Warning-post and run. Or rather, post and sleep, but I'll be back tomorrow, bright and early!
It's long...sorry
SO and I have a great relationship. We're solid and open about it all. to cut to the chase, he made some bad (awful, unwise, idiotic, dumb, juvenile, etc, etc,) money decisions in his early 20s. Bought a car for an ex-fiance which got repo'd. her gift to him was a flat screen, which somehow ended up in his name (Still confused about that one??? And maybe why I have a thing against all this unnecessary exchanging of gifts). There are a few things from when he moved here from across the country (a storage unit with his bigger stuff he's still paying for and can't afford to go back and get now). And his college loans, but they haven't come calling yet.
It's all coming up in collections now (except student loans). All told it's probably in the neighborhood of 8 grand he owes. He works. In an industry he really likes. It doesn't pay well, though. He lives paycheck to paycheck and he tries to save about $50 a month. He doesn't spend much at all (now), so he's not living large, but he does have his past running after him. We think this is coming up now because he just bought a used car and the loan might have made him pop back on creditors maps. He got a loan from his credit union. He was without a car for all of winter and his previous car cost $100 and the only reason he sold it was because it failed emissions.
Long story not so short, I'm unsure of what to do about this. Especially in the wake of the possibility of joining-at least partially-our finances. He works hard, has always had a steady job, has been trying to improve his credit, but can't really pay any of this back. At least not with any normal or minimal payments.
Personally, my finances are fine, my credit score is great, I have very little debt, possibly a few hundred in credit cards (Damn you Target!), the two big ones are my current mortgage and my giant student loans (6 figure law school loans). But I will be okay. I'm fine with these loans. Given my current career path, these loans are expected and haven't negatively effected anything for me financially or credit wise (i.e. buying my house, credit score)
I'm just not sure how to go about his finances. My gut is, no matter if we move in, get engaged, get married, to keep them separate until his are settled. I could and have offered to help, but honestly I'm being very coy about that. He doesn't want any help and wants to feel like he can take care of himself and his family on his own, or at least be an equal contributor. Hey, he's a guy. That's fine. I don't want to emasculate him. But I don't want him to hold up his life, or ours future together because he's forever trying to prove he's "the provider' or some sort of financial equal. It could easily take him 10 years to chip away at that debt, based on his current salary.
I already view him as my total equal. It doesn't and never has mattered to me how much he makes. As long as he works consistently, it could pay sh!t as long as he's happy. But I come from a family where my mom was/is the breadwinner (she's working until the day I give birth. She's said that. She may have a wait, but corporate America seems to love her), so I'm used to this dynamic. She does (very) well (somewhat of an anomaly, when the woman is the breadwinner) so I've never wanted for anything, but I also don't strive for the big life. I want to make enough money to live, to raise a family, and be happy. That doesn't include a 5,000 square foot house or lavish trips, or a BMW. Love to travel, but can easily do that on the cheap with some work scouring the internet and saving $$$ over the course of a few months or years. Never wanted, had, or needed a new car. Blah, blah, blah, you get the picture.
So do any of you have SO's who haven't been wise with their finances in the past? Has it ever given you pause to combine the funds? I feel like I'm playing some sort of "Rules" game when I say I don't want to emasculate him, but it's something that he cares about. He wants to be able to take care of his mom and me and our (future) family. I get it, but it sure makes him stubborn. Part of me just wants to pay the damn thing off! But that seems...unwise. And it's probably an insecurity on my part that I think if I'm too overpowering, if I push too hard and just pay for everything he will shut down. I love him, and I love this relationship, and I love us and I would have a terrible time if we were to separate because of this. We're not close to that, but I don't know how he's gonna feel 10 years down the line if he's felt that he hasn't contributed. I can see a lot of men easily being bothered by that. Having a "she doesn't need me, why am I here?" attitude.
Thoughts? Questions? Slams because this is so long? All welcome!
Holy crap this is long.