Not Engaged Yet

im sorry its so long i just really need some advice

Hey girls I've only posted here once, but have always lurked around and see that you guys are very nice. so i would really love your advice since nobody else seems to be able to help me. Bf and i have been toguether for almost 4 years and have been living toguether for 2. I moved down to FL to live with him then about 3 months later we both moved to NY.(worst mistake we ever made) We kinda did it without planning (and i know is wrong) but he just loves ny so much and ive always lived here. Ok well thing is that after we moved his mom stopped talking to him. (she lives in FL) At 1st we didnt know why, then we found out and she said it was because she felt we abandoned her, and that he had made a promise to her about staying with one of her 2 apartments so she could go and buy a house. Thing is we didnt even get to live in that apartment because his aunt and uncle were living there. He never even told me he had made a promise to her, i would have never agreed to move under those conditions. So now his mother hates me, she says that she doesnt see us having a future toguether. We are having it really bad here in NY (we're living in my moms basement because we cant afford nowhere else really) and were trying to go back down there but she said i wasnt allowed to go. She actually told him "it is either her or your family". So now this has him torn apart because i know it hurts him a lot. He told me he wanted his mom there when we got married and had children and that he did not want our lives to be like this. So now he is going to move to his cousins house here in NY for a couple of months so he can save up some money (since he doesnt have to pay rent there) so he could go down to FL and try to ease his mom a little and to confront her in person. Just to let you know she did kinda the same thing to him when he joined the marine corps. (didnt talk to him for 4 of the 6 years he served) He wants to also get himself settled financially, so we can live toguether again but in our own apartment and not have to depend on other people like right now. So we are not breaking up, but hes gonna tell his mom we did just so he can satisfy her. Then hes going to try to get her to like me again.(somehow) He wants me to keep going to school so i can finish getting my degree, and then get a stable job, and then once we're both in the right place we move in toguether again. I understand why he is doing this, and that it is for a better future for us. But this has just hit me really hard, i dont think i can get used to not having him next to me every night. We promised each other we would go through everything toguether and now we're breaking the promise, And just the fact that we have to hide our relationship from his family not only his mom (so they dont end up telling her) just really bugs me. Im really scared that he wont come back. What should i do? What should i say? Im so stuck right now. Crap this is so long, sooorrryyy hopefully you guys can help me. Thanks!!!
«1

Re: im sorry its so long i just really need some advice

  • edited December 2011
    Hm, that's a really tough situation.  But first off, don't blame yourself, because his mom sounds crazy.  She is playing martyr to try and manipulate her son.  YOU can't stop her from being that way.  I would tell him he shouldn't give in to her, but I know that's easier said than done.  He loves his mom and wants her in his life, regardless of her craziness.  I think if I was in your situation, I would just stay out of it.  Let him go back to Florida for awhile to try and "fix" things.  Give him the space, and then you guys can figure out the next step after that.  And frankly, if he doesn't come back, count yourself lucky to not have to have her as your MIL.You'll be ok.  Good luck.
  • edited December 2011
    The truth hurts.  His mom is NEVER going to stop manipulating him in one way or another.  If he does not try to stop the cycle now, then he is doomed forever.  If he goes through with his plan in order to appease his mother, he knows he is hurting you.  What should I do? - Tell him how this makes you feel.What should I say? - Tell him exactly what you told us.  You feel like you made a promise to one another to live your lives together.  You feel like this is breaking that promise.  You feel like he is ashamed and guilty about your relationship and that hurts.  At the end of the day, it all boils down to 2 questions.1) Do you want to be with someone who knowingly hurts you? 2) Do you want to be with a 'grown' man who is still manipulated by his mother? I am not even going to touch the financial stuff.
  • edited December 2011
    Wow your BF lets him mom control and manipulate him and that is not cool.  He is going to move away from you, elsewhere in NY so that he can save up $ to move back to Florida, where he presumably can live for free?  He's going to not break up with you but tell his mom he did?  THEN he's going to try to get her to like you again?  What's the time line for all this?  I think you need to just end things with him, I'm sorry to say.
    TTC since 07/11 Me: 32 AO PCOS/DH: 32 Lowish count/motility IUI#1-3 = BFN (Clomid, Clomid-->Femara, Injects) IVF#1 ER on 9/24 19 ER/19 M/9 F w/ICSI Transferred a 5AA and a 5BB on 9/29 Beta 10/9 = 139 Beta 10/11 = 287
    imageimageAlternaTickers - Cool, free Web tickers

    My Blog

  • edited December 2011
    There are a lot of things wrong in this post, I'm not sure where to begin. I think PP's have covered it fairly well. If you were reading this story as an outsider - not the author - you might see that it really makes no sense. A grown man is still controlled by his mother. He is going to move away from the girlfriend he has been living with for 2 years to satisfy this mother. He is going to tell everyone that he broke up with the girlfriend. But then try and make them like her. WHAT?!?! Ya, doesn't make much sense does it? It sounds to me like an elaborate ploy to get you out of his life. He's obviously not happy the way it is right now. Good luck with everything!
    He pretty much had me at "hello".
    -- PS I agree with whatever Jeana said --
  • edited December 2011
     If I were in your shoes I would end it. What your boyfriend has proposed is to turn your lives into a lie. I can't stand and will not tolerate dishonesty. If he was really serious about you and a mature adult he would stand up to his mother and tell her that you are together and she needs to get used to the idea. Parents are supposed to love their children unconditionally and if she starts putting conditions on her love for him than she is going to lose him in her life. He sounds like a jerk and a loser and you deserve better.
    image image image image 
    "but you're SO FUNNY, button! you're so funny i kind of want to crawl into your skin and wear it as my own. " - NarwhalYou, my dear, are the Queen of the Beebees. Here's a tiara - Oceana 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • DeDe01DeDe01 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I have talked to him about this, i told him that he's a grown man and should stop worrying so much about all this. She has done this to him before, i mean common what kind of mother stops talking to her son, when hes out getting shot at? He even admits that he does not like the way she is, and her selfishness and that she has always treated him like crap. She only does what benefits her. The woman hasnt worked in over 20 years because his father has a very good job, she manipulated his father to move to FL and sold their house in NY. A week after they left NY she hated FL so she forced his father to move back, after they had already sold the house. Then AGAIN she manipulated the father to move back down to FL and buy an apt, then forced bf to buy an apt there under his name NOT FOR HIM but for her sister. She used to love me now she hates me. I mean the women is always changing her mind about everything, shes a nutcase. I told him how i feel about this and he says he knows but that hes doing this for our own good. That he doesnt know how long it will take but he will try his best to be asap. He says he's not leaving to FL right away hes gonna stay here a while and that he will try to see me everyday. It's just it hurts cuz we fought so hard to be toguether in the beginning and after we're finally toguether this happens =[
  • edited December 2011
    So we are not breaking up, but hes gonna tell his mom we did just so he can satisfy herHuge, giant red flag.  I would not put up with that crap.  How old are you two, 13? You have to hide your relationship from mommy? You "aren't allowed" to come down to FL? What bullshit.Your boyfriend sounds very immature and spineless. Sure, it's shiitty of his mom to put him in this situation.  But she did, and by trying to please everyone, he's going to appease no one. What happens when his mother finds out (and I guarantee she will find out) that you two really DIDN'T break up? She'll flip her shiit, I'm sure.If he caves to mommy now, he'll be giving in to her for the rest of his life. Your BF needs to grow up, and then tell his mother to grow up.  My advice for you? Tell your BF what you wrote here.  That you feel he is going back on the promise you made to each other.  Go to school and get your degree, because I truly believe that if your BF goes to FL for mommy, he won't be coming back.  And then you'll really need that stable job. Personally, I'd tell him that if he wants to move to FL, fine.  But that he needs to be honest with his mother about your relationship.  If he lies to her or you, I'd be finding someone else who treats you with respect.
    image
  • edited December 2011
    hes doing this for our own goodmeaning...you get to live the rest of your lives being manipulated by this women? He's enabling her.Wake up sweetie, this guy is no good.
    image image image image 
    "but you're SO FUNNY, button! you're so funny i kind of want to crawl into your skin and wear it as my own. " - NarwhalYou, my dear, are the Queen of the Beebees. Here's a tiara - Oceana 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • edited December 2011
    hes doing this for our own goodLying to his mother about breaking up with you is not "for your own good".  This is a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad idea!  If people keep caving in to her manipulations, they're just enabling her, and she will never stop. Are you sure that you really want to join this family? Good lord.p.s.  It would really help if you add some paragraphs to your posts.  Huge blocks of text are VERY difficult to read.
    image
  • edited December 2011
    That he doesnt know how long it will take but he will try his best to be asap. He says he's not leaving to FL right away hes gonna stay here a while and that he will try to see me everyday. It's just it hurts cuz we fought so hard to be toguether in the beginning and after we're finally toguether this happens =[ He is trying to get out of the relationship one step at a time.  The longer you are in denial, the more it is going to hurt. 
  • salt78salt78 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    [i]So we are not breaking up, but hes gonna tell his mom we did just so he can satisfy her.[/i] RUN. RUN FAR AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN.
    AlternaTickers - Cool, free Web tickers
  • edited December 2011
    I remember in middle school my ex boyfriend started dating another girl but told me that he still liked me and only went out with her because I was going to be busy that summer and then we could go back out again.  And I believed him.  And we did not end up happily ever after to say the very least.  The point of this anecdote is don't let yourself get played.  Good luck to you.
    TTC since 07/11 Me: 32 AO PCOS/DH: 32 Lowish count/motility IUI#1-3 = BFN (Clomid, Clomid-->Femara, Injects) IVF#1 ER on 9/24 19 ER/19 M/9 F w/ICSI Transferred a 5AA and a 5BB on 9/29 Beta 10/9 = 139 Beta 10/11 = 287
    imageimageAlternaTickers - Cool, free Web tickers

    My Blog

  • edited December 2011
    I totally missed the pretend break up the first time through.  (And agreed, please use paragraphs- much easier to read). Wow. I know it's hard, but I think you'll be miserable the rest of your life if you stay with this guy.  Cut your losses now.  It will seem awful, but I bet once he's gone for awhile and you don't have to deal with the drama, you'll start feeling better than ever.
  • edited December 2011
    Wow that's a crazy situation! Sorry you have go thru it.BUT, as horrible as it sounds, if she wins this battle, she'll win many more... She'll try to set him up with someone soon enough and how will he hide your relatioship then? With this small lie, you'll start something bigger, it can get out of hand very fast... Best bet is for you two maybe seek some couples sounceling and figure it out with a professional.. My money is on the fact that the shrink will tell your BF to step up to the mommy....Good Luck, keep us posted!
  • edited December 2011
    In what universe is this a good plan! PP have covered everything pretty well, but I'll just point out that she stopped talking to him while he was serving, but eventually starting talking to him again. That's because your bf won that arguement. She has just shown that she will come around and you even said she is constantly changing her mind, so she may like eventually and even if she does like you, she will probably hate you again. Oh, and when it came down to you or his family, he just picked his family. And just curious, if you are married, and mommy pulls this again, will he just tell her that you guys got a divorce just to apease her?
    My Grandparents on their wedding day.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic
    bio
    Repeat this to your self: My Wedding Party is made of my family and friends and I should treat them as such.
  • edited December 2011
    The more I think about this, the more I realized I would be ending this relationship if it were me.  Assuming he enlisted at 18 and he just got out, that means your BF is at least 24 years old. It is well past time to cut that umbilical cord.  I could never date, let alone marry, a man who was so spineless and such a momma's boy.
    image
  • DeDe01DeDe01 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    i just spoke with him before he headed off to work and i told him everything i pretty much told you guys. I also added that this is not the way to go around things that we could think of another more reasonable way to fix this. We are two grown adults and if we plan on staying toguether he had to start doing this the right way. He admited that the breaking up thing was stupid and that he wasnt going to do that. I pretty much put everything out there and told him everything and he didnt say anything to me other than "yea i know" or "ok". He said we'll talk when he comes home from work. I think that this time i really got to him because just by the look in his face i could tell. I really hope he really thinks about this. Thanks so much for the responses guys i really appreciate it. Now lets just wait and see what happens.
  • DeDe01DeDe01 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Also the funny thing is that he is not as attached to his mom as you think. In our entire relationship he has payed little attention to the crap that she said before. (in the beginning she didnt approve much) before he ignored all her crap, and said that the things his mom does hurt him but that he won give in, and he didnt all these years even after the military. When he cave in to buy that apt in FL it was because he was desperate for some type of contect with this mother. That is why he bought it. But now that we started thinking about marriage, it has actually hit him. He says he really wants his mom there when we get married, and when we have children. That is why he really wants things to be better with her.
  • fletch102483fletch102483 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Unless his mother is 95 years old and can't take care of herself, she's selfish. She couldn't get mad at the Marines for taking her son, but you're damn right it's easy to blame on you this time around! She will never like you, you are her pawn to manupilate him and it will never change as long as you're in the picture. You need to hold him responsible to stand up to his mother or it will never work. When you marry someone, you marry their family!
  • edited December 2011
    Personally, I would run. Far and fast. Good luck.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
    Married Bio
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic My first love.

    Me: 31 DH: 30

    TTC since 10/2010. 2012: HSG showed unicornuate uterus on right side; both kidneys and both ovaries present. High risk for preterm labor, IUGR, and C-Section. Dx'd Hypothyroidism.
    1st BFP: 10/27/12, cycle before we had planned to see RE
    BabyFruit Ticker
    Pregnancy Blog
  • edited December 2011
    I hope it works out.
    TTC since 07/11 Me: 32 AO PCOS/DH: 32 Lowish count/motility IUI#1-3 = BFN (Clomid, Clomid-->Femara, Injects) IVF#1 ER on 9/24 19 ER/19 M/9 F w/ICSI Transferred a 5AA and a 5BB on 9/29 Beta 10/9 = 139 Beta 10/11 = 287
    imageimageAlternaTickers - Cool, free Web tickers

    My Blog

  • edited December 2011
    (for you.)
    TTC since 07/11 Me: 32 AO PCOS/DH: 32 Lowish count/motility IUI#1-3 = BFN (Clomid, Clomid-->Femara, Injects) IVF#1 ER on 9/24 19 ER/19 M/9 F w/ICSI Transferred a 5AA and a 5BB on 9/29 Beta 10/9 = 139 Beta 10/11 = 287
    imageimageAlternaTickers - Cool, free Web tickers

    My Blog

  • edited December 2011
    So he wants his manipulative, unsupportive mother who cares more about her own feelings than his to be there for his wedding and his kids...  Right.  He sounds like a winner who is capable of making his own decisions.  :/  And I couldn't agree more with Noelle re: I could never date, let alone marry, a man who was so spineless and such a momma's boy.If this continues, you will be like my best friend... engaged to a man she loves, with an insanely possessive, manipulative, cry baby of a FMIL.  She even said that IF his mother behaved like she is behaving now earlier on in their relationship, there would have been no engagement.  His mother is causing major problems in their relationship and HE is letting her.  They have 8 months until the wedding and I am hoping/praying that things change or she gets out.   
  • edited December 2011
    Oh that sucks about your friend Mutley.
    TTC since 07/11 Me: 32 AO PCOS/DH: 32 Lowish count/motility IUI#1-3 = BFN (Clomid, Clomid-->Femara, Injects) IVF#1 ER on 9/24 19 ER/19 M/9 F w/ICSI Transferred a 5AA and a 5BB on 9/29 Beta 10/9 = 139 Beta 10/11 = 287
    imageimageAlternaTickers - Cool, free Web tickers

    My Blog

  • edited December 2011
    Yup.  I hated her last fiance and luckily she called that one off about 2 months before the big day.  This time around, he is a very nice guy, treats her well, loves her to death... but he has not cut the apron strings.  They just moved from Maryland to San Francisco.  I am hoping that he can grow a set now that he isn't living under Mommy's roof.  It is really hard when she asks me for advice because FI moved away for college 12 years ago and never moved back.  I've been as honest as I can be without actually saying that if I was her, I would be walking away. 
  • edited December 2011
    Yeah you have to walk a thin line between being there for your friend and telling her what you really think.  I told my friend my honest opinion of her boyfriend when they first got together and were having problems and of course it strained our relationship for a while.  Sidenote is that they're still together and he has really matured emotionally since then so maybe there's hope for your friend's FI as well.
    TTC since 07/11 Me: 32 AO PCOS/DH: 32 Lowish count/motility IUI#1-3 = BFN (Clomid, Clomid-->Femara, Injects) IVF#1 ER on 9/24 19 ER/19 M/9 F w/ICSI Transferred a 5AA and a 5BB on 9/29 Beta 10/9 = 139 Beta 10/11 = 287
    imageimageAlternaTickers - Cool, free Web tickers

    My Blog

  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    If you and this man-child actually go through with this ridiculous charade, you lose the right to ever complain about his mother or his spineless momma's boy ways ever again. You know what you're signing up for.And I can't believe this guy was a Marine. If the Corp ever found out about this they'd come take his sword back.
  • magsugar13magsugar13 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I know you don't want to see this for what it rally is and I know you want to continue to live in denial, but you know deep down that this relationship is a disaster from start to finish.Stop blaming his mother and start blaming HIM! Yes, we all know she is a manipulator,,but only because HE ALLOWS her to be. This is HIS fault, he is making the choice to leave.He is supposedly a grown a$$ man letting his mommy call all the shots. That should be enough for you to tell him bye bye.He isn't ever going to put you before his mother, no matter how desperate you are. The bottom line is this is a grown man letting his mother manipulate him and putting you  in last!OR.....this is a man that is using this to get away from you and not come back, and he doesnt have the balls to just tell you.
    image
    Spring Break 2013
  • Mrs.MasieMrs.Masie member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    There is no 'u' in 'together'. There is alot more irony in that statement than i intended.
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • edited December 2011
    Mrs.Masie i think i love you
    image image image image 
    "but you're SO FUNNY, button! you're so funny i kind of want to crawl into your skin and wear it as my own. " - NarwhalYou, my dear, are the Queen of the Beebees. Here's a tiara - Oceana 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards