How much can you plan prior to the engagement???

treelover

Hi all,

I am not quite engaged yet.  My boyfriend and I have had "spring 2011" as tentative engagement period for several months now.  I wanted to be done with school mainly.  However, I still have a thesis to write!  As in this summer!

We envisioned an August 2011 wedding.  And a destination wedding at that up in WA.

My family knows the general game plan.  I'm getting several questions from each member about when is the tentative wedding date so they can ask off work.  I tell them I have no news until I'm engaged.

How much can really plan prior to the proposal?

I've got my dress, haven't looked at rings yet so I don't know what I like.  I know where we'll have the dinner, I know where the ceremony will be. 

I don't know when in spring he'll propose.  I have a feeling it will be while on a trip.  He said however he does it, it has to "define us."  We have a Feb. trip to Canada planned, but I don't think it'll be then.  We have another trip planned in May, but that's kind of late in regards to planning.

So my main concerin is giving people enough time to find logding at our destination.  I'm only inviting our immediate families and a couple of friends.  There are no hotels, just small B&Bs and cottages to rent.  I think 3 months notice is too short.  Places are starting the book up now.  Reserving things in advance for safe keeping costs 50% downpayment!

To top it off, we wanted to do the ceremony on the lawn of the family's summer house at this destination place.  However, it's available to ALL the family, so we have to pick out our weekend so that others don't book it first.  At least it's his father that does the booking!

How do you get the dates narrowed down and places booked before you are engaged?  I went ahead and emailed the place where we might want to have the dinner and August is already getting filled up too.

I understand the time issue, but I also dont feel it's right to do the engagement sooner just to appease everyone.  We had a pace that we discussed.

And, I have a thesis to write between now and then. Yargh!  I must have it done before I'm married. That's my requirement.  Don't know how long that will take but I'm shootingfor July.

bsidebella

Don't plan anything before the proposal. Sh*t happens.

GreenPepperBurger

Why do you have a dress and all these things planned out if you're not even engaged?

treelover

Luckily the dress was cheap off eBay!   I could always eBay it again. 

The rest are just ideas that WE have been discussing TOGETHER about how we want it.  Nothing is booked, settle down.  :P

GreenPepperBurger

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_much-can-plan-prior-engagement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:044c85d3-6976-42a5-9187-087a36ff0dfcPost:6d601d7c-982f-40da-be1a-bfc6cd801bfa">Re: How much can you plan prior to the engagement???</a>:
[QUOTE]Luckily the dress was cheap off eBay!   I could always eBay it again.  The rest are just ideas that WE have been discussing TOGETHER about how we want it.  <strong>Nothing is booked, settle down.  :P</strong>
Posted by treelover[/QUOTE]

My suggestion is to get weddings out of your mind because if you're not engaged by August 2011, you're going to be severely disappointed. Just chillax.

CASK85

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_much-can-plan-prior-engagement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:044c85d3-6976-42a5-9187-087a36ff0dfcPost:348d976d-5a7e-4c8e-bff9-eb2731b9ac28">How much can you plan prior to the engagement???</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi all, I am not quite engaged yet.  My boyfriend and I have had "spring 2011" as tentative engagement period for several months now.  I wanted to be done with school mainly.  However, I still have a thesis to write!  As in this summer! <strong>We envisioned an August 2011 wedding.  And a destination wedding at that up in WA.</strong> My family knows the general game plan.  I'm getting several questions from each member about when is the tentative wedding date so they can ask off work.  I tell them I have no news until I'm engaged. How much can really plan prior to the proposal? I've got my dress, haven't looked at rings yet so I don't know what I like.  I know where we'll have the dinner, I know where the ceremony will be.  I don't know when in spring he'll propose.  I have a feeling it will be while on a trip.  He said however he does it, it has to "define us."  We have a Feb. trip to Canada planned, but I don't think it'll be then.  We have another trip planned in May, but that's kind of late in regards to planning. So my main concerin is giving people enough time to find logding at our destination.  I'm only inviting our immediate families and a couple of friends.  There are no hotels, just small B&Bs and cottages to rent.  I think 3 months notice is too short.  Places are starting the book up now.  Reserving things in advance for safe keeping costs 50% downpayment! To top it off, we wanted to do the ceremony on the lawn of the family's summer house at this destination place.  However, it's available to ALL the family, so we have to pick out our weekend so that others don't book it first.  At least it's his father that does the booking! How do you get the dates narrowed down and places booked before you are engaged?  I went ahead and emailed the place where we might want to have the dinner and August is already getting filled up too. I understand the time issue, but I also dont feel it's right to do the engagement sooner just to appease everyone.  We had a pace that we discussed. And, I have a thesis to write between now and then. Yargh!  I must have it done before I'm married. That's my requirement.  Don't know how long that will take but I'm shootingfor July.
Posted by treelover[/QUOTE]<div>Is that 2 "weddings"? </div><div>
</div><div>And, don't pre-plan. It doesn't really help (take it from a reformed pre-planner now for real planner with ideas that didn't even come close to making it). 

</div>

CASK85

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_much-can-plan-prior-engagement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:044c85d3-6976-42a5-9187-087a36ff0dfcPost:17616cbe-72a0-4688-a88d-6bb8aac64943">Re: How much can you plan prior to the engagement???</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How much can you plan prior to the engagement??? : My suggestion is to get weddings out of your mind because if you're not engaged by August 2011, you're going to be severely disappointed. Just chillax.
Posted by GreenPepperBurger[/QUOTE]
GPB, you better sellte down :-P

SeaTea02

The answer to your question is it is not appropriate to plan anything before the engagement. That is like buying a coach for a house you don't own yet or have anywhere to put. 

If 3 months isn't enough time then you choose a different date. 

Why do you need to wait until spring to get engaged? Is this to afford a ring? Because you feel like it? I'm just curious why you have spring as your "time line" especially if you knew you wanted to get married 3 months later. 

Again, stop planning. Don't choose another date now, but when you are engaged if your time line doesn't work then find another time. Like bside said, sh*t happens. 

motoLyn

Well I have yet to meet ONE person that successfully planned a wedding BEFORE being engaged. 

How about priorities like finish your thesis, get engaged and THEN PLAN A WEDDING.  I'm in the same boat, I have a thesis to finish, but I'm engaged and don't plan on planning my wedding till a little later.  PP are right when they tell you things change.  Ideas change, plans change.  Taking on too much at one time and having no foundation set will cause you to make mistakes.  Stop planning. 

bsidebella

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_much-can-plan-prior-engagement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:044c85d3-6976-42a5-9187-087a36ff0dfcPost:6d601d7c-982f-40da-be1a-bfc6cd801bfa">Re: How much can you plan prior to the engagement???</a>:
[QUOTE]Luckily the dress was cheap off eBay!   I could always eBay it again.  The rest are just ideas that WE have been discussing TOGETHER about how we want it.  Nothing is booked, settle down.  :P
Posted by treelover[/QUOTE]

Discussing is totally okay; we've all done that. But we really advise against planning before the proposal. That'll get you slapped with a "b*tch be crazy" label. Things happen, your tastes change. Unexpected expenses can crop up. You might have your heart set on something and it might not even happen. So why don't <em>you</em> "settle down"? Enjoy what you have right now and don't rush the proposal.

SeaTea02

settle down?? 

Do you want to know why her answer was kind of snarky? It is because we deal with people like you all the time asking US if it is okay to "pre-plan". When we say no, you get defensive.

Just because you have your BF's input doesn't make pre-planning okay. You are either engaged, or not. 

CASK85

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_much-can-plan-prior-engagement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:044c85d3-6976-42a5-9187-087a36ff0dfcPost:f1ede348-1180-498e-8c30-b585418b6ad9">Re: How much can you plan prior to the engagement???</a>:
[QUOTE]Also, having a dress is basically booking something, FWIW.
Posted by sunbird627[/QUOTE]
<div>Psh, no it isn't! People buy and sell wedding dresses like stocks on the market! </div>

GreenPepperBurger

Also--and I don't know about anyone else--but I would feel embarrassed if family were asking me what date to take off for my wedding, and telling them "I won't know until I'm engaged."

calindi

While I definitely agree you shouldn't pre-plan, if you've both talked about getting married in August, it's about time to have a serious conversation with him.

Basically, while you may not have a ring and a proposal, do you both consider yourselves engaged?  Is he willing and able to say "we're engaged, but we just don't have a ring yet, and I'd like to propose at some point"?  Because that's what it sounds like you're saying - it's just important to make sure that's what he's thinking, too.

Most couples now have made the decision jointly to get married long before a proposal ever happens.  But there's a big difference between "we'll get married someday" and "let's start putting down deposits and booking vendors, we're getting married on THIS date!"  If you're both 100% certain you're getting married and it will be in August, you guys might just want to discuss just being engaged and having a proposal later.  It's sort of a superfluous gesture for most couples - romantic, but the actual decision to marry was already made.

With a destination wedding, it's important to let people know when it will be so they can make arrangements ahead of time.  If he's not planning on proposing in the next month or two, it might be more difficult.

treelover

One wedding.

The dress can be dyed and be an awesome summer dress.  I am not worried about that.  It was cheap.  Besides I knew a lady who bought a dress years ago and didn't even have a boyfriend.  It's not like booking a venue!

August was chosen because of the weather.  Spring was chosen because I was nearly done with school, but now it's probably summer (with school).

I think my mistake was sharing our tentative plans outloud with relatives.  You know - people ask what's going on with us, how serious are you, yadda yadda, I share, then they ask whent's the date!  That was my mistake, but also kind of hard to keep to yourself.  I told them to back off (nicely), nothing is planned prior to the engagement.  So that's probably where the stress is coming in that you feel in my post!

Yeah, I don't think I can throw it together in 3 months if he even asked in May. 

paintgirl

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_much-can-plan-prior-engagement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:044c85d3-6976-42a5-9187-087a36ff0dfcPost:6d601d7c-982f-40da-be1a-bfc6cd801bfa">Re: How much can you plan prior to the engagement???</a>:
[QUOTE], settle down.  :P
Posted by treelover[/QUOTE]

Hi Pot, meet Kettle. Really, calm down. If the timeline doesn't work for an August wedding, BFD. Have a September wedding. Or October. Or - gasp - the following June!

Down girl. Down.

CASK85

I don't think I'd want to just "throw together" my wedding. I'm not the kind of girl who wants/needs/is having an extravagant wedding, but I'd still like to put some time and thought and effort (beyond 3 months of throwing it together) into the day that marks a major committment. Not to mention family and friends travelling deserve a little more than last minute. 

What I'm saying is, just push back your tentative date. What is the rush? You'll be happier in the long run.

Wrkn925

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_much-can-plan-prior-engagement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:044c85d3-6976-42a5-9187-087a36ff0dfcPost:9444783e-fb62-4d90-8631-c3098b5a0b59">Re: How much can you plan prior to the engagement???</a>:
[QUOTE]The answer to your question is it is not appropriate to plan anything before the engagement. That is like buying a <strong>coach</strong> for a house you don't own yet or have anywhere to put.  If 3 months isn't enough time then you choose a different date.  Why do you need to wait until spring to get engaged? Is this to afford a ring? Because you feel like it? I'm just curious why you have spring as your "time line" especially if you knew you wanted to get married 3 months later.  Again, stop planning. Don't choose another date now,  but when you are engaged if your time line doesn't work then find another time. Like bside said, sh*t happens. 
Posted by SeaTea02[/QUOTE]

I want you to know if took me WAY too long to figure this out.
I was thinking "Why do you have to own a house to buy a purse?  Is your closet that small?  Those things are ugly anyway."


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Wrkn925

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_much-can-plan-prior-engagement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:044c85d3-6976-42a5-9187-087a36ff0dfcPost:055ccc62-0b26-4c05-9758-e00bdf4327d4">Re: How much can you plan prior to the engagement???</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How much can you plan prior to the engagement??? : Hi Pot, meet Kettle. Really, calm down. If the timeline doesn't work for an August wedding, BFD. Have a September wedding. Or October. Or - gasp - the following June! Down girl. Down.
Posted by paintgirl[/QUOTE]

Did you get my PM? 

treelover

I think you all did a great job reminding me that I don't have to cater to peoples' vacation schedules.  It stresses a girl out.  I shared our general game plan with others and he shares it too, but that's about it.  Yes, and we may have to do it next year if need be.  It's going to be small and low key, but lodging for my family is the main constraint as it needs to be done in advance.  Plus with an interderminate schedule for finishing my thesis, it may just have to be that way.  August is the least rainiest season at the destination, and we wanted it out doors on the lawn.

GreenPepperBurger

The world isn't ending until December 2012. You have plenty of time.

Beads921

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_much-can-plan-prior-engagement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:044c85d3-6976-42a5-9187-087a36ff0dfcPost:e228d37f-401f-476c-a088-7a29a9dc5fb9">Re: How much can you plan prior to the engagement???</a>:
[QUOTE]The world isn't ending until December 2012. You have plenty of time.
Posted by GreenPepperBurger[/QUOTE]

<div>Excellent point, GPB. </div>

hetshup

All I read was "blah blah blah, I'm a crazy person, yaddah yaddah yaddah"

Stop planning your wedding, you are not engaged. Sell the dress back and sit on your hands. Being engaged is the time in which you plan a wedding. It's not rocket science. Simmer. 

skyler1108

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_much-can-plan-prior-engagement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:044c85d3-6976-42a5-9187-087a36ff0dfcPost:348d976d-5a7e-4c8e-bff9-eb2731b9ac28">How much can you plan prior to the engagement???</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi all, I am not quite engaged yet.  My boyfriend and I have had "spring 2011" as tentative engagement period for several months now.  I wanted to be done with school mainly.  However, I still have a thesis to write!  As in this summer! We envisioned an August 2011 wedding.  And a destination wedding at that up in WA. My family knows the general game plan.  I'm getting several questions from each member about when is the tentative wedding date so they can ask off work.  I tell them I have no news until I'm engaged. How much can really plan prior to the proposal? <strong>I've got my dress, haven't looked at rings yet so I don't know what I like.  I know where we'll have the dinner, I know where the ceremony will be. </strong>I don't know when in spring he'll propose.  I have a feeling it will be while on a trip.  He said however he does it, it has to "define us."  We have a Feb. trip to Canada planned, but I don't think it'll be then.  We have another trip planned in May, but that's kind of late in regards to planning. So my main concern is giving people enough time to find lodging at our destination.  I'm only inviting our immediate families and a couple of friends.  There are no hotels, just small B&Bs and cottages to rent.  I think 3 months notice is too short.  Places are starting the book up now.  Reserving things in advance for safe keeping costs 50% downpayment! To top it off, we wanted to do the ceremony on the lawn of the family's summer house at this destination place.  However, it's available to ALL the family, so we have to pick out our weekend so that others don't book it first.  At least it's his father that does the booking! <strong>How do you get the dates narrowed down and places booked before you are engaged?  I went ahead and emailed the place where we might want to have the dinner and August is already getting filled up too.</strong>I understand the time issue, but I also dont feel it's right to do the engagement sooner just to appease everyone.  We had a pace that we discussed. And, I have a thesis to write between now and then. Yargh!  I must have it done before I'm married. That's my requirement.  Don't know how long that will take but I'm shootingfor July.
Posted by treelover[/QUOTE]

First to answer your question on how do you book places without being engaged? The answer is you don't. So much can happen between even now and spring that you might not be able to have your wedding on the date that you want because there is guarantee that you will be engaged this spring. You should NOT be contacting or booking venues when you are not engaged.

As for the rest of this stuff, these are allthings you should not be doing before you get engaged. You bought your wedding dress already? It doesn't matter how cheap it was or how cute it would be dyed the fact of the matter is you bought a dress with the intention to wear it as your wedding dress before you are engaged. You did not buy it for the other reasons. That makes you BSC.

It is one thing to look and dream about things. It is a different thing to do what you are doing. You have the right idea to tell people that you can not give them a day to take off because you are not engaged but the rest of the stuff is so far out in left field. The fact of the matter is you have pretty much planned your wedding, contacted venues, bought your wedding dress and want to book things without being engaged. This makes you 100% BSC.

I do not know how you think this is ok. I would think that you would get that when you tell people about your wedding dress and they ask "when's the big day?". To which you respond "oh I'm not engaged yet."  and they give you the side eye but I guess you didn't get the hint on that one.  

AudgiePodge

Do what you want and who cares what everyone thinks! It's not like you posted a thread looking for actual advice, just some validation..

desertsun

You can plan or book anything you want before you're engaged. I personally don't agree with that, but no one can stop you.

You just run the risk of NOT getting engaged in time for your wedding.

Keep in mind that talking about something a year or more out is one thing.

Seeing it approaching in a couple months? Reality hits.

He may KNOW he wants to marry you, but feel a lot of pressure with a deadline of sorts starting to loom.

Pressure is not conducive to a proposal you can BOTH feel good about.

So, just check in with BF and make sure you're on the same page. Sometimes with my husband, I have to connect the dots for him. "You realize that if we want to get married in August, I need about 5 months to plan, and that puts a proposal sometime before the end of May. You sure you're ready for that?" He really doesn't think things through like that sometimes. Maybe your guy is similar.

Also, keep in mind that YOU guys get to decide how you want to get engaged. There is no rule saying you have to have a traditional proposal with a ring. If you want to just decide you're engaged without a ring or traditional proposal, that's your prerogative, and IMO, completely valid. And then you can plan to your heart's content.

Again, you just need to talk to your BF.

GL and keep us updated.

treelover

Thanks for all the reality check in the form of kind and not so kind words.  Like the other poster said, dresses are bought and sold like stocks.  I don't feel that was crazy at all.  I was exploring costs, time frames (and I see things are booked quickily - which is GOOD to know) for future refernece bewteen semesters when I have some down time.  I had no clue how it went, so now I have learned something for future READ planning.  I wasn't about to put money on lodging or restauarants no matter how it came across.  Yes, THAT would be crazy.

CASK85

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_much-can-plan-prior-engagement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:044c85d3-6976-42a5-9187-087a36ff0dfcPost:255ea00a-259a-44b4-869e-1b4a445af99d">Re: How much can you plan prior to the engagement???</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for all the reality check in the form of kind and not so kind words.  L<strong>ike the other poster said, dresses are bought and sold like stocks</strong>.  I don't feel that was crazy at all.  I was exploring costs, time frames (and I see things are booked quickily - which is GOOD to know) for future refernece bewteen semesters when I have some down time.  I had no clue how it went, so now I have learned something for future READ planning.  I wasn't about to put money on lodging or restauarants no matter how it came across.  Yes, THAT would be crazy.
Posted by treelover[/QUOTE]
whoa, that was me. . .and I was JOKING! jesus. 

skyler1108

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_much-can-plan-prior-engagement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:044c85d3-6976-42a5-9187-087a36ff0dfcPost:3a96b631-8e05-4558-987b-8999524ced3f">Re: How much can you plan prior to the engagement???</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you all did a great job reminding me that I don't have to cater to peoples' vacation schedules.  It stresses a girl out.  I shared our general game plan with others and he shares it too, but that's about it.  Yes, and <strong>we may have to do it next year </strong>if need be.  It's going to be small and low key, but lodging for my family is the main constraint as it needs to be done in advance.  Plus with an interderminate schedule for finishing my thesis, it may just have to be that way.  August is the least rainiest season at the destination, and we wanted it out doors on the lawn.
Posted by treelover[/QUOTE]

This needs to be your plan. You are not engaged which means you should not have a date set. That is something you do after you get married. IF you get engaged this spring then you can decide if you can pull an August wedding off. That is the point that you start contacting places. If you can not do it in that time frame then you set that date for August of 2012.

Either way I think you should push it off until next year just to give people more time to plan. I gave my OOT guest almost 2 years notice.

jemmini6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_much-can-plan-prior-engagement?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:044c85d3-6976-42a5-9187-087a36ff0dfcPost:255ea00a-259a-44b4-869e-1b4a445af99d">Re: How much can you plan prior to the engagement???</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for all the reality check in the form of kind and not so kind words.  Like the other poster said, dresses are bought and sold like stocks.  I don't feel that was crazy at all.  I was exploring costs, time frames (and I see things are booked quickily - which is GOOD to know) for future refernece bewteen semesters when I have some down time.  I had no clue how it went, so now I have learned something for future READ planning.  <strong>I wasn't about to put money on lodging or restauarants no matter how it came across.</strong>  Yes, THAT would be crazy.
Posted by treelover[/QUOTE]

I'm confused...in your first post, you asked how to book venues before you're engaged (which generally always requires a deposit) and now you are saying you weren't about to put money down? 

I'm hoping you've just realized through this post that you don't need to pre-plan anything before you are engaged (which you can be w/o a ring, all you need is a mutual decision that you are engaged).

For some more points though, please read the sticky.  There's a lot of good reasonings as to why you shouldn't pre-plan and just enjoy your relationship now...

skyler1108

I do not get how you do not feel crazy buying your WEDDING DRESS when there is NO WEDDING or ENGAGEMENT.

This is pretty much as crazy as it gets.

This makes about as much sense as buying baby clothes when there is no baby on the way. I do not buy baby stuff just because I want to have a baby some day.