Not Engaged Yet

Let's all talk about money some more!

Just kidding :) Serious question though: Why are you getting/wanting to get married? What will change once you say "I do"? I'm having a really hard time with this, for some reason...
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Re: Let's all talk about money some more!

  • JaysGirl04JaysGirl04 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I take it you do not want to get married?
  • mermadisonmermadison member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I guess that's my dilemma... Without incurring a bunch of flaming, I guess I just can't figure out what will be DIFFERENT. I keep thinking that maybe I'm missing something.
  • edited December 2011
    I want to get married for the commitment and the partnership.  Yeah, we're commited now, but I want to make it official.
  • edited December 2011
    Oh, and also because I feel too old to talk about my "boyfriend".  It sounds high school to me.  And I want babies.  Easier and more socially acceptable if married.
  • mermadisonmermadison member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    The babies things makes sense to me. I suppose if either of us were planning on that, a marriage would be more of a necessity to me. I feel like a bad girlfriend :(
  • edited December 2011
    I also want to get married because of the baby thing, it's just not my taste to have children without being married.
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    "but you're SO FUNNY, button! you're so funny i kind of want to crawl into your skin and wear it as my own. " - NarwhalYou, my dear, are the Queen of the Beebees. Here's a tiara - Oceana 
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  • edited December 2011
    Don't feel bad, mer.  Marriage isn't for everyone.  Lots of couples have long, succesful relationships without being married.  I think if I didn't want kids I wouldn't be so interested in it.  I always feel bad cause I'm not excited about a wedding.  Only doing it for my family- I'd be very happy with JOP (but I do want a pretty dress).
  • edited December 2011
    I have children without being married. Yes we are together and we are getting married. It is harder to explain and when they are going into school much harder. People do accept us as a pretty much married couple but it is not the same. Trust me now this one.I have everything a married person has but there are things that I dont have. I live in a state that doesnt have common law either.
  • edited December 2011
    I'm curious, why do you feel bad about not wanting to get married?
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    "but you're SO FUNNY, button! you're so funny i kind of want to crawl into your skin and wear it as my own. " - NarwhalYou, my dear, are the Queen of the Beebees. Here's a tiara - Oceana 
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  • edited December 2011
    I've met the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, and marriage, to me, represents that committment. Our relationship is by no means 100% perfect, but it makes me happy and at peace, it satisfies me physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually, and it constantly challenges me. To me, I don't necessarily think our relationship will change, as in it will magically become perfect because we said vows, but I think getting married symbolizes our commitment to one another and to the people in our lives and to God.

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  • JaysGirl04JaysGirl04 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I want to get married for the extra committment, to have children (not my taste to be a 'babymama'), and to ensure that I and our home will be taken care of should something happen to BF. Right now life insurance & pensions are going to his parents.  I know I have a portion of it so that I can pay the mortgage for at least 6 months if God forbid something happens, but  that's it.  But, generally speaking I do not think anything will change majorly. 
  • edited December 2011
    I like the way you said that oceana. I agree with you. Marriage doesnt cant a relationship nor does it make it perfect. Marriage for me is about knowing that we are going to live our lives together till we are no longer here. I have found that children do make it harder much harder but they also bring this joy and happiness between the two of you that makes you stronger. I have done the single parent thing and if you arent sure you want to get married but want children. Trust me it is hard to do both. It is hard to have a relationship and have kids. There is no you time or us time. all I can tell you is be sure. are you ready to give everything up. I know I am. I almost gave my life to bring my 1 yr. old into this world and the man I am with now is the one that was standing right there holding my hand through it all. I know I want to marry him and spend everyday thanking him and being with him like he was for me.
  • JaysGirl04JaysGirl04 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
     To me, I don't necessarily think our relationship will change, as in it will magically become perfect because we said vows, but I think getting married symbolizes our commitment to one another and to the people in our lives and to God. Well, said!!
  • mermadisonmermadison member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I suppose it's because I have every single thing I could want right now, I can't imagine how it could get better. And since we don't want to do the kid thing, I guess I am struggling with the logistics of it. It is very important to bf to get married, but I vacillate every single day.
  • edited December 2011
    Nothing about our relationship and the way we interact with each other will change, but--I don't want to have kids until we are married, for a ton of reasons.Being married means I get to be on his health insurance, which is a big deal since I do have some minor medical issues that need to be kept up with.Spiritual reasons: marriage symbolizes something. I want to share our commitment, pretty much like Oceana said, between ourselves, the people close to us, and God.Quite simply... I want to be Mrs. Josh. It's silly, and really simple, but something about "wife" seems so much more solid and important than "girlfriend." It has a lot to do with respect and society viewing our relationship as something more permanent, but also it's romantic. I want to be his wife. Simple, but it has a lot of meaning to me.Other than that, I fully expect him to continue leaving videogame magazines on the bathroom floor, and taking his socks off and leaving them in the living room, and playing DS in bed when I'm trying to sleep, and loading the dishwasher in a way that makes my OCD go nuts.But, I love him. And even if all his flaws stay the same for as long as we live, I'm good with that. And apparently he feels the same way about mine. :)
    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    jeana that was all sorts of beautiful
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    "but you're SO FUNNY, button! you're so funny i kind of want to crawl into your skin and wear it as my own. " - NarwhalYou, my dear, are the Queen of the Beebees. Here's a tiara - Oceana 
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  • edited December 2011
    I know! I think I might cry.Wait, wait.....Oh, nm.... just had to sneeze. :D
    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    It is very important to bf to get married, but I vacillate every single day. I'd say unless you're REALLY against it, this right here is probably a good reason to do it (becaues it's important to your BF).
  • edited December 2011
    Wait wait wait! HOLD UP.How come, when a guy is vacilitating or whatever, we tell the chick to leave him alone maybe he doesn't want to get married, don't rush him.But when A GIRL SAYS IT, someone says suck it up and do it because it's important to your BF??????????????I don't mean to pick on PP, but that's BS, dude.Rethink.
    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    See I have to agree on that one. Dont push people into it because if they arent sure they might end up divorced. If you are un sure or dont know if you want to get married tell him. Talk to your bf. Wait till you are ready. Dont rush. You might love him and want to do it for him but is it what you want. Be truthful and be sure before you ever take that walk.
  • edited December 2011
    I think too many people just go ahead with marriage because they can't find a good reason NOT to, but they're not sure they WANT to.DO NOT rush in, DO NOT just do it because it's important to him. Better to wait until you're 100% positive that it's what YOU want than to do it and realize later it was a mistake.The divorce rate in this country is way too high, and it's sad.
    Anniversary
  • Lilika FlowerLilika Flower member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Honestly, I want to get married because of the tax breaks, health insurance if anything happens to me (god forbid) my then-husband will be able to make medical decisions for me. Eventually I want to adopt kids and it's a lot easier for a married couple to adopt than a long time bf/gf. Also, the spend the rest of my life blah blah romantic stuff too ;)
  • mermadisonmermadison member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Yeah, I know about the divorce rate first hand. Made a stupid 19-yr-old's mistake, and while I'm not worried about repeating it, I can't seem to convince myself that a marriage will make anything different. I agree 100% with ocean, that marriage doesn't magically make anything perfect. My thought process is, I guess, why mess with a good thing? Is this terrible?
  • Lilika FlowerLilika Flower member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    There's no right or wrong when it comes to how you feel.
  • edited December 2011
    It's not terrible, sounds like you've been burned before. I have my own previous-relationship-issues. There's nothing wrong with learning from your mistakes. Just don't let them ruin your life.That said, don't ignore your gut feelings. Not getting married won't ruin your life, and you don't HAVE to get married by a certain age or anything. You might decide 5 or 10 years from now that you want to.Talk to your BF and see how he feels about the idea of never getting married. And don't get married just to keep him around. Someone who truly loves you and is right for you wouldn't let a little thing like a marriage certificate come between you.
    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    I guess one of the reasons FI and I want to get married is to start our own little family. Like PP said we want to make things official with our families, friends, and God. Before FI proposed, if he wasn't able to make it to one of my family events I was asked if he was still around (their way of asking if we were still dating). Once we are married those silly annoying questions will stop. Also we will no longer get bombarded with snide remarks about making sure not to get pregnant. Basically, our very old school families will see us as adults (FINALLY, how sad is that) and accept us. We love each other and all of that mushy stuff too, but we know that even without a wedding we'd be together forever...our families are another story :) 
  • edited December 2011
    I agree she shouldn't rush into it because her BF wants to get married.  But, she didn't say she doesn't want to marry her BF, just that she doesn't care about marriage in general.   If it really is about the person (like, you would be excited to get married if it were the right person) then I'd say don't do it.  But, if you think you'd feel apathetic about it no matter who the man is, one reason you might want to do it is because it's important to him.  That's all I'm sayin'.  But for sure, if you are just anti-marriage, don't do it.
  • edited December 2011
    Cocity, I still (respectfully) disagree. Being apathetic just isn't good enough, in my opinion. You should WANT to, absolutely, without a doubt.Or don't get married. It's too big a deal.
    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    I totally see what you're saying, jeana; I don't really disagree with you, it's just one way to see it.
  • edited December 2011
    BF and I have discussed this before, along with the topic of "act like you're married already." Our view is that you're either in a committed relationship or you're not, and if you are, marriage doesn't really change that. What will change for us is we'll feel better about having children (neither of us want them out of wedlock). He's a state employee, so my insurance will improve drastically, and that's another thing we want to happen before I get pregnant. There are also the possible associated tax breaks and other benefits that come with marital status. And then there's just the fact that we'll get to introduce each other as "This is my wife, Lindsey" or "This is my husband, Brad." It just seems like it'll mean so much more than "this is my BF/GF." Of course, it may or may not, time will tell. I just know that I want to be with him forever, and I can't wait to be called his wife. The relationship itself won't change, but everything surrounding our feelings about the relationship and the feelings of our parents and families will change. It'll be almost as if the relationship itself is more recognized because we made it official, especially by our parents (who are a tad upset we're living in sin and have been for a year this coming Thursday).
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