, and my mother will sleep better at night if I do get pregnant and we are married.

Jesi

kf6fow

I'm in a similar situation, except that my husband and I got married at the County Clerk's 2 months before he left for Basic and AIT. He's at AIT right now, then we have about 5 months with him back home, then he deploys to either Afghanistan or Iraq (15 months!! Jesus, that sounds like forever). Even though we are married, we never got a chance to have the wedding, so we have just set a date for that, August 21. That way, just in case they change his AIT graduation date or his deployment gets moved up, we're covered. 

However, I'm planning all the major stuff on my own, with his input of course, and then we'll do all the last-minute stuff when he gets home. I'd actually say the opposite of the other poster - I'm very glad I got married before he left. It just makes me feel so much more secure knowing that in our hearts and legally, we're man and wife. There's enough uncertainty and doubt when the person you love is away for long periods of time, and it personally makes us feel better knowing that we were both ready to commit to one another before he left. 

I'm also a very left-wing liberal anti-war artist-type, and believe me, trying to reconcile that with being an Army wife and getting used to the new routine is VERY stressful. I'm glad I don't also have to worry about whether or not he loves me, or will meet someone while he's away that makes him doubt whether or not he wants to marry me.

That's just my experience with the whole military thing. Good luck with your decision, and with your sanity while he's away.

-Jen

sgsl2009

We did the JOP thing because he was scheduled last minute on deployment and would be missing our wedding. He was pulled off the night before due to medical reasons (for me, not him) and so we were married and back to planning a "wedding". For us, it was a vow renewal, but our families saw it as another wedding, which made them happy so we didn't fight termonology.

For us, we could've pushed back the wedding, but we were just ready to be married. We still would've pushed back the VR, but I'm glad we had JOP'd it.

MrsOjoButtons

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_question-married-knotties-hang-out-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:13Discussion:f201ea60-8c6d-43ca-b6a0-8073957258aaPost:6717de0c-26f1-414d-8051-ac4bcbbd64aa">Re: Question to the married knotties that hang out here</a>:
[QUOTE]It just makes me feel so much more secure knowing that in our hearts and legally, we're man and wife. There's enough uncertainty and doubt when the person you love is away for long periods of time, and it personally makes us feel better knowing that we were both ready to commit to one another before he left.  I'm also a very left-wing liberal anti-war artist-type, and believe me, trying to reconcile that with being an Army wife and getting used to the new routine is VERY stressful. I'm glad I don't also have to worry about whether or not he loves me, or will meet someone while he's away that makes him doubt whether or not he wants to marry me. Posted by kf6fow[/QUOTE]
Marriage licenses don't stop people from cheating or having doubts.

OP, Stan gave great advice.  I am one of those people who suggests experiencing separation, hardship, deployment, etc, prior to marrying into the military lifestyle.  I know far too many people who were caught off guard by it and divorced very quickly when the going got tough. 

kf6fow

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_question-married-knotties-hang-out-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:f201ea60-8c6d-43ca-b6a0-8073957258aaPost:b26d1b36-8345-44ef-9bc2-dd730237ab81">Re: Question to the married knotties that hang out here</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Question to the married knotties that hang out here : Marriage licenses don't stop people from cheating or having doubts.
Posted by MrsOjoButtons[/QUOTE]

<div>This is my second marriage, and I'm well into my 30's. I am aware of that. What I meant by my statement was, I feel better knowing that he is willing to commit before he goes away. Not to get bitchy, but why is it your place to tell me how likely it still is that my husband will cheat on me while he's away? I get that adversity sometimes stresses a relationship to the breaking point, but with all due respect, you don't know me, or my husband. We find that adversity strengthens our bond.</div><div>
</div><div>Also, and not that it makes a difference to my trust in my husband, but if a man is willing to be court-martialled in order to get some, then he really doesn't want to be married anymore. Whether you admit it or not, there is some additional psychological security in that consequence. </div><div>
</div><div>Give the girl a chance. Sheesh. I thought only the men were this cynical. </div><div>I'm gonna stop reading these boards now, since I'm new here but this doesn't seem to be a good place for me. I apologise if my optimism is out of line here. Forgive my intrusion, and OP, best of luck to you in your relationship. I know you'll be just fine, no matter what you choose!</div><div>
</div><div>-Jen</div>

kyrgyzstan

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_question-married-knotties-hang-out-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:f201ea60-8c6d-43ca-b6a0-8073957258aaPost:958484e1-5761-432f-bdaa-05f06ce3f7e0">Re: Question to the married knotties that hang out here</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Question to the married knotties that hang out here : This is my second marriage, and I'm well into my 30's. I am aware of that. What I meant by my statement was, I feel better knowing that he is willing to commit before he goes away. Not to get bitchy, but why is it your place to tell me how likely it still is that my husband will cheat on me while he's away? I get that adversity sometimes stresses a relationship to the breaking point, but with all due respect, you don't know me, or my husband. We find that adversity strengthens our bond. Also, and not that it makes a difference to my trust in my husband, but if a man is willing to be court-martialled in order to get some, then he really doesn't want to be married anymore. Whether you admit it or not, there is some additional psychological security in that consequence.  Give the girl a chance. Sheesh. I thought only the men were this cynical.  I'm gonna stop reading these boards now, since I'm new here but this doesn't seem to be a good place for me. I apologise if my optimism is out of line here. Forgive my intrusion, and OP, best of luck to you in your relationship. I know you'll be just fine, no matter what you choose! -Jen
Posted by kf6fow[/QUOTE]

Age and prior marriage mistakes doesn't mean you didn't rush into it. Here's the thing, on the internet and these boards, all we have to go on is what you type. So no, while we don't know you, based on what you typed, we respond.

FWIW, I know of ONE prosecution for adultery. ONE. And I know a lot of service members. In this case, the charge was ONLY TACKED ON to a fraternization charge because the SM was an E8, and the woman was an E3.  If you got married for psychological security and so it would be breaking the law for him to cheat, I'd say you got married for the wrong reasons. Making a commitment to one another in the eyes of God and society is great, but it should be to someone who you would be secure with sans a legal certificate. Being in your thirties also has nothing to do with being equipped to handle things like deployments. The best thing for anyone to do is to go through a combat deployment BEFORE marriage. It's good for the service member and the fiance/e. If that's not possiblefor whatever reason, OP should be prepared to evolve with her service member, because deployment changes people. A lot of marriages fall apart after homecoming, and it's great to make sure you can handle it. Divorce kind of sucks, it's a lot of paperwork.

Cass987

Feel I have to chime in here - and feel free to ban me from posting on your board. I just feel you need a bit of realism here.

You (everyone) are always talking about the men downrange, yadda  yadda. I was deployed downrange (Iraq) for 30 months - seeing as I had boots on ground for that period of time, I feel that I have a certain perspective of things other ladies on here don't have if they haven't been deployed. During that time, there was a grand total of TWO - count them TWO - male service members that I knew that did NOT cheat when given the opportunity. There were literally HUNDREDS of guys in the 'other camp' who felt that rings were like cell phones - just another accessory.  These are the same guys who are the most devoted guys in the WORLD when they are at home. But as soon as their boots hits that baby powder sand of Iraq, all bets were off. (I was part of the 'boys club' where for whatever reason I heard all of the nasty details from the men and the S***TS that serviced them - sorry, I know of no other word for it. Then all the girls came crying to me (as the only girl who knew these guys) when they moved on to the next female.). These women made more money on the side than working!  Not to say it was all men - the female service members were nearly as bad if not worse! There were three women in a unit in the same housing block I was in that were redeployed to get court marshaled or because they were preggo - all married and nope, their husbands were NOT the fathers - within 90 days of each other! It goes both ways. I don't care how much of a saint you think your S.O. is, there is no way to know how they will react when they were down range. Are you sure you are ready for the realities of military life?

Are you aware that in pre-deployment and post-deployment briefings you get briefed to have STD tests before you go home on R&R and home for good? The COL who briefed our group actually told us "No sexual relations down range. It violates General Order #1 and is punishable under the UCMJ. That being said - we're not stupid, we know what happens, but don't bring that sh*t home to your wives - they didn’t do anything to deserve it! use condoms downrange - you can get them at any aid station for free - get tested before you go home for visits and for good, it's the least you can do. That is enough on that subject - moving on..." 

Like I said - I knew two guys (and yes, I remember them very well, they were like brothers to me - CPT C and CPT E) who did stay true. I'm not trying to say your guy will be one of the 95%+ but I'm just saying be realistic - go through a deployment apart BEFORE you get married - you sometimes learn how combat changes someone. That is, unless you really are marrying for benefits then more power to you, you're going into it eyes wide open - so long as that's a two way street.

kyrgyzstan

Cass, please come over to Military Nesties. You will fit in very well.

MrsOjoButtons

Stan, I'm in love. 
My husband was on a relatively short deployment, but he found out the tent behind his was operating a sex ring.  The lady in charge of it was a female officer.  It's not always low-ranking enlisted people. 
I've been a paralegal for six years.  Last week we had an adultery court-martial, but that only went to court because he kept violating the no contact order.  He ended up being found not guilty.  I have another one coming up soon, but from what I understand, it's only a court because the female mistress is the wife of somebody important on base.  Other than that, I saw an adultery charge get tacked on to one case, about 4 years ago, and it was an officer who was sleeping with a handful of his enlisted troops.  Adultery is rarely prosecuted without some kind of extenuating circumstance.  I'm sure other services probably differ in how those cases are handled, but this is how it is in the AF.  This isn't my first duty station, either.

I had a really good guy friend whose wife couldn't come to America because of a visa issue.  She stayed in her country (in South America) and he was here serving.  He and I were good friends for about a year and a half and then he sent me this really weird email about how he'd fallen in love with me and he hoped that telling me wouldn't scare me away.  It did.  I stopped being his friend.  He did end up cheating on his wife with other females, fortunately I wasn't one of them. 

I was deployed.  Some of the guys were great, called their wives every chance they got.  Some of the other guys weren't great, but still called their wives every chance they got so they wouldn't know anything was going on behind their back. 

kyrgyzstan

I knew you would be. I really want her to hang out on MN!

jesi_nickles

Can I clarify that I have been through a deployment already? It was last summer, he got deployed on May 24 weekend, and was home in time for Christmas.

So no, I don't believe that we are rushing into things. And yes, I do know divorce sucks, his parents are going through one right now, and it got nasty.

So please dont think I'm stupid. I know a ring doesn't mean anything to some men, and I know that if he so wanted to, he could. But he didnt last time, so I have every faith in him that he wont this time.

Call me stupid, call me guliable. Call me what ever you want. But I HAVE been through this, so I do know what I'm getting into.

But thanks for all your answers. Jesi

kyrgyzstan

If you've gone through a combat deployment together, then awesome. That's all anyone was advising.

AriaGoose

I'm sad to hear of so many problems with folks while their signficant other/spouse is deployed!  I spent 7 months in Baghdad last year and never once saw anyone acting inappropriately or knew of anyone doing anything wrong!  Of course, I am not naive enough to think that it did not happen at all, but I know it was not commonplace where I was.

In either case, OP, it will always be hard to plan around the deployments.  My fiance and I are in separate buckets and thus have only a gap of 6 months every other year when we aren't likely to be deployed.  It certainly influenced when we set our wedding date.  However, as many folks have posted, the important thing is feeling that you aren't rushing into anything and are comfortable with the timeframe.  It sounds like you're pretty sure, which is great!  

Just plan for what works for you and his schedule - it will all work out in the end! 

elizabethm4

Do it! I did the exact same thing you're talking about doing. You know what you're getting into, you love him, do what makes sense for you. My VR (I'm calling it my Christian wedding since I already had my civil wedding) is in December, about 2 months after my husband gets back from Iraq. I can't wait! I have no regrets about anything and you won't either. 

elizabethm4

Oh and to actually answer your question, sorry, we went to this really cool old courthouse for our JOP wedding, it was the two of us and one friend for a witness. It was great! Your ideas sound great too. I'm actually glad no one was there because it was really just about us, kind of symbolic of the rest of our lives together if you think about those kind of cheesy things (I do!). Then we spent the weekend together just relaxing, we got a nice hotel and ate good food and just spent time together. 

Bottom line is that many people have been very negative towards me about decisions I've made, so I really feel for you after reading these posts. For some reason people feel like they're going to know your husband better than you know him, and that it's any of their business in the first place. Some men cheat, some women cheat, is that any reason to not be excited about your relationship and your new marriage? NO. Don't let it get to you, the negativity (and actually witnessing it happen, which I have) still gets to me a lot but in the end it just makes you stronger in your commitment to each other. Congratulations and I hope you have a great wedding(s) and a happy marriage whatever you decide to do.

hbs2003

My FH deploys in June, and we went to the courthouse 2 weeks ago and got married. OUr wedding is in Sept 2011 so I will be planning while he is gone. neither of us wanted to wait and we are using money he saves from deployment for the wedding so it made sense to us to go ahead and do it this way, plus ill get put under insurance adn power of attorney and what not....  but do what you are comfortable with and what u really want to do. personally it was the right decision for me but may not be for everybody.

Kimburrr

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_military-brides_question-married-knotties-hang-out-here?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:13Discussion:f201ea60-8c6d-43ca-b6a0-8073957258aaPost:ed754de9-98ae-4ea2-b441-d37115f405ff">Re: Question to the married knotties that hang out here</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh and to actually answer your question, sorry, we went to this really cool old courthouse for our JOP wedding, it was the two of us and one friend for a witness. It was great! Your ideas sound great too. I'm actually glad no one was there because it was really just about us, kind of symbolic of the rest of our lives together if you think about those kind of cheesy things (I do!). Then we spent the weekend together just relaxing, we got a nice hotel and ate good food and just spent time together.  Bottom line is that many people have been very negative towards me about decisions I've made, so I really feel for you after reading these posts. For some reason people feel like they're going to know your husband better than you know him, and that it's any of their business in the first place. Some men cheat, some women cheat, is that any reason to not be excited about your relationship and your new marriage? NO. Don't let it get to you, the negativity (and actually witnessing it happen, which I have) still gets to me a lot but in the end it just makes you stronger in your commitment to each other. Congratulations and I hope you have a great wedding(s) and a happy marriage whatever you decide to do.
Posted by elizabethm4[/QUOTE]

agreed. my FI and I really dont care for attention and we especially dont care for a wedding because we dont want that attention. with that said i want to JOP, i told my FI the other day that it would be more symbolic with it just being US. thats so funny after i read this because i said about the same exact thing. Its about US and not anyone else. I feel that having a wedding (in my opinion) is just putting on a show for others.

I plan on JOPing this summer. Good luck on your wedding Jesi!!!