Am I wrong for being annoyed at this? (vent sorry long)

EhTb4evr

So here's my situation...BF and I are not officially "engaged" yet but we have been talking about it and we know we are going to get married. With that being said, he already has both of my rings (they were passed down to him from his family) and I already have his ring. I've gone to bridal expos and whatnot (with his blessing) to please FMIL but it was always really awkward with the vendors staring at my ringless hand..

anyways, here is my issue. We have the rings, we've talked about a LOT of details of the wedding that we would want..but, he always says he's not ready to make that kind of commitment just yet.

recently this past weekend we were out car shopping and of course the one he loves is about twice his budget so he looks at me and makes a snarky comment that if we were engaged/married that i could just buy it for him...which im assuming was supposed to be funny....but i found nothing funny about it...

am i just being too sensitive? I personally think it was kind of out of line....sorry im just annoyed!

heyimbren

I think there's a bigger issue here than the comment he made.

It sounds like you two need to sit down and discuss where your relationship is REALLY at, and what your timeline is like.

Honestly, I think it's ridiculous that he's encouraging you to go to bridal shows and whatnot when he says he isn't ready for that kind of a commitment yet. So, I think I'd be confused as to his comments as well.

I suggest you sit down and have this discussion with him, and then set yourself some limits when it comes to wedding planning. There's no point in researching a wedding if he isn't ready for that commitment right now, regardless of what he or his mother says.

AudgiePodge

No, I would be miffed too. I would have told him to STFU and to buy something he could afford.

EhTb4evr

Audgie- That's almost exactly what i said, actually!!

Bren- I agree, I'm really a little tired of trying to figure what him motives are and what to expect!

heyimbren

I saw you posted this as well

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-being-seriousright?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:8aebe21b-3762-4c2d-bb78-83fe57a601ffPost:9a421593-aa06-4ee1-92e8-5e1fc98ea288">Re: You're not being serious..right?</a>:
[QUOTE]my bf is that way too! Only...with drums.. he has 4 drum sets oh and 2 electric drum sets..our neighbors must hate us lol .
Posted by EhTb4evr[/QUOTE]

And I just want to add something else:
Your BF does not seem to be very good with money (maybe I'm jumping to conclusions here) but you're talking about him spending all this money on drums, a car he can't afford, and wanting to marry you so he can afford this car. Finances are a HUGE issue in relationships, so quit planning the wedding and focus on making sure your relationship is a healthy one. Not only just because of his way of dealing with this potential engagement but his money as well.

ETA: Okay, so I saw a few of your other posts. Why are you calling your BF your FI in some posts, when he told you he wasn't ready to get married? Communication between you two is key, because you both seem to have very different ideas of where your relationship is at.

luvdncn90

You really just need to talk to him and make sure you are both on the same page. I would be pretty confused if BF said he wasn't ready to be married and then made a comment about how if we were married we could do this. That's when I would make a snarky comment back and be like "Well I am ready to be married, you're the one who wants to wait."

...don't say that though. That's bad advice.

But I agree with Bren. You aren't engaged yet. It doesn't hurt to look at things for fun but please don't doing major research until the engagement.

EhTb4evr

Thanks ladies!
 
Bren, he is actually very good with money, hes had his drums since maybe high school? or so? im not sure so if he needs new heads for them im not going to say no but thats not the point. a car and drums and completely different.

and i havnt planned anything actually, other then "oh this is the colors i think we should use" (which HE actually said?) or "id like to get married outside maybe in the summer" other than that..no real details.

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-wrong-being-annoyed-this-vent-sorry-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:047c8ba5-2122-48eb-8b94-97d62b77c974Post:55359cec-76b3-4a7f-b08f-617059bf97bf">Re: Am I wrong for being annoyed at this? (vent sorry long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks ladies!   Bren, he is actually very good with money, hes had his drums since maybe high school? or so? im not sure so if he needs new heads for them im not going to say no but thats not the point. a car and drums and completely different. and i havnt planned anything actually, other then "oh this is the colors i think we should use" (which HE actually said?) or "id like to get married outside maybe in the summer" other than that..no real details.
Posted by EhTb4evr[/QUOTE]

Talking about ceremony and reception details, your RB, programs, looking for a venue, picking out your music: that's all planning.

ETA: I wouldn't listen to my BF if he said we should pick colours while telling me he wasn't ready for the commitment yet.

EhTb4evr

ok, thanks!

marleylikeair

EhTb, these gals have given really good advice.

For the record, I'd be annoyed at a comment like that, too. On the flip side, if I had that kind of attitude about money with my BF, he'd be really annoyed with me. He'd be very worried that I was more interested in his money than him. Since I don't, and since I truly want to pay my own way, he doesn't mind taking me out sometimes, or buying me a very generous Christmas present. But if I *expected* these things, or thought I was entitled to them once we are married (someday), he'd run the other way, fast.

My BF is a drum builder and I can tell you that if he's had the same drums since high school, he does need new heads. If he's not gigging professionally, though, he doesn't need the most expensive ones. And if he's not gigging professionally, and can't afford other basic essentials and new heads on top of that, then he doesn't need them, period.

SeaTea02

Do you make more money than him? IMO, that comment kind of sounds like he wants to use you. 

The day before FI proposed he was encouraging me to go to a bridal show and I wouldn't. You are absolutely right, the idea of it sounded awkward. I wouldn't go again if I were you until after you are engaged. It is a huge tease. 

leia1979

It sounds like you're not comfortable going to bridal shows, so don't go. If his mother complains, tell her you're waiting for her son to propose first. Even if you are engaged, that seems like an odd thing to make her happy.

Definitely speak to your BF about the very mixed signals you're getting. And the comment about the car isn't funny. I don't see how being engaged makes it okay for you to buy him a car. I'd tell him to buy his own damn car. But that's probably not helpful advice.  ; )

jeanacorina

Number one, I would stop going to bridal shows and anything else wedding-related. He said he's not ready for the commitment, so BELIEVE HIM. If he encourages you, tell him you feel awkward going to events for brides when you aren't yet a bride. Don't you want to save some of the excitement for when you're engaged? Let that time be special, don't play pretend now.

Number two, guys don't think weddings are a big deal. My DH was encouraging me before we were engaged as well. It wasn't until I came to this forum and realized he was asking me to put the cart before the horse that I put my foot down and told him "Sure, I'll talk weddings with you. When we're engaged."

Marriage, on the other hand, IS a big deal to guys. Usually. They see the two things as very different. Party vs. lifetime commitment. And in a way, guys are right on the money there. The wedding IS just a party. But to women, it's THE party that begins the rest of your lives together. See how we tend to link the two together and guys kind of don't always do that?

THAT is why he's encouraging you to act like a bride. Because to him, it's no biggie. But obviously it IS a biggie to you. So tell him that and tell him to save all that wedding stuff for the engagement.

Then kick back, relax, and enjoy your relationship in its present state until he decides he's ready for the commitment. That might be soon, or it might not. But at least you won't be going to bridal shows for the next 5 years and REALLY making vendors scratch their heads.

misskrysbaby

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-wrong-being-annoyed-this-vent-sorry-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:047c8ba5-2122-48eb-8b94-97d62b77c974Post:8d788359-085b-49a8-97a9-0b41031e6030">Re: Am I wrong for being annoyed at this? (vent sorry long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Number one, I would stop going to bridal shows and anything else wedding-related. He said he's not ready for the commitment, so BELIEVE HIM. If he encourages you, tell him you feel awkward going to events for brides when you aren't yet a bride. Don't you want to save some of the excitement for when you're engaged? Let that time be special, don't play pretend now. Number two, guys don't think weddings are a big deal. My DH was encouraging me before we were engaged as well. It wasn't until I came to this forum and realized he was asking me to put the cart before the horse that I put my foot down and told him "Sure, I'll talk weddings with you. When we're engaged." Marriage, on the other hand, IS a big deal to guys. Usually. They see the two things as very different. Party vs. lifetime commitment. And in a way, guys are right on the money there. The wedding IS just a party. <strong>But to women, it's THE party that begins the rest of your lives together. See how we tend to link the two together and guys kind of don't always do that?</strong> THAT is why he's encouraging you to act like a bride. Because to him, it's no biggie. But obviously it IS a biggie to you. So tell him that and tell him to save all that wedding stuff for the engagement. Then kick back, relax, and enjoy your relationship in its present state until he decides he's ready for the commitment. That might be soon, or it might not. But at least you won't be going to bridal shows for the next 5 years and REALLY making vendors scratch their heads.
Posted by jeanacorina[/QUOTE]

THIS. I don't think your BF is on the same page as you are when it comes to how YOU feel about a wedding and how HE feels.

Blue & White

I'd be pretty confused.  Mainly the why the heck would you go to bridal shows with FMIL if...she's NOT your FMIL yet?  I mean, I love my BF's mom but I don't go wedding dress shopping with her (and probably wouldn't even in we were engaged, honestly...)

But yea, the car comment?  I'd be mainly concerned that a) that was a crappy comment cause he knows you're on edge about it and b) finances are tricky - I expect my boyfriend to be financially responsible - the comment didn't really strike me as that.

EhTb4evr

Thanks ladies for all of the advice! and to answer a few questions..... he actually makes MORE than I do so like i said if he wants to buy a new drum head i have no issue with it. They're not that expensive so it will surely not blow his bank account. trust me. and no, neither one of us are using eachother for our money, we are both responsible adults with finances, although i can see how some of you were confused about it with what comment he made to me.

I actually talked to him last night about it and he knows now that it was wrong of him to make a comment like that and he's going to talk to his mother about backing off about all the wedding business, after all- its OUR wedding, not hers. she can help plan but when we are ready.

the odd part about it, (and no, this isnt MUD i'm completely serious) is that when we went to dinner last night to talk about the whole situation, he actually proposed!

so once again ladies thank you for everything! if nothing else, you all gave me some really good advice about talking to him/his family. much appreciated!

EhTb4evr

oh ps-
leia, i love your "get off my lawn" pic! it made me laugh!

leia1979

Aww thanks!

So, are congratulations in order? He proposed, so did you say yes?

EhTb4evr

i did!!!!

marleylikeair

Well, congrats, lady!

EhTb4evr

thank you!!