I think my mom just suggested I give BF an ultimatum... (LONG-ish)

flygirlmeg

So, BF and I have been together almost 2 1/2 years (very happily!), living together for the past year and a half.  Have our "son" aka "the practice kid" - our handsome yellow lab Hogan.  We lead a fantastic life together and are very committed to each other and want to eventually get married & have kids. 

I should say, getting engaged is something we've talked a lot about.  Short story, I'm ready.  He isn't.  I don't want him to be rushed so I just let it be - at least 99.5% of the time (I get weak sometimes!).  I figure he'll do it when he's ready.

Soooo . . . my mom and I were just talking about how things are with BF and I.  He and I have recently been talking about be going off the pill (or any other hormonal bc) and switching to condoms so I was talking with her about that.  While I think this is a great idea for my health, all she was worried about was what if we got pregnant without being married.  I understand her concern . . . anyway, we continued the conversation.  I told her about some conversations he and I have been having about marriage/engagement/etc and she just doesn't get why he's "not ready" yet.  She feels like that's just an excuse.  Excuse for what?  I have no idea. 
THEEEENNN, she brings up when my sister left her now-husband for a few months a couple years ago.  They had been together for a few years, weren't living together, and she wanted to get married but he wasn't doing anything.  So she decided to "give him time" to figure his stuff out.  Eventually they got back together and they got married earlier this year.  So my mom brought that up and said basically, "that seemed to get things moving with them so maybe that would work." 

WTF mom?!!?  Really?  An ultimatum?  I love my mom and we're very close.  She loves BF too (even if she IS irritated that he hasn't proposed).  I can't even believe she would suggest something like that.  To me, an ultimatum is like holding gun to someone's head as they said their vows.  Awful!!  I explained to her that I feel that's like blackmail and am not that kind of person.  I'm just so uncomfortable that she even thought that. 

Not really sure what to say to her to make her more comfortable with the fact that BF and I are happy and committed to each other and our lives together . . . any suggestions?  Also, I REALLY want to take to BF about this - he's my best friend - but my gut is telling me to just keep it between mom and I (and you girls!).  Go with the gut on this one?

peekaboo2011

I say go with your gut on this one.  Seriously.  If I were him, and you brought it up, whether you were annoyed with her or not about the whole thing, I'd feel the pressure.  And you don't want to harm their relationship.

Mom's are silly sometimes.

flygirlmeg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_think-mom-just-suggested-give-bf-ultimatum-long-ish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:09b70223-e399-4f6c-9ba7-e28c3cd85dfdPost:ee922cb1-7470-46ca-9ed1-a67ad79fa60c">Re: I think my mom just suggested I give BF an ultimatum... (LONG-ish)</a>:
[QUOTE]I say go with your gut on this one.  Seriously.  If I were him, and you brought it up, whether you were annoyed with her or not about the whole thing, I'd feel the pressure.  And you don't want to harm their relationship. Mom's are silly sometimes.
Posted by peekaboo2011[/QUOTE]

Yes, I was thinking that.  Guess my gut is there for a reason!!  And at the end of the day, I love my mom, just not that silly idea!

bethsmiles

My mom pretty much told me to give BF an ultimatum 2 weeks ago. I just told her that this is the way we've decided to do things and we don't feel the need to rush. My mom is the worst when it comes to the questions about why we aren't engaged and when we are getting married. It is really frustrating sometimes but I've learned to just ignore her for the most part. I know she has good intentions but BF and I know better than her what is right for us.

BF prefers that I not tell him about the pressure my mom gives me sometimes, which is fine with me. It's easier to just forget than discuss it and put that pressure on him. I agree with peek - go with your gut on this one.

kaitlynmichelle

I also agree, don't bring it up.  I think that ultimatums are a terrible idea.  I can totally understand the impatience, but I don't think that mentioning this to your BF will help.  

My BF's mom brings up marriage/kids a lot lately, and it drives us nuts.   I know he feels the pressure from his mom/everyone else who asks him why he hasn't proposed yet, and he's told me it upsets him since we just aren't financially stable enough to consider planning a wedding.   I hate that he feels guilty about not asking yet.  So I just try to keep those kinds of conversations to myself.

Peaseblossom55

I agree with PP ultimatums never are a good idea, especially in a relationship your gut is right.  I am in the same place as you.  I had dinner with my mom last night and I was talking about BF & I.  While she hasn't told me to give any ultimatums, she does keep saying she thinks he will do it by xmas.  She doesn't hold any special inside information she swore she didn't. It's annoying because I'm 95% sure it will not happen by then.   She is trying to be helpful, but in a way it's not.  I am sure she just cares and wants to see you guys together.

Blue & White

Yep, Miss flygirl, I think your gut is right.  And your mom is crazy on this ONE point   Ultimatums can really only lead to resentment, so I think you're doing just fine the way you are. 

That being said, I'm SUPER paranoid about being pregnant so I'd be horrified to go off hormonal BC (and probably won't until the very last second, because it actually HELPS one of my diseases that has nothing to DO with pregnancy, silly body).  But you're a big girl now - if you get pregnant out of wedlock, you'll deal with it appropriately and probably more healthily than some people that get pregnant after marriage. 

I wouldn't worry about it unless BF was actively trying NOT to get married to you.  In which case I might re-evaluate things, but it doesn't sound like this from this end.

Lil B Mama

I agree that it's probably a good idea to keep this convo between you and your mother. Telling him could affect his opinion of your mother, even if only in a small way. No one likes to hear that someone doesn't repect their needs, especially when it comes to engagement rediness. There are a few things my grandmother has said that I wish I didn't tell my BF. Like how she gave me a fake diamond ring to wear when I went out with my son so I wouldn't feel "embarrassed" about being an un-wed mother. She honestly meant well, but he didn't see it that way. It made him feel pressured and kind of lousy that he hadn't been able to get me a ring yet. That day I learned it's best not to share that kind of conversation with the BF as he may be more upset by it than you think.

elannis

I agree to go with your gut and not bring it up. I did that with FI once and he admitted it did make him feel pressured just knowing that she felt that he was taking too long.

He'll ask when he's ready. With my FI, we had a talk about what he was expecting and what I was expecting and our reasons for waiting versus why we're ready. I think it helped him to sort things out and know where I was coming from and he ended up proposing a month later. Who knows, maybe he was just doing all that to throw me off, but I think communication without pressure is always the way to go. I told him exactly how I was feeling and then told him I wouldn't bring it up again and didn't want him to mention anything about marriage until he was ready for it, lol. So I said what I wanted and then dropped it, I guess.

paintgirl

I wouldn't tell him. My mom is crazy and when I was visiting her last she took me to a restaurant that also happens to have a very nice wedding venue. I was frustrated by her sleazy move (the nice lunch was only to talk about weddings - for no reason) and I told bf about it and how annoyed I was. He was actually kind of p*ssed at my mom. They only see each other once a year or so and I don't want any bad feelings between them, so I won't bring that stuff up again. I'll just vent to the OG and keep it moving.

paintgirl

As for your sister's experience, sometimes having a bambino can prompt marriage too, but not for the right reason!

If you're comfortable in your relationship, ignore the doubters. And condoms are pretty reliable these days. It's not like your teenagers who have never used them. Just be committed to using them.

Lots of OG girls will tell you to chart your cycles too so you can avoid sex when you're most likely to be ovulating.

KatyRoseM

I wouldn't talk to him about it, what would that help? 

On the other hand your mom might not see this as an ultimatum, she might see it as giving space during a conversation to think about what you both want.  I think she is wrong, but the phrasing sounds like something could be happening differently in her head. 

karlee4ever

Im sorry! Definitely keep btw you and your mom I learned this the hard way.

NurseyK

I'd tell your mom that when the time is right, it will happen. That it's between the two of you, and quite frankly, not her concern.

Also, knowing that she will have one, if you don't want her opinion on you going off of the pill, then don't tel her about it.

Just sayin.

polkadot111

I'm with the others. Don't talk to bf about it. Just leave it alone. I feel like 1)that would hurt his feelings that the momma wants you to leave him for a bit. and 2)he'd feel so pressured into proposing out of fear. Bad idea all around, I think.

CCO2012

I think this is normal for most moms. My mom keeps giving me crap about still being NEY after living together for nearly a year. I'll admit I'm a little surprised that we still are NEY, but I know it is coming. I think older generations just don't understand younger ones. Older generations decided they were going to be together and just got married. The End. I think we put a lot more thought into things now with the divorce rates etc. I'd definitely keep the conversations to yourself and us, but I'd definitely talk to BF about what if you got pregnant. What would the plan be?

DanieKA

My mom is sort of the opposite. She'd love some grandkids! The marriage would be just be icing on the cake. Haha! 

But I agree with pp's. I think it's okay for mom's to get a little impatient, just like every girl does occasionally. I think a lot of mom's who have girls think about their daughter's wedding and who the man will be that she will marry. But, and this is a huge but, it's still your life, your relationship, your lifelong commitment. The only one who'd be hurt by rushing anything in your relationship is you. So don't buckle to the pressure to take things any faster than you want to. 

Good luck. Be patient with your mom, but let her know that you and your BF know what's best for your relationship. At the end of the day, you'll still be married. 5 years, 10 years, 15 years down the road, she (or you) isn't going to look back and be like, "Arrrhhhh, they should have gotten married a year or 2 sooner!" That would just seem silly. 

elannis

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_think-mom-just-suggested-give-bf-ultimatum-long-ish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:09b70223-e399-4f6c-9ba7-e28c3cd85dfdPost:e633902e-cbd6-41af-8362-fa45dc791818">Re: I think my mom just suggested I give BF an ultimatum... (LONG-ish)</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>My mom is sort of the opposite. She'd love some grandkids! The marriage would be just be icing on the cake</strong>. Haha!  But I agree with pp's. I think it's okay for mom's to get a little impatient, just like every girl does occasionally. I think a lot of mom's who have girls think about their daughter's wedding and who the man will be that she will marry. But, and this is a huge but, it's still your life, your relationship, your lifelong commitment. The only one who'd be hurt by rushing anything in your relationship is you. So don't buckle to the pressure to take things any faster than you want to.  Good luck. Be patient with your mom, but let her know that you and your BF know what's best for your relationship. At the end of the day, you'll still be married. 5 years, 10 years, 15 years down the road, she (or you) isn't going to look back and be like, "Arrrhhhh, they should have gotten married a year or 2 sooner!" That would just seem silly. 
Posted by DanieKA[/QUOTE]


Both my mom and FI's mom want us to get married, but ultimately what they want are grandkids, lol. When we told FI's mom we got engaged, first she cried, but when she recovered, the first thing she said was "One step closer to grandkids!" lol. I really don't see that happening in the next 2 years at least though. I imagine I'll be 27 or 28 (am 24 now, 25 in a month) when we start TTC so, it's not too far off, but they're impatient, lol.

karlee4ever

Hmm. I dont know who jelybean is but that was my comment. TK is just a lil confused today

flygirlmeg

I feel so much better after reading all these posts this morning!  I was kind of upset about my conversation with her last night.  Not only did it really surprise me that she would suggest that but it also made me feel like she doesn't really take our relationship seriously since we're not married.  I agree with so many of you that, to her, it might seem marriage is the end all and be all.  To me, it's just one part of our journey together. 

Glad my gut was right!  I definitely plan on keeping this convo between she and I.  I don't want BF to feel uncomfortable, pressured, that she doesn't respect him, or anything like that.  I AM glad that she and I have a close relationship and can talk pretty openly about things but I'm thinking this might be one subject I might want to steer away from in future conversations!

Beads921

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_think-mom-just-suggested-give-bf-ultimatum-long-ish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:09b70223-e399-4f6c-9ba7-e28c3cd85dfdPost:e633902e-cbd6-41af-8362-fa45dc791818">Re: I think my mom just suggested I give BF an ultimatum... (LONG-ish)</a>:
[QUOTE] At the end of the day, you'll still be married. 5 years, 10 years, 15 years down the road, she (or you) isn't going to look back and be like, "Arrrhhhh, they should have gotten married a year or 2 sooner!" That would just seem silly. 
Posted by DanieKA[/QUOTE]

BF has known this man his whole life, and he hassles us everytime he sees us about getting married. One of the last times we were there, he starts rambling on about how the only regret he has about getting married is not having done it sooner. Thanks for the not-so-subtle-tip, a$$hole. I avoid this guy at all costs.

But I digress...I'd probably just ignore your mother (she be crazay) and don't bring it up to BF either. It's all kind of silly. Ultimatums are not good news.

wink0erin

My mom also says things that make me go o_O

She wants grandkids, but wants me to be married first, primarily because she is afraid of what my grandma would think. Actually, she originally disapproved of me moving in with BF because she was worried about what Grandma would say if she found out.

Mom has also said she hopes BF proposes soon. Obviously I hope so too, but I'm not bothered to wait. I want BF to do it when HE'S ready, not when everyone else says he should be ready.

Mom has also thrown around ideas for my future wedding, anywhere from "have it at X location! They offer X, X and X and it costs about $X." to "You should elope, weddings suck." I'm sure she will be fun to deal with when the time comes.

BF's mom has made it known that she absolutely can't wait for us to tie the knot and have grandbabies. She has introduced me to her friends as "hopeful future daughter in law." She calls our dog our "daughter" and her "grandpuppy." To be fair, BF and I call her our dog-ter anyway, haha. BF always rolls his eyes and says "Mommmm" whenever she says something embarassing like that.

I think moving in with BF made our moms even more antsy and excited, which makes me feel a bit antsy and I'm sure it makes BF feel weird.

bethsmiles

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_think-mom-just-suggested-give-bf-ultimatum-long-ish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:09b70223-e399-4f6c-9ba7-e28c3cd85dfdPost:832c9592-9528-4330-8feb-abd8a891adca">Re: I think my mom just suggested I give BF an ultimatum... (LONG-ish)</a>:
[QUOTE]My mom also says things that make me go o_O <strong>She wants grandkids, but wants me to be married first,</strong> primarily because she is afraid of what my grandma would think. Actually, she originally disapproved of me moving in with BF because she was worried about what Grandma would say if she found out. Mom has also said she hopes BF proposes soon. Obviously I hope so too, but I'm not bothered to wait. I want BF to do it when HE'S ready, not when everyone else says he should be ready. <strong>Mom has also thrown around ideas for my future wedding, anywhere from "have it at X location! They offer X, X and X and it costs about $X." to "You should elope, weddings suck." I'm sure she will be fun to deal with when the time comes. </strong>BF's mom has made it known that she absolutely can't wait for us to tie the knot and have grandbabies. She has introduced me to her friends as "hopeful future daughter in law." She calls our dog our "daughter" and her "grandpuppy." To be fair, BF and I call her our dog-ter anyway, haha. BF always rolls his eyes and says "Mommmm" whenever she says something embarassing like that. I think moving in with BF made our moms even more antsy and excited, which makes me feel a bit antsy and I'm sure it makes BF feel weird.
Posted by wink0erin[/QUOTE]

I feel your pain! My mom is the same way. I am dreading having to plan a wedding with her.

smiatrow

I agree with PP and I wouldn't discuss this with your BF - he could start resenting your mother and that's just not good.  And I would make it clear to your mom that you and your BF both understand where you are and what you want out of your relationship and tell her to be patient.

Alternatively, you could do what my cousin did to get people off his back and say that you two are waiting until 2013 to get engaged because you want to make sure the world doesn't end.  It would be such a waste to go through all that planning and have the world end before the wedding.

flygirlmeg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_think-mom-just-suggested-give-bf-ultimatum-long-ish?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:09b70223-e399-4f6c-9ba7-e28c3cd85dfdPost:c2b9e7c8-376e-4cdc-a55c-a01cf43c5b85">Re: I think my mom just suggested I give BF an ultimatum... (LONG-ish)</a>:
[QUOTE] Alternatively, you could do what my cousin did to get people off his back and say that you two are waiting until 2013 to get engaged because you want to make sure the world doesn't end.  <strong>It would be such a waste to go through all that planning and have the world end before the wedding.</strong>
Posted by smiatrow[/QUOTE]


Haha!!  This is great.  This might be my new answer for every time somebody asks when we're getting married/are we engaged yet/when is it gonna happen!!